In Session Today: Part VI

Wow, Echos. It sounds like you have a very close and deep relationship with your T. I do agree with you that maybe his feelings are too “strong” right now, that he got more affected than if it was from purely a therapeutic stand point.

It sounds hopeful though; like this is something that can be worked through. I am sorry it has been so difficult to wade through. You really seem to have a grasp on what will help you. I admire that, as I never know!

I think in your place, I would also be hesitant because I would feel unsure if I trusted that this time his boundaries accurately reflect what he can handle. I mean since he didn't realize until it was too late before and that resulted in harm to you both. My instinct to withdraw to protect myself would be really activated.

I agree with you. I think he is worried about me feeling abandoned, so I think he is offering more than he is comfortable with. I want him to recover. I don't want to make him worse. I always said, I don't need to worry about his boundaries, if he can't do something he won't offer. But this has shaken my belief in his ability to do that.

I felt claustrophobic reading this. The focus feels distorted to me. I would be asking myself if this was my therapy or a process group: this is also a question I ask myself about my therapy so I recognise this as a projection of mine and might not be useful to you. I would be disturbed by him saying that he needed the hug. However, I wouldn't work with touch with a male therapist so, again, leave that as you will.

I was supposed to have an in person session this morning. I left 20 minutes early to get a piece of breakfast pizza and a soda from the gas station. While I was there my T called my mom and asked if I could switch my appointment to virtual. I was kinda weirded out because I was wondering if she knew where I lived or something like that. Like how did she know what time I left and could make it home in time to set everything up. Anyways I guess she was feeling pretty sick. So I hurried home from the gas station and had like 3 minutes to spare. She didnt send the link for 15 minutes. Then I was in the waiting room for 5 minutes. She apolgoized and said she could still do 45 minutes if I had the time and I said yeah.

So we just talked about the lab work and the giving blood tommorow. We talked about my anxiety about current events and she told me the whole worry about what you can thing and this time I did tell her that it sounded dismissive. And she did agree that it sounded dismissive but it is a helpful thing to do. We talked a lot today about healthy eating and how I've been eating better and losing weight. She wants me to eat more fruits and vegetables but she said my protein is good. At one point I said I was worried about my mom dying despite her being in better health then I was and I said I felt like my mom could survive without me but I couldnt survive without her and my T asked if I was having S thoughts. I said no I was reffering to my lab work results. Why do their minds always go there?

Anyways besides the whole weird sudden switching to virtual, which I get happens in the covid age, things went fine. I've said this before but I feel like virtual is more productive for me. Not that I prefer it to in person but every once in awhile is helpful.

Therapy with T last night. Plus: She did have her dentures and she didn't take them out! And it was Zoom but I spent most of the time looking down and not looking at her anyway. I tend to not look at my T's that much when I am talking but I will look at them when they are talking.

I got dissociated last night. I don't know if it was talking about emotional abuse or if it was from the new medicine I am taking Lybalvi. Because it was so bad after I had taken the medicine that I wanted to go get an ice cream cone and I was thinking, I shouldn't drive like this.

She said she could tell I was working really hard to do a good job in therapy last night. She said she could tell that the feelings of "bad" were from a very young age.

She also told me she thinks I have OCD. Great. (Sarcasm) Like I need another diagnosis. I knew I had OCD tendencies but she says it is pretty clear to her that I have it. Makes me feel sicker than I already am.

I think she was trying to figure out why I didn't contract to not self harm. I think she got it. When I am in a certain frame of mind where I don't know if I can hold to a promise I am not going to promise something. She did ask why I couldn't promise longer. I didn't really give a good reason for that. I know why I can't. I just don't know how to articulate it.

I was mostly just sort of done yesterday. The day that I could have used therapy was Monday and by the time I had it Tuesday night everything had chilled inside of me and it was hard to go back and explain it.

I was able to talk a little more freely because both of my parents had left to go to a religious class. So they weren't there listening on the other end of my call.

Don't want to write it all out but we connected. Like we haven't connected in a while. I feel some relief, I finally know we will be okay. But I also know we have a lot of repair work to do.

I can't tell if I'm depressed about how the session went or just depressed in general today. The session itself went fine but she's always like 10 minutes late with her client before me and then doesn't make up that time with me. I asked her today if her other clients were more important because I did feel hurt. And she said "no. Its not that." She said it in a way where she knew she hurt me. She didn't explain what it was but offered to let me stay later but when I got to the car I realized she didn't keep me any longer. It just bums me out because it does make me feel like I'm less important then her other clients. She also didn't open her office door for me when I left which I found weird. She stood up like she always did. But then she watched me walk to the door and watched me open it myself and watched me walk out. I don't know. It was almost like she was observing me for something?

Overall today was productive and we got a lot talked about. Just the whole being late thing is annoying.

I began today's session by filling R in about my experience of being on the interview panel. I went into more detail than I had intended, particularly about my boss's 'positive, upbeat public face' comment.

We did some breathing before moving into talking about Steve. The anger I feel towards him seems to be related to having to redefine my support system.

Although we spoke about the anger, I did not reach for the letter, seemingly leading R to believe that the anger was not in the room.

Admitting that I feel anger towards Steve is the least comfortable thing in the world. I do not want to feel this way towards someone I really admire.

R highlighted my boss's comment again. What I saw and admired was Steve's 'public face'.

'We all have one.'

We also spoke about the idea that this will never 'make sense.' If it did, R offered, 'it would be dangerous'.

There is a level of agreement that Steve made a choice, which is a relief to me. I thought on some level that I was 'wrong' for believing that. It would be so easy for me to carry on pretending that I am 'OK' with what Steve did.

It's hard not to feel like I am acting. Anger is SO uncomfortable for me, and particularly when it is at someone I care about.

We are getting closer to April, and the idea of dealing with anniversary stuff and new grief bothers me. I will try to have the conversation I needed again next week.

She was once again 15 minutes late. It was virtual this time so I was able to keep track of the time. Once she came on camera I said "I was about to say screw it and go back to bed because now its starting to feel personal." She apologized and said its not personal and she said she trys to make up the time. I told her last time we still ended at the same time. She said she'll just start setting timers now. For the first few minutes I didn't say much and she did most of the talking. Then she said "I know you're mad at me" and I said I wasn't mad I was just super tired and anxious. She said its probably just a combination of the melatonin I'm having trouble managing and going back on my injections thats causing all these issues. I admitted that I had been using the jumping to conclusions thought distortion alot when I was in public and we went over some scenarios and came up with what else may have happened. The stuff I learned in 2020 IOP is still sticking with me. But it went well after our rocky start but I was checked out and very tired the whole time. She said shes glad I was so cool with doing virtual since some of her other clients were giving her a hard time about it.

Privacy was a bit of a challenge for today's session as a friend arrived 30 minutes before. R arrived and confirmed that she had received my email. Although she didn't get a chance to reply, she said that she had picked up on the tentativeness.

'It's hard for me to explain my spirituality.'

'What spirituality means to you might be different to what spirituality means to me.'

'We've had conversations about spirituality over the years, and for me, it never gets any easier.'

R reminded me that there is no judgement from her.

'When Chris and I talked about spirituality, there was never any sense of 'This is what you are going to need to know when I'm gone.' She mentioned a particular book... I hadn't mentioned it to Mum, but when I went on a residential, she went to Glastonbury town. When I got home, there was a copy of the book on my bed.'

'Wow. If that isn't a sign...'

We ended up talking about how my spirituality is linked to people.

'Once upon a time, there was a physicality to my spirituality, and that makes it hard. Especially sitting here the day before
the most significant date. Before I get a million miles away...'

At that point, the friend shouted 'Bye!'

'Well done,' R said to me. 'Bad timing. You were saying 'Before you get a million miles away...'

I reached over to my side, and realised I couldn't find what I was looking for.

'Have you lost something?'

'My butterfly notebook.'

'I know the one. Do you want to go on a hunt?'

I did so briefly, and returned to the living room.

'I know I brought it in here.'

R got up and put her hand down the side of my chair. She pulled out my notebook.

'I have three children, I spend half my life looking for things.'

'Thank you so much!' I pulled the piece of paper out from the front of the notebook and took a deep breath.

'l took one with you.'

I began to read the letter aloud, and stumbled over the same part I always do. Trying again, I reached for R's hand. Her grip tightened as I approached it again.

'You may be feeling confused, but you are doing it. Even writing this is one way of expressing your anger.'

I eventually admitted that I feel as though I am acting when I read it aloud.

'There is a fire in it, but when I get to that point, it hits me. What a ****ing waste!'

The manner of Steve's death threatens to become my defining image of him and I don't want that to happen.

R reminded me that I am very particular in the way I express myself. 'Everything is considered. You are a writer, and a perfectionist in a sense.'

The anger may need to find another way out.

We finished with a few cleansing breaths. R kept her word that whatever we stir up can be settled.

She asked how I was feeling.

'There are words in other languages that cannot be translated into English.'
'OK.'

'I don't think the word exists for what I am feeling, but I am feeling a little relieved.'

.... Arghh!

Out of all the things I wrote down about the situation, I was surprised at the one you picked which stood out the most for you. That was the least of the issues. We really aren't on the same page at all are we.

It's not your fault you aren't ex-T. I know that. It's my projections of what I want you to be like and my expectations that you will respond to me in the same way she did. It's never going to happen, so why can't I let 'what was' go, and focus on 'what is'?
Maybe I'm getting in my own way so that I don't have to deal with the really tricky stuff. Avoidance tactics.

R acknowledged my email this morning, and said that she would listen to ‘The Paper and the Ink’ on the way to session. We began with a round of thank yous, firstly for the email, and also for picking up my piece of paper last week.

‘Did that stay with you? Bless you.’

After that, we moved into talking about the song. R asked what I was left with having listened to it. ‘You mentioned the time frame.’

‘That was a big thing for me – if he can still be in shock eight years later…’
‘There’s a lot of heart in it, and a lot of pain. Is that validating for you?

‘Absolutely. I listened to it again just now, and this time I was struck by the last verse. Other than the chorus, the song ends with humming. Sometimes there are no words.’

‘Sometimes it is OK not to have words?’

‘Good point.’ I reached across to where I had put my butterfly notebook – no danger of it falling this week – and pulled out the letter. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I readied myself to read it again. R reminded me ‘Nothing bad is going to happen because you read these words. This is your truth, and truth is never wrong.’

Although I wouldn’t say I read it easily, there were fewer stumbles. We spoke about separating my feelings towards Steve from my feelings about the act.

‘If I were to draw a Venn diagram, with interlacing circles, it would be hard to separate things out.’

‘Maybe there is something to be done in terms of organising the emotions?’

‘Have I ever shared a poem with you called Small Circles?’

‘It doesn’t sound familiar.’

I used to have it memorised, but in that moment it escaped me.

‘I’m not sure whether you’re going to recite it, or grab a piece of paper.’

Thankfully, I was able to put my hand on my copy of my poetry book.

‘I’m impressed by your ability to find things quickly. That’s similar to me finding your notebook last week.’
‘Thank you – the poem could stand a change of pronoun.’ I read the piece, and R asked when I wrote it.

‘Originally, I was addressing Kim, and it was written in 2013.’

‘AS I said earlier, it’s interesting how our own work comes back to us and resonates in a different way, like quotes on social media and songs.’

We continued to speak about my anger towards Steve, and R said something about him having made me feel safe.

‘That’s exactly it, and that is where the ‘How could he do that?’ lives.’

I continued. ‘I never imagined a scenario in which I would be having a conversation with you over Zoom, where I asked you to help me understand the concept of suicidal ideation!’

‘He made you feel safe, and then he took that away.’ The gut-wrench at that precise moment hurt.

‘Therefore, it is OK that I am…’

‘You can say it.’

‘It is OK that I am angry.’

We did some breathing around gratitude and honouring me for showing up. R used the affirmation ‘I am proud of myself,’ whilst I went with ‘I am learning to trust myself.’

R complimented me on my level of openness today, saying it was the first time I had read the letter with such ease. ‘Not that I’m suggesting it was easy. You’re doing amazingly.’

Our next session will be on Tuesday 26th April.

Last night I was very tired and it was noticeable. She mentioned my tiredness at the start of the session and I kept nodding off and she noticed it but ignored it for the most part. She had to do a lot of pushing because I was tired and my earbuds werent working so I couldnt hear her very well. She had to remind me we had 14 minutes left because I wasn't doing much. We got some stuff talked about but its not like our AM sessions. She didn't mention me taking my meds before the session. So I don't know if she could tell. She knew I hadn't been feeling good though. I did ask her if she had seen a particular coffee commercial that was in relation to what we were talking about. So I was participating.

Today was really productive. I said I wasn't feeling good because of the stomach pain and nausea I've had and how I went to the doctor and he prescribed some meds. We talked about the difference between anxiety and hunger and how I can't often tell the two apart and how I think I'm just anxious all the time. We talked about that for a bit.

Then I told her I was having a lot of memories about something that happened almost 15 years ago. We didn't go into details but I mentioned reading a book that had triggered it. Then I mentioned wanting to go IP last week but there wasn't any reason for me to go. I just wanted to go. Finally I said I wanted to go to the hospital just to get restrained but then I used my weighted blanket and it helped and I was told by another therapist that when I feel like that, its a sensory issue. And she like immediatly knew what I was talking about and asked if I wanted to know her expirenece and I said yeah and she said that she worked with autistic kids who'd act out a lot but then the staff figured out they just wanted the pressure from being restrained so they found other coping skills for them that involved that pressue. And I said I did the exact same thing when I was a teenager but I didn't know it was a sensory issue until I was told 2 years ago by my transference T when I mentioned my weighted blankets helped me deal with the feelings. My therapist then asked a bit about my autism history.

Then after that we talked about going back to work and how I was worried because I looked like a guy on the outside but I felt more non binary on the inside and I didn't want to get called out or anything at work for being into fashion and modeling shows and knowing more about the fashion world then I do about sports and stuff. It was just a pretty deep session. I was cold and piling pillows on top of me and she didn't seem to mind. My mom is sick though and didn't tell me. And was in the waiting room so I'm hoping I don't get whatever it is she has because my therapist will majorly freak out.

Therapy was just useless today. She moved my appointment up 15 minutes yet was still late. She offered me an afternoon spot but I'm not sure how that would be any different regarding her being late. Anyways I told her no and she just basically said she was always going to be late but that she'd make the time up. She set a timer and at one point looked at the time. I don't know. I found that kinda rude. I mean she had the alarm set. I told her about my procedure today. She was understanding and offered some resssurance. But when I said they were going to take a pint of blood she said "a pint of blood?! You're gonna pass out! My mom said that was unecessary and it seems like she needs some training on how not to scare her clients. We talked about the procedure for a bit then we talked about cooling sheets a lot since my sleep has been so bad because I've been getting overheated at night. I just didn't really find the session productive because I was moody and tired and I feel like my issues are not mental health related at the moment so she's a bit not really helpful right now.

I know people don't generally reply to these, but I thought a pint was what they took when people donated blood? So it seems like a reasonable amount to take that most people could tolerate. Weird that she'd react the way she did--and definitely not helpful to you! Hope the procedure goes well.

Yeah thats what they take. My mom said "she must not have ever donated blood before." The procedure went fine.

Today was really hard. I woke up very early with anxiety levels that were the same as when we were working virtually. The first thing I did when R arrived was apologise.
She asked what I was apologising for, and it turned out that she hadn't received my email.

I'd spent a week stewing for nothing, but she apologised as soon as I explained the trigger.

Today, L and I talked about death and suicide. It was so freeing and healing being able to be open about such topics. I cried the whole session. But it really was beautiful. And I feel so much relief now. Like a burden and heaviness has been lifted.

Dr. T yesterday. He was wearing a gray plaid button-down shirt, untucked, with blue jeans and tennis shoes (seems to be his basic uniform since returning in person, aside from a hoodie and shorts one session). We made some small talk about the cold, rainy weather.

Then I said I kept meaning to ask him something, but was sort of afraid to, not knowing what his answer would be. He looked a bit anxious. Me: "So, I know you wouldn't do this now, but do you ever see yourself letting me sit in my old spot on the couch [closer to his chair] or allowing handshakes again?" Dr. T: "Ever, like in the rest of my career?" Me: "Yes, I figured if I went for 'ever', there was a better chance you wouldn't say no."

He said he was concerned about rising Covid case numbers in our area right now. But that he hoped there would eventually be a time that we wouldn't be concerned about that, when I could just sit wherever I wanted. With the handshake, he said he had to shake someone's (not a client) hand yesterday and felt weird until he could use his "hand goop."

I said I understood he wouldn't want to start handshakes now, but I was a little afraid that he'd decided he didn't want to have to touch clients anymore, so he could just stop (he's admittedly "not a touchy-feely person," but then neither am I really). He said no, he wasn't thinking that. Me: "I mean, I was thinking I could offer to put on my mask and sanitize my hands first." Dr. T: "Wow, this must really mean a lot to you if you're willing to do all that."

Me: "Well, now I feel sort of weird about it. Like I'm afraid if it means something to me, that you won't be willing to do it anymore." Dr. T: "Can you explain what it means to you? Is it a ritual thing?" Me: "Uh, partly ritual, I guess?...And if it was a difficult session, the handshake can feel sort of grounding, in a way. Or if I shared something that I'm ashamed about, then...it's like, OK, a human is still willing to touch me, like I'm not too disgusting for that. And I know we don't do this anymore, but back when I'd give you my credit card at the end, it was nice to have a more personal connection after a business transaction. Does that explain it better?" Dr. T: "Yes, it does." Me: "It's not too weird?" Dr. T: "No, I just wanted to understand." Me: "Good."

I forget how I got here--I guess the human contact thing? I said I knew he didn't hug clients, but that if there was a session where I would have wanted a hug, it would have been Wednesday of the previous week, when I was really upset about D's assessment report. I said I had thought about saying the next session how I'd wished I could have had a hug the previous session but knew it wasn't possible (even outside of Covid concerns). But I was afraid of how he'd react. Dr. T: "I think that could have led to a good discussion between us, if you'd shared that." Me: "OK, I guess I should have just mentioned it. I was just afraid just you'd say something like, 'You know I don't give hugs,' and then I'd feel shamed for bringing it up." Dr. T: "No. Now if you had actually asked me for a hug, that might have led to a conflict between us." Me: "Oh. OK. I wouldn't have done that though." Dr. T: "I know."

(I realized after session that I should have clarified what he meant there, and I might do that next week. Did he mean he'd be bothered because I asked for something I knew he wouldn't be willing to give? And that would be the conflict? Or did he mean that his saying "no" would have led to me being upset, and that would be the reason for the conflict? Or something else?)

I said I had this thought that if he had allowed a hug, he'd have been like, "Hang on a second," then turned and put on a full gas mask. Dr. T: "Then I'd have grabbed my arm extensions." Me: "Ha, I was just about to say you were going to grab some sticks to hold."

He pointed to a small stuffed animal one the table at the end of the couch: "Blue bear is open for hugs. See, he has his arms stretched open and everything. I've had clients hug him." Me: "Really, they've actually hugged him?" Dr. T: "Yes, some have, if they want a hug. Didn't you have some sort of stuffed animal transitional object from ex-MC?" Me: "Yes, but it's not like he gave it to me, it was one of D's discarded stuffed animals." Dr. T: "Ah."

We shifted to talking about my D. Quick background that she's already diagnosed as autistic and ADHD, but they recently did some additional assessments at her school and have concluded that she also has an intellectual disability. Which is something I'm having difficulty dealing with/accepting.

I said I was trying to think about it in another way. And I shared a thought I had that I was afraid was going to seem really awful (to the point that I feel uncomfortable sharing it here). But Dr. T understood what I meant. We talked a bit more about the value we (me and Dr. T, plus society as a whole) place on intellect, which we'd also discussed in a recent session. He said how my intelligence was and likely still is a big part of my identity. And for him, he wasn't the smartest guy in his school, but he knew that he was intelligent, which was important to him. But that intelligence in that sense isn't everything.

I mentioned how I just hoped D could still get a high school diploma. Dr. T: "Why is it important for her to get a diploma? What does she need it for?" Me: "...I...I don't know? That's a good question, actually. I mean, I guess society suggests it's needed to be successful, but then what is success for her? Does she really need that to have a fulfilling life?" He said I need to try to think about what a fulfilling life would mean to her vs. to me.

Dr. T: "Can I tell you a story that might help? It won't take that long." Me: "Sure." Dr. T: "I might get emotional." Me: "That's OK."

He talked about a family friend (who he'd mentioned in a recent session) who had a son who already had severe ADHD and I think a learning disability, who as a teen was then in a car accident and got a traumatic brain injury, which affected his mental capabilities. Dr. T (his voice cracking and getting higher) said how the mother was telling the son a couple years later various things she hoped he could achieve in life. And the son replied, "But what if I don't want those things?"

His voice getting even higher, Dr. T said, "He was basically saying to her, 'If I can't do those things, will you still love me?'" Me: "Oh wow." Dr. T wiped his eyes and said, "I'm sorry" (referring to the tears). Me: "It's OK, I'm emotional in here all the time." Dr. T: "But I'm not."

I thanked him for sharing and said how I knew I needed to work on thinking about D differently. He said something about grieving. I said it was something I needed to work through in there more, that it would take time. He agreed, saying it wasn't a quick thing.

I said I knew we had to stop (we were a little over). Confirmed the time for Monday. I gathered my stuff, and he stood up and opened the door. Dr. T: "Stay dry." Me (gesturing to the window): "Yeah, I don't think I'm going to accomplish that!" Dr. T: "Have a good weekend." Me: "You too."

Therapy went pretty good today. It was pretty productive. I told her about my recent health issues and what had been going on. I told her that I came to realize that some things I probably was never going to be totally 100% ok with and that I was just going to have to learn to accept that I wouldnt be totally fine with them. I told her I was talking about my transference T. She told me its good that I realized that some things you just arent going to be totally over but learning to accept that is important. We talked about my sleep and how the stuff she told me to get last week has gotten me back on a normal schedule. Then we talked about food and dieting a lot. We talked about restricting vs just not being hungry and sensory related food. She wants to challenge me to make a smoothie this week and she gave me a recipe. At the end of the session my voice gave out and she had to ask me to repeat myself. I did and then I told her my voice gave out because of the nodule on my thyroid. That freaked her out a bit and she said "wow thats scary I hope you can get some answers". So it was a standard but productive therapy session and she was on time and ended on time for once. I still don't totally get what she is doing for me. She does have some good suggestions but I find her diet advice ironic, and its hard to tell if I'm making progress because of our sessions or because of the medical issues I'm taking care of.

Today's session ended up being less focused than I might have liked. I began by telling R about the article I pitched that got rejected. She seemed to appreciate what a wrench it was to have my work rejected by the website Steve wrote for.

We briefly discussed my concerns over working with young people and writing about mental health.

'Have you considered that it might have a positive impact?'

'Not until a couple of seconds ago!'

'It might enrich your relationship with the young people if you show a little bit of Emotional Lost. I've read some of your work and you are always very professional.'

'I'm good at not wearing my heart on my sleeve, but that's why I haven't written publicly about what is going on for me now.'

Much as I wanted to read the writing prompt response out loud, I bottled it. I managed to explain about the process.

'It's not homework, so I don't have to do it, but this month's prompt was "What is the alternative to a happy ending?"

'Do you need me?'

I tried to explain that I was having a hard time with it.

'If you need me to, I can take over, or we can just be patient with you.'

I passed her the piece of paper.

'Should I read it out loud, or to myself?'

‘To yourself, please.’ I glanced at R as she read, but couldn’t get a sense of how it landed. She said that she picked up on the sense of pain and confusion.

‘You’ve written here that you don’t know what the alternative to a happy ending is, but you feel as though you are living the alternative.’

‘I’ve been thinking lately about the work I did with P, specifically about how we could talk around the emotions, but actually bringing the feelings into the space seemed to be forbidden.’

‘That was the message you got from her?’

‘That was the implicit expectation.’

‘The complete opposite of what I’m trying to do – let’s feel.’

‘When I tried to bring anger into the room, and mentioned that it was beyond words, P began to talk about outrage. Her analogy was about somebody hitting your car, and the sense that after that, you don’t really have words.’

‘I’m struggling to follow.’

‘I did too, but it was better than her analogy about animals and dealing with trauma.’

Over the course of the rest of our conversation, we established that ‘outrage’ feels safer for me than calling it anger, because outrage doesn’t impact anybody else.

In short, I’ve tried to press the mute button on my anger…and I’m really not sure how long that is going to work.

I reached for the letter, and twice picked up the wrong piece of paper.

‘Does that represent the anger?’

‘Yes.’

Rather than read it again, because we had limited time, I found myself saying ‘I don’t want to be OK with this.’

‘You don’t want to be OK with this?’ R went on to say that it sounds to her as though I’m in a stuck place. I cannot deny that.

‘As you were talking, I was imagining something. You have so many feelings…’

‘Are we talking about a mind map?’

‘You’re more creative than I am in a way, but maybe there is a way of representing the feelings, getting them out so that you can define how you are feeling, and how you want to feel.’

‘David’s latest series is on rest. I’ve had one Sunday so far, and other than his remarks on nostalgia, which blew my mind regarding my April experience…’

‘David Whyte does that to you, doesn’t he?’

‘Absolutely. One of the questions he inserted into Sunday seems relevant here. Can you rest into who you’ve lost?’

‘Oh, wow.’

If I accept Steve’s identity as a cornerstone support person in my life, I have to learn to live with that kind of loss. I can feel something brewing art-wise, but I don’t know what just yet.

‘What I can hear you saying is that you don’t want to accept this. Maybe there is some work that we can do, so that you can move towards accepting that this has happened, and work towards remembering Steve in the way that you want. The good memories are still there.’


R said that she was aware of the time, and didn’t want to leave me somewhere deep, so did I want to do some breathing. We did some breathing around connecting back to my body, and moving out of the mind.

When I opened my eyes, R asked whether I was OK to leave it there, and if I had anything planned for the rest of the day.

‘Tomorrow is a big day for me…it’s my birthday, and also the anniversary of the day you surprised me with your copy of the book.’

‘Happy birthday for tomorrow! You gifted me with the poem, I bought the book myself, but it remains the most sacred gift I have ever received from a client, and will remain so.’

When we said goodbye, she urged me to spend the rest of the day ‘washing all that off, so you can enjoy your day tomorrow.’

I feel blessed to have a therapist who shows me that she cares deeply.

Therapy went ok. I went in there at a 10 according to her. I was all worked up over my health issues and she was being dissmissive about it so I was a bit argumentaitvive. Her office was freezing so I used a pillow to cover my arms. But it ended up being a pretty deep session. She asked me if I'd be willing to go remote for the summer and I said I'd rather be in person. She asked if I was flexible then with my schedule and I said yeah. She didn't go into detail but she kinda indicated that she had a pretty rough childhood and didn't have a lot of support. I kinda word vomited and asked why she acted and seemed so much more mature then me despite the fact I was a few months older then her. She said something about matuirity levels and life expierences. She said she didn't think much about the age thing and asked if I did and I said yeah. We talked about transference T for a bit and I told her I told transference T stuff I couldn't tell her and she asked if I felt like I was getting everything I needed from her and I said yeah I told transference T stuff that no other therapist knew. Not just her. I have a message into her regarding the health issue we talked about at the start of the session but I haven't heard back from her yet.

Therapy was productive but I was pretty off as I suspected I would be. It was a zoom session. She was only 3 minutes late. I was wrapped up in a throw blanket and I was very tired despite just chugging an iced coffee before it started. I told her about my health problems. She said she wouldnt switch me to someone else. I voiced my anger and frustration with the Texas school shooting. Then we talked about my eating habits. She wants me to have a one time session with her supervisor who specializes in EDs. I told her I'd think about it. I'm not sure I want to. She switched me to an afternoon in person time slot for the summer. I told her going fully remote for the summer gave me bad summer 2020 telesession transference T vibes. After awhile of meeting it started becoming physically difficult for me to keep on talking and I had to keep repeating myself and she had to keep asking if I could hear her. At the end of the session she told me to get some rest. I asked if she could tell I was tired. She said yes and she also said she could tell I was having trouble talking. I said I just needed tylenol. She told me to tell my mom if it gets worse. But the session was productive, at least I think so I'm not sure what she thought.