In Session Today: Part VI

I had a 3PM in person session today. It was pretty productive. I got a lot of things off my chest and despite having a phelebotmy procedure in the morning I was ok physically. I wasn't really sure how an afternoon session would be in general. Especially since I was super preocciped before with something. But I put that aside and just focused on the session. We did talk about my transference T and I told her that every time I thought of her I felt like a knife was going through my chest and that things would never be ok with us and I would just have to find a way to accept it. I also told her I asked a therapist one time if she was anorexic because it bothered me. My T looked appalled and said "you can't ask someone that!' Then she said that it was ok to ask the therapist if she ate. Um ok, like thats a better question to ask. But yeah it was just a standard session of me basically babbling about my health issues and her just listening and commenting when needing to but it was productive.

Today’s session was helpful, although it was hard work. R came in, sat down, and asked how I was doing. ‘I’m here now. I’ve been thinking about you – I sense there’s been a process leading up to this session.’
‘There has indeed. Thank you for your e-mail. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted the candle, and then I decided that I did. Then there was some real world practice in asking for what I needed…’
‘In order to get materials?’
‘Yes. Could you light it?’
‘Of course.’
‘I had a loose plan for this week, but something happened on Monday that kind of derailed it. Back in March, I attended an online workshop combining the mindful drawing practice of Zentangle with grief support. Pieces from the workshop were to be included in an exhibition that would start on the 25th of May. The 25th came and went, and I didn’t hear anything. On Monday, I received an e-mail with photos and a copy of the digital booklet.’
I passed her a printed copy of my page, and showed her a picture of my piece in context.
‘What jumps out at me here is “honouring my feelings”.’
‘That’s why I shared it with you, because you know what it’s taken for me to get here.’
‘Thank you for sharing it with me.’
‘In my e-mail to you, I alluded to the second letter to Steve.’
‘Yes.’
‘That now exists, but I’m not sure whether to read it today or next week.’
I muttered to myself as I tried to find it. ‘Better organisation would be a plus.’
‘You are very organized.’
I unfolded the piece of paper and sat there with it for a moment.
‘Take your time.’
I batted away the thought that if I took too much time we’d be there until next week.
Finally I began to read. I reached for R’s hand as I came to the last paragraph. ‘It’s very close to the surface now.’

R made a noise that seemed to indicate she understood.
‘Nothing bad is going to happen.’
I felt R tighten her grip as I got closer to reading the phrase I had trouble with.
‘This is your truth.’
‘You were so loved, and you ****ing left.’
I battled with myself to get to the end of the letter.
When I finally finished, R said ‘Well done for writing your truth and sharing it with me.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Are you frustrated with yourself?’
‘I am.’
‘I have the sense that you didn’t get what you needed from reading that aloud?’
‘Who am I trying to protect?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Who am I trying to protect from the full force of my anger? When I’ve been around people expressing anger in the past, it’s a sharp thing and then it’s done. This feels like a sticky substance.'
‘Yes.’ R’s next words floored me.
‘Your core belief is that you’re not allowed to be angry.’
'My core belief is that I’m not allowed to be angry. It’s OK to be angry that somebody when they have done something that inconveniences you like buying elastic shoelaces for a pair of shoes that were not designed to use them.’
‘In a situation like that, there is a path to repair.’
‘Not buying any more elastic shoelaces!’
‘It’s not an immediate end to the relationship, but there is something different about this.’
‘I find it hard to believe that he is at peace now, because of that final act. It comes to knowing too much, and I’m not talking about the theatre newsletter, although I could be. When I read the blurb to the crowd funding campaign, I don’t know or I can’t remember who wrote it, but they wrote “We believe that Steve would want you to know…” I reached for R’s hand again.

‘Peace and desperation are opposites in my book.’
R compared this to somebody who is addicted to drugs looking for their next hit.
‘There’s the hope that it’s a moment, and it will change.’
‘I can’t remember where I read it, but I’ve never forgotten what he wrote about the sense of calm when the decision is made.’
R then said that she was aware of the time, and didn’t want to leave me in a difficult place.
‘Is there anything left over?’
‘Next week, other than the change of time and day, nothing else changes, right?’

‘Nothing changes.’

R then got up and said ‘You can stay sitting, but I want to give you a little hug now. You’ve worked really hard today.’

‘Thank you. I am really hoping that this change of work to Thursdays will be temporary.’

‘Is there some anxiety there? I can be flexible. As long as you want me around, we can make it work. I always have space for you.’

Our breathing focused on releasing any tension built up in my body.

R asked whether I wanted her to blow the candle out.

‘I’d like to be the one to do that.’

‘I’ll hold it. That’s a nice way to end the session.’

Had my first Therapy session in nearly 3 years today, overall it went well. It was done via phone but future sessions will be via Skype. First time in my life I have had a Male Therapist but overall I think it went very well.

I had a pdoc session today. My first in person one since October 2020. He said I looked good and he hadn't seen me since all my surgeries and my weight loss. He asked how things were going. I told him mental health wise things were fine. Physically they were tough. I explained about the high blood levels and the needing frequent procedures and he agreed I should stay on my injections or else my depression would sprial. He asked how therapy was going and I said it was going good. I casually brought up transference T and asked if she was ever around and he said no shes mostly still doing remote, and that she comes in maybe an hour a week to do paperwork. I said that it was still tough not seeing her and me and my current therapist discuss it each week. He said I was welcome to come in to see him in person whenenever I wanted to. He didn't do anything with my meds. We both know without having to tell each other, that the issues I am having will not be helped by increasing or decreasing my psych meds. He just said "I'll send your refills over to the pharamacy, hopefully you get your physical stuff figured out." He came out and said hello to my mom. Which my mom said was nice. So yeah it was a pretty good session. We talked about the ukraine war and he told me last time I was really worried about it and he asked me if I still was and I mentioned not watching much news and then I said "do you still think its the end of the world?" And he basicslly just said its like Covid and at first it was really scary but now we have just learned to live with it. I was much more vocal then I am normally with him. Normally I'm pretty timid with him. I don't know if its the high blood level or if seeing all these doctors just has made me used to them and used to advocating for myself. Or if I do feel better because I just had the procedure yesterday and that first day after puts me in a good mood. Idk. But it was a good session.

Today was just a standard session. On my way there I got a call from a pulmonary doctor wanting to set up an appointment so I can get a sleep study done. So we talked about that. We mainly just talked about how I was told my biopsy was not urgent and I could take my time getting it done and then they called last Thursday and they want it done on Friday. We talked about my anxiety and fears involved in it. Basically it was just a normal session. Me unloading my health issues onto her. Her listening and commenting when needing. Etc etc etc. I wonder if I should try every other week for the summer. I'm not sure how much I'm getting out of therapy right now and I don't like this summer time slot anyways.

Therapy wasn't very productive today. I was doing remote and I've been feeling like crap all day. I have on a muscle tank top and my hair is a mess and I look like a slob. I was doing the session in bed as normal due to the lack of privacy in my house. But she didn't say anything about my appearance except that I looked tired and commented a couple times that I looked like I was going to fall asleep. She knows I'm going through a lot of health stuff right now so physical apperance especially in a remote therapy session is probably not one of my priorities. I'm sure she's seen worse too. But we just talked mostly about how to eat better and we came up with another food list and we talked about some of the medical stuff and the biopsy and how to distract myself until I know the results. She emailed me the list we made. So it wasn't a complete waste of a session I just looked awful and wasn't feeling too good.

It's good when you and your T are on the same page about important issues. Emotional Lost will need another session to talk about what we discussed today, but all in all it was a positive experience.

Therapy really sucked for the first time in weeks. Our internet connection kept breaking up the entire time. I made a fat phobic comment, not about her though. and then she called me a green light or a red light, not sure what she was talking about at all. And she questioned if I really wanted to get better. What a ****ing mess I hope I didnt screw myself over. She said I wasn't in trouble.

But what did she mean when she called me a red or a green light?

I had my first in-person session in nearly 3 years today and all-in-all I think it went pretty well.

I was crabby with her today. I'm not sure why because I'm not anxious or feeling sick today and nothing she was saying was particularly pissing me off. I was just a bit fiesty today. I think I just haven't been eating enough lately. But basically it was just the same food talk as normal. I brought up the eating disorder person she wants us to meet with and I said "you're not going to back door me and switch me to her are you" and my therapist said "no... why would I do that." And I said "because I've had it happen before where therapists say I'm stuck with them and then I'm too much for them so they switch me to someone else." She said she wouldnt switch me but then she said "if I did switch you though you'd be in excellent hands because she knows a ton about this stuff." Lol this is like from Big Brother when they are all like "I smell a back door plan" anyways I guess I just didn't want to be there today mainly because I was hungry.

In the (as then unknown) final session. Her: "I want to stay with you. I am here."

In the final email. Her: "I know this is unexpected. I am sorry to tell you in this way."

Liar.

Therapy went as well as it could go with me being sleep deprived and super hangry. There was a bad joke I made she seemed to just ignore. A word vomit question and then conversation about the current events. Basically I felt weird but it was probably just me. I came home and ate some soup and I'll probably forget about her and the session in a few hours.

I met with this therapist today. My "current" one was not there. This therapist was super pissed my therapist cancelled on me when I was already there and she was even more upset that I thought I did something wrong.

She's a big LBTQ ally. Shes about 15 years older then me. A great age. I did not find her physically attractive which is good. She is very honest and open. She does emails although I learned my lesson from my transference T about those. I did agree to work with her. Although I'm still on guard because of all the other times I've gotten hurt. She was understanding though and showed zero judgement. A bit of a blank slate but an honest one. She seemed super eager to work with me. It went well. I am not feeling good physically so I have to do a bit of fact checking but yeah she wasn't creepy or a bigot or unproffesional like the others.

Therapy went well. I like her although I do sense a tiny bit of fakeness but just a little. She shares the same poltical views and beliefs that I do which is a big deal. There was a slight scheduling issue at the end. I had set up an appointment with her for next week and then when we walked up to meet my mom my mom reminded me I had a doctors apppointment that day. Which we had already rescheuled. I see so many doctors I can't keep track. I felt like my therapist was a bit annoyed. Shes going to email me another time. She said absoultly go ahead and email her about how my new med is like. So yeah overall it went good today.

T yesterday. We'd met Sunday (weird schedule this week), but he'd had to switch to virtual at the last minute (not Covid-related), which upset me, so a good part of Sunday's session was spent on that. I felt rather unsettled after that session, so I asked if we could meet Monday instead of Tuesday.

I said I hated how I reacted so strongly to things like last-minute changes to virtual. That I wanted to just be fine with it. But because it does affect me, then we have to spend time talking about that, so it's time I can't spend talking about other stuff. And I feel like things keep happening.

Me (through tears): "It just feels like any time I start to feel safe or secure with you, something happens." Dr. T: "Switching to virtual makes you feel less secure?" Me: "Yes. I'm not sure why. I think because when it's a last-minute change, it's hard to trust that it won't keep happening. Because back pre-pandemic, that would have been a cancellation. But you never cancelled. So now that it's happened a couple times, plus your having to work from home a couple days next week, without saying why for any of them. I mean, I know, you have the right to privacy and all that. But...it just worries me, of course in part because of ex-MC."

Dr. T: "If there was anything going on that I thought could affect our work together, more than one session, even if it was like a 10% chance, I would tell you. I may not give you any specifics, but I would let you know it was going on." Me: "OK, that helps to know." Dr. T: "Did ex-MC not do that?" Me: "No, he just kept canceling." Dr. T: "He should have said something." (This was before I knew what was going on with his sick wife, obviously.)

He said, "It feels like the only way I could make this better for you is to not ever go on vacation or take a day off." Me: "But I understand you deserve to go on vacation." Dr. T: "I know--you make it very clear whenever you mention it. And I believe you. But I can tell you wished I wouldn't go. It's like you're speaking from your head, but your heart feels something else." Me: "Yes. This will sound cliched, but it feels like I'm a little kid clinging to her mother's leg at daycare drop-off." Dr. T: "That's exactly the sense I get. But I mean I don't know how to help you with it other than to not go." Me: "But I also know you need breaks to be a better therapist."

Dr. T: "You're right. I went for months without a vacation. And I don't think I've told you this before. But I do feel that I haven't been as good of a therapist." (I was unsure what to say to that, as I actually felt like he'd been a better T to me since the pandemic.)

He also said that it has felt like I've been pushing him more lately. Me: "What do you mean? Can you tell me how you were experiencing that? I honestly want to understand." He mentioned about my pushing more for in person, being bothered by virtual, etc., but didn't really give specific examples.

I said how it felt like things had gone generally smoothly while we were only virtual, just a couple minor conflicts. But that we've had considerably more conflicts/ruptures since we've been back in person. To the point that I wondered if maybe I should just switch back to virtual. Dr. T: "You mean like just do virtual for the next 6 weeks, with the weird schedule?" Me (crying): "Yeah...but no, I don't really want that."

I said how it felt like all the conflicts had something to do with in-person vs. virtual. I mentioned the texting thing in that (where I sent brief texts before session to confirm in-person, and he was originally fine with it, then told me it had become irritating).

We talked about that more. He said how he found it very difficult to reassure me then. It seemed like everything he tried didn't help me feel better, and he wasn't sure what else to say to let me know that it wasn't a big deal to him at all. I said, "Maybe I just needed you to say, 'everything is OK'--wait, I think you did say that, and I guess it didn't help."

I said how when my brain goes in a certain direction, it's difficult to turn it off. Dr. T: "Are you aware of when that's happening?" Me: "Yes, but I'm still not sure how to stop it." Dr. T: "So it's difficult for things to penetrate at that time, like to get beyond the intellectual and into the heart?" Me: "Yes, exactly."

Me (crying): "I wish I could just be OK with this, with your going on vacation or switching to virtual or whatever. I wish I could just trust that I'll be OK, that I'll get through it, that things will be OK here." Dr. T: "I think that's basically the definition of secure attachment." Me: "That's part of what's so hard for me--I'll start to think I'm securely attached, then some small thing happens, and I'll realize I'm not."

He said for now, maybe it's partly about just accepting that the next 6 weeks or so would be difficult for me. That I'll struggle with it.

He also said something that's sticking with me: To try to think of the relationship like climate as opposed to weather. How there might be a storm in there, but the overall climate stays the same.

I said I felt good about our conversation and asked if he felt OK about it, too. He said he did, adding that he wondered if this could have a therapy grenade effect (where it feels fine in the moment but is upsetting later when I think about it). That I was welcome to email if it did (I haven't, though I typed up a few thoughts in Drafts).

The thing that stuck out to me is he seemed to be trying very hard to understand, both what I was feeling and how to help me. And he wasn't at all defensive. It felt like we were both very open and honest with each other.

Today went ok. I was so checked out and tired to the point I was basically dissociated the whole time. I'm not totally sure whats up. I feel kinda bad for not putting in the effort I should have. We talked about my dysphoria mainly. She said I had the perfect body type for a guy because of my broad shoulders and thats why stores like Hollister were good for me to shop at. Idk. I don't really like comments about my appeareance. I was just out of it the whole time and I still feel out of. Like I swear she switched offices but she said she didn't. But I don't know if I'm having a complete head **** or if shes gas lighting me because I swear we werent in the same office last time. She asked me on our way out if I had eaten anything today and I said not really and she told me I should. I did eat a bit after but I'm not very hungry. I did find out the thing I did eat that made me sick I'm highly senstive to. So I wasn't mucking around for no reason today. She swears like in F bombs which I don't always like and I was talking about urinary rentention and she told me to stick my finger up my you know what to massage the area. Like dude that word causes dysphoria. But eh I think it was just me today being too senstive.

I do not like your T(s) commenting so much on your appearance/body type. It really screams bad therapist-ing on my part.

A lot of people comment on my body type and appearance and the way the way I dress, whether they should or not. My pdoc told me I looked great after all my surgeries and my weight loss and I've had coworkers ask how much I weigh. Its annoying but at least my therapist wasn't being creepy about it the way some other people have.

That bothers me as well. In part because I don't think they would make that sort of comment to someone who is not trans. Though I'd be bothered about them talking about my appearance in general (whether saying something positive or negative), unless maybe if it was something that I brought up.

I think of once, early on in seeing my T, when I talked about the amount of beer I was drinking at the time. He replied, "How do you stay so skinny?" (Beer is pretty high in calories.) I didn't say anything at the time, but it bothered me. (Also, I'm not skinny!) He hasn't said anything about my appearance in years (I'd call him out on it at this point if he did). But a couple years ago, he did describe a former (female) client once in rather unflattering terms. I told him that did bother me, and he apologized. Hasn't done it since.

I once had a kid say to me in 6th grade "Mountaindewed you eat so fast but you are so skinny!" Like is that supposed to be a compliment or something?

Had a good session today, I mentioned to my Therapist that the Mother of a former Therapist of mine either worked there in the past or still works there now, although she declined to say anything else.

I feel bad that I didn't seem to put in the effort today. I was hungover from taking my melatonin too late and also my stomach and anxiety were off this morning so I needed some zofran and valium and stuff to calm it which helped my stomach and anxiety but didn't help me being hungover. We talked about stuff but I was just so out of it I felt like I could barely get my words out. She said she saw me at the grocery store and it took her a minute to recgonize me and she said she thought I was just some dude shopping. Man I hate running into people I know and a therapist would be on the top of that list. She said it was on Monday but I think she has either her days or her stores confused. But basically I feel like I'm making all my progress on my own outside of sessions and then just shooting the breeze with her while strungover on meds when I'm in sessions.

Therapy went pretty well last night. I wish it would have lasted longer--it was about 50 minutes...but it was one of those times where I could have kept on talking.


I feel fragile and stuff. It is hard coming out of IP and straight back into regular life. I don't know if I explained that well enough to T.


And I am struggling with a lot of shame and disappointment and embarrassment about having to go to the hospital again. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do.

Had a pretty good session with my Therapist today, looking forward to next week.

Had an abriviated but good session today, we talked about many different things.