In Session Today: Part VI

R began today’s session by confirming that she had received my email. She said it came back to her late last night, when it was not an appropriate time to reply.

We spoke about my process regarding emails, and how the Critic always gets in first. R asked what the aftermath of the session was like. I confirmed that I felt shame, and felt deeply uncomfortable.

‘It is hard for me that so much of my life has become about managing grief.’ As I finished that sentence, I began to cry. R urged me to release it and let it out.

‘This shouldn’t be an every session thing!’

R said she understands – ‘This is talking therapy, and you want to talk…but sometimes the emotions need to come out first, and the words come later.’

I continued to cry for a few moments, and then said: ‘Professional Lost has a compassionate side, but it is nothing like the version of me you see.’

‘Emotional Lost.’ R offered that I could come up with a positive affirmation to use either in session after I have cried, or if I am crying on my own.

‘It has to be your words.’

‘I accept crying, and the aftermath as part of the process.’ I wrote it down, and R did the same.

She asked me whether I felt like I could access self-compassion, or whether it was more difficult for me to access self-compassion than compassion for others.

‘Stop dodging,’ I said to myself, ‘and just say ‘Yes.’’

I went on to say that self compassion felt more like something I borrowed. R asked where from, and I struggled to admit that it was from her.

R explained that when I am experiencing heightened emotions, it actually shuts off parts of the brain, so it makes sense that it is harder for me to self-soothe during those times.

‘After the surge has passed, and ideally before the Critic jumps in, use your affirmation. There are peaks and low points.’


R began today’s session by confirming that she had received my email. She said it came back to her late last night, when it was not an appropriate time to reply.

We spoke about my process regarding emails, and how the Critic always gets in first. R asked what the aftermath of the session was like. I confirmed that I felt shame, and felt deeply uncomfortable.

‘It is hard for me that so much of my life has become about managing grief.’ As I finished that sentence, I began to cry. R urged me to release it and let it out.

‘This shouldn’t be an every session thing!’

R said she understands – ‘This is talking therapy, and you want to talk…but sometimes the emotions need to come out first, and the words come later.’

I continued to cry for a few moments, and then said: ‘Professional Lost has a compassionate side, but it is nothing like the version of me you see.’

‘Emotional Lost.’ R offered that I could come up with a positive affirmation to use either in session after I have cried, or if I am crying on my own.

‘It has to be your words.’

‘I accept crying, and the aftermath as part of the process.’ I wrote it down, and R did the same.

She asked me whether I felt like I could access self-compassion, or whether it was more difficult for me to access self-compassion than compassion for others.

‘Stop dodging,’ I said to myself, ‘and just say ‘Yes.’’

I went on to say that self compassion felt more like something I borrowed. R asked where from, and I struggled to admit that it was from her.

R explained that when I am experiencing heightened emotions, it actually shuts off parts of the brain, so it makes sense that it is harder for me to self-soothe during those times.

‘After the surge has passed, and ideally before the Critic jumps in, use your affirmation. There are peaks and low points.’

I explained that I had been aware of peaks and lows with Chris’ illness, but with the abusive situation, it remained at peak intensity.

‘The experience with Chris was like being held.’

R said she could tell I was going somewhere intense, and she wanted to make sure that she left me safe. So we did some breathing, and confirmed our next two sessions.

I had a session with my Pdoc today. He didn’t yell at me like I was expecting him to. He was actually really friendly. But I told him about my kidney issues and then my tremors and he didn’t like freak out but he was pretty concerned and insisted he talk to my primary doctor before he can do anything about my meds. So I’m not sure what that was all about but I only saw my Pdoc for about 5 minutes. He said none of the meds I’m on can cause kidney issues. The problem is that my meds may not be working properly because of kidneys. Therefore causing mental health problems.

The funny thing is in my IOP they kept stressing that “emotions are just emotions, and thoughts are just thoughts” and now I honestly do get it.

Although it does sound a bit armchairish and like I’m getting generic therapy that I can’t actually afford.

Saw T on Saturday. I was a little concerned when I got there because her car wasn't there. I was like, "Oh no. She forgot." But I just played on my phone and soon enough she came. Whew.


She said she is only seeing in person me and one other person. She knows I am responsible she says plus I just got my negative Covid test. We sit six feet apart and wear masks.


She was very happy and very proud.


She asked how my appointment went with the Pdoc. I told her that the Pdoc wants to put me on Latuda as well as the Rexulti because of the hallucinations. She said, "Lets talk about your hallucinations."

So I told her about the demon. I told her that Pastor T doesn't think it is real. She said she doesn't think so either. But when we talked about the hallucinations we called it a demon just to have common ground as to what to call it. We talked about it grabbing my throat. She said that was interesting. What had I said that I wasn't supposed to say? I told her about some times recently at work where I have had to make an unpopular stand. I talked about what the demon was saying to me We ended up talking about what I was fearful of.


Fearful of people being angry with me. It's like a terror that I have. I can't stand it. It frightens me to death.


Flashback to work. Fearful of coworker being angry with me. Aha. Precipitating event. I'm not crazy. The hallucinations had a meaning. It didn't "come out of nowhere." She said Pdoc is afraid because of the demon. It's unlike me. I must have been very fearful. I was.


T said I am becoming more clear. This made me happy. This is progress.--Kit

I looked at new therapists this afternoon online.. I found a therapist who is a transgender women who also works with people with autism. I’m wondering if that’s what I need. I’ve told my current therapist that I’m thinking of terminating things with her. After the program I’ve realized what the issue is and it’s her. So far she hasn’t replied to my email. She did reply to one and said “boundaries need to be put in place now regarding emails because it’s become a safety issue.” I’m not exactly sure what she meant by that. A safety issue for her or for me? I figured the emails would become a boundary issue soon. I even asked about it in group. I mean I guess I just misunderstood her when she said “email me as much as you want.” But yeah I’m starting to realize after my program that besides my dysphoria she is the cause of all my distress and anxiety. Once she said we can’t do anymore in person sessions, that’s when I kind of lost it.

If I was someone else watching our session we had, I would NEVER think you had been seeing me for 5 years. Could you tell when I gave up and said I just feel like a big blue milky jelly rock. I wish you knew me and I knew you, I wish our relationship could develop from both sides without me trying to drag it in to next week. I wish you could really see me.

I began today’s session with high expectations of myself.
‘I don’t want to waste a word, and I don’t want to get emotional.’ R was intrigued by my not wanting to waste a word.
‘What does that mean?’
‘Everything I say in this space has to have value.’ I explained that since words are all we have at the moment, it has become more important than ever that I explain myself well.
When R asked how I was doing, all I could muster was ‘Nervous stomach, and nervous everything else.’

‘Nervous as in anticipating something in particular, or just the sensation?’
‘Ten years ago tomorrow, something happened.’ R said it sounded as though I was still trying to make sense of it.
‘I’m still stuck on ‘I don’t want to waste a word.’

‘Meanwhile, I am thinking about previous occasions where you have commented that it is difficult for you to understand what I am going through.’
‘When you are crying?’
‘When I [here I stopped myself using the phrase ‘time travel’] go somewhere else.’

‘When you are in that space. We overcame that somewhat when I sat on the floor.’ At that point, I dissolved.
R urged me to let it out – ‘It wants to come out, and it needs to come out. Close your eyes and imagine I’m there with you, holding your hands. I’m here with you in this space.’
R urged me to use my affirmation when I felt ready.
We spoke at length about the juxtaposition between the two experiences.
‘I feel as though I am bracing for a death anniversary, even though cognitively, I know this isn’t that.’
‘You feel as though you are bracing for a death anniversary.’ We spoke at length about the differences between this experience and Chris’ passing.
‘With this experience, there was no sense of relief…it just snowballed.’ I mentioned that the forum going offline in December 2013 was another layer of loss.
‘Grieving for Chris was a communal experience, but with this I was on my own.’
A lot of what I attempted to say today felt like gibberish. AT one point R asked whether I wanted her to talk. She later explained that she could see what I was fighting against, and wanted to give me the space.
‘I don’t want to say I’m glad you cried, but it was almost the best thing you could do.’ She urged me to be kind to myself over the next few days, and then said she wouldn’t let me go without doing some breathing.

She asked how my shoulders were, and I remarked that when I cried I felt them resume their proper position.

‘There’s scientific evidence that we hold a lot of tension in the neck and shoulders. I’ve been asked whether I lift weights before. Emotional tension is held there.’
We focused on settling my shoulders, and then did some cleansing breaths.

My session after 7 weeks was decent. I was kinda standoffish because I felt like I needed to create my own boundaries. She was not standoffish. I told her I legit felt like the program helped. We talked about what I learned. She was enthusiastic about the things I learned. I was shaking the whole time and she thought it was an anxiety thing. Basically it was just like a follow up therapy session about the program. Most of the things we discussed were program related. I had a lot more stuff to discuss and I will be talking about them next week. We lost track of the time. So I felt a bit like I was left hanging and I was in a funk afterwards for awhile. But I legit think she just wanted to talk about the program today.

Today went well. I told her I was kinda bummed out about ending so abruptly last session. But that I was keeping track of the time today. She was in a good non pushy non angry type of mood. Even when I told her I was S last night. I told her the move and the carpets being installed and the virus strains and stuff was just really getting to me yesterday and yesterday evening. We made a safety plan and she made me promise if things got bad then to call 911 or go to the hospital. I told her I didn’t want to move and to leave her but then we looked up the therapist I’m thinking of switching to and she said that this therapist seems like a really good fit for me. So that made me feel better. But she was nice and helpful today.

My session this morning started off talking about how cold it was. I handed her my mood tracker that I do every morning. We spent a few minutes talking about why my mood has been so low.


I told her how much i think about my Grandpa and it really effects my life. It lead to talking about how much of my life and self worth has been towards my Grandpa. I just feel guilty for telling people he was not a good person or seeing that image of him was not how he was with me.


The led her asking me to do a forgiveness letter to myself because I feel so guilty about everything in my life. Thats going to be hard.


I have had some issues with day program and I really told her everything thats been going on inside. We spent the majority of time focusing on that. She helped me relize that it's okay to be myself and let people go. I think I have out grown a friendship and it has caused me nothing but stress and feeling unsafe in day program.


She thanked me for talking so openly about this issue at day program and we ended the session by setting up more appointments 2 weeks apart. We talked about whats going well too. It was a good session

I began today’s session by sharing the news regarding the future publication of my poem about my relationship with R.

She said it made her feel a bit emotional, and that she was proud of me. We ended up retracing my process around the poem, and I gave voice to some of my fears. She understood my unease about sharing such a personal aspect of my life through poetry.
I recognised that I might have spent a little too much time on the topic, so we changed tack into talking about my anger, as we had previously discussed. When R asked what my latest news had done to my emotional landscape, I replied that it had brought balance.

‘And perhaps a bit of light?’
‘Yes.’
I spoke at length about my struggle to allow the anger to be there, as it is a different kind of anger to the frustrations I have previously experienced. ‘This is more long term.’
We talked again about my fear of the fallout if I let my anger out. R queried my belief that anger has to be directed at somebody if I let it out.

‘It’s the idea that they knew what they were doing – ‘Because of all you’ve been through, etc.’

‘They knew, and yet they continued.’
‘Exactly.’
I wrestled with myself a bit before I spoke again. ‘You know how much I hate bringing P into this space.’
‘I nearly mentioned P when we were talking about our relationship. It came into my mind for a split second, but I am aware of the uncomfortability around it, so I didn’t, but…bring her in.’
There was a moment where she asked me if I had reached out to them to ask why. Eye contact with her was difficult, but I think I gave her a look. My response was ‘Of course not’, and she replied ‘Why not? Because you’re too angry?’

R reaffirmed that she was ‘infuriated’ by the way P treated me. ‘More pushing you than working with you…is there some anger there?’
I gathered myself before I responded. ‘I spent more time trying to explain how this came to be than anything else. If therapy is 50% about being heard, and 50% overhearing yourself…that first 50% needs to be in place.’
‘Being heard and understood. Understanding is very important to you.’
‘Yes. In both situations, I needed understanding, and didn’t get it. The one person in the world who would have understood is no longer in the world…and they targeted her too.’
‘So there’s anger on Chris’ behalf as well, but your needs weren’t met. That is huge. How does that make you feel?’

‘It’s on the tip of my tongue, so I may as well use it. It’s like a red rag to a bull.’
R then said she was aware we had discussed leaving more time for breathing exercises, which we hadn’t managed this time. She asked whether I still wanted to do that, and I replied that I would rather go with the flow. If we need to spend more time breathing, we can.
She asked whether there was anything left over, at which point I mentioned the online singing workshops I have joined for people living with physical pain. We spoke about my reason for joining, and then I revealed why I brought it up.

‘What is the one song that I don’t want to bump into under any circumstances? And what is the next song we are doing?’
‘There’s no such thing as coincidence. You’re speaking from a place of fear, but I can tell there is a part of you that really wants to go. I would offer you to feel your way into it. Forgive yourself if you don’t go…and just be kind to yourself.’
‘I didn’t realise how good it felt to sing. Music is a necessity to me, not just a hobby.’
‘Music is medicine.’
‘Exactly.’
Our breathing exercises today focused on letting go of some anger.

Today went decently. I told her about my split dose and that I felt better and I also wasn’t super horny all the time so I wasn’t frustrated because of that. I told her I thought I had an eating disorder and she thought we were already in aggrence about that. I asked her if she actually wanted to meet with me or if she was just dealing with me because it would be stupid to switch me to someone else when I’m only going to be here for a couple more months. She told she does want to continue to work with me but she’s wondering if she’s doing everything she can since she doesn’t work with eating disorders. But I told her that it had been going on a lot longer then we were working together. That it had probably been going on since I was 5 but then the meds messed with my weight and then when I went off them in 2015 the problem seemed to come on. She thinks my self worth is tied down to my weight. I told her I was drinking water. And she said “Um. What’s that supposed to mean?” And I said you can’t admit someone if they are drinking water. And she said that just means I can’t be hooked up to an IV if I’m drinking water. I asked her if she knew why I always had my shirt halfway covering my face and I was always moving the camera around. And she said “I don’t know. I thought it was always because you were fidgety or anxious.” And I said it was because I had a double chin on camera and I was trying to get the right angle. She said “everyone looks bad on zoom.” Then about 7 minutes before we ended I said “ok. Now I’m moving around because my back hurts.” And she laughed and said “yeah because your sitting on the floor.” Then that kind of broke the ice and we were able to be ok with each other the rest of the time. We talked about how bad Covid will get. She doesn’t believe me. We talked about the vaccine and how our parents are getting them. I told her my sister who’s a teacher got hers. She wants me to go to the doctor for my UTI because it can turn into something a lot bigger if I don’t. And she’s wondering why I’ll take my cat to the vet and why I’m so worried about him but I’m not worried about myself and I won’t take myself to a doctor. I kinda laughed randomly a couple times. She didn’t really pay any attention. One time I thought she kinda smiled back. I don’t know why that is happening. It’s not just in therapy. I’m laughing a lot at the dumbest things lately even when I’m by myself. But I asked her at the end if today went well and she said “I thought so.” I don’t feel like hiding the rest of the day in bed like I normally do after therapy. So either therapy went well or I’m feeling better overall from my meds so I don’t really care if she doesn’t like me or not. I know my split dose has made me feel less clingy with her.

Today went well. I was feeling off but I was able to explain why. She didn’t seem as concerned as I’d thought she’d be. Maybe she was kinda putting up a guard because of the whole transference thing that’s going on. She was nice though. She pushed me a bit on a couple issues and I answered her without getting annoyed. I said because of all the health issues I was scared to eat a lot of unhealthy foods like Kraft boxed spaghetti and macaroni and cheese. The stuff I was eating a lot of before. She said just try to make sure I’m eating enough. I told her my favorite song was Halls by Andrew McMahon and I asked if she’d listen to it. I’ve been wanting her to listen to it for awhile but I feel like now is the best time. She said she’d try to remember. Basically today went well but I had zero energy the entire session.

Today went well. I told her about a couple issues I was having. The emails and how confusing the boundaries were. And then I talked to her about the promises of in person sessions. We worked through these things. I insisted I was not mad at her. She said she’s going to call the new therapist Thursday morning. She asked me if there was anything I wanted the new therapist to know. I told her I wanted the new one to know about the trans and autism stuff. She said that this new therapist seems like a really good fit. She does some type of therapy that really impressed my T. I don’t know what it is though. We talked a bit about the medical stuff. Not a lot. We talked about how I feel like my mom enables my brothers bad eating and weight gain. We talked a lot and I didn’t shut down at all. She looked really emotional and she said bye and I said “it’s been interesting.” And she was like “yes it has.” Then we just looked at each other for several seconds before she logged out.

So far I’m just like “meh” Not sure if things will start to hit me later or not.

I had a good first session with the new T This T does in person sessions as well and video sessions were a big challenge for me. But the new one was very patient with me and nice but not in a condescending tone or like she thought I was mentally challenged. I liked the way she talked to me. She also had a ton of helpful info too and resources that will help me when I move. She says she is excited to meet with me. It’s a bit frustrating how easily I can move on though from one person to the next.

My session went well. I was nervous so I may have been coming off as a bit standoffish. Old T did actually email her. So now I’m waiting on a disclosure from new T so they can talk. But basically today we just talked about my move. We talked about the procedure on my chest. I told her about my weighted blankets and she asked if I had any other sensory coping skills and I said yeah but they are weird ones. She gave me this look I often get from people. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s kinda like a “what can possibly be so bad about it?” I told her I’d tell her but I wasn’t comfortable yet. She thinks my autism is a big part of what’s going on in my life. She has worked with people with autism and other developmental delays so I trust her I just didn’t know it was such a big deal until I was told by a therapist in 2018 that it was best for me to work with someone who specialized in autism. But she was talking about the stuff she can do for me when I move, the resources she can find me. I mentioned this site and that it’s very difficult for me to talk to people verbally and most of the time I just end up ignoring people when they talk to me but that I am fine talking online. She gave me a tour of her office. She says she is really looking forward to meeting with me in person. I told her the video sessions had been super hard for me and were a big part of things. But yeah today was good.

I saw my Pdoc today and I don’t know how to feel. He said some therapists are going back to in person in 2 weeks and I have a new therapist in the area I’m moving to, and it’s been over a month since I last saw the old one so a lot of me is already over her. So I don’t really care if they are going back since the transference with her was so tough and was the reason I left in the first place. But now my moods are evening out with my split injection so I don’t feel crazy attached to old T anymore so I feel like I can move on as easily as I could with other T’s. But I was really hoping to get a few in person sessions with old T before I moved So I’m just very very confused right now.

Therapy went very well today. She seems to get me. She doesn’t quite understand the whole doing sessions in closets things I don’t think. But she is very knowledgeable and shows emotion. I told her about the move and she said that was fast. I was honest with her and I told her I felt bad about what my Pdoc told me yesterday about old T returning to the office in 2 weeks. She seems to think it’s the sudden unexpected news I got that I wasn’t prepared for. Kinda like I was having a tough time with the change in things and it freaked me out. I mentioned the transference with old T and old T had sent to new T that info, so she already knew. My T asked if I wanted her as a girlfriend or what. I said I just had a crush on her and I thought she was hot. My T said “she must be really pretty.” She asked me why I never told Old T before when it was starting to get bad and I mentioned not wanting her to fire me. T said she hopes there’s no transference between us and she said “I’m old enough to be your mother” she said she’s worried about my lack of social interactions. I mentioned wanting to go back to work where I get my social interactions.

Today went well. She commented on the fact that I was rocking back and forth and suggested a rocking chair might help me. We also talked about compression shirts and I told her I have several and a pressure belt. I told her about my oral sensory issues and that I like to suck and chew on things. I told her about the things I use and she was just like “whatever. If you want to bring them into our in person sessions that’s fine” I of course won’t do that but I am super glad she’s accepting. And I’m also glad it only took me 4 sessions to tell her and I didn’t have to tell her in email. She says I use the word weird a lot and I never noticed it. But my mom says I use it a lot too. My T asked why I used it and I said I didn’t know that maybe I use it when I don’t know what else to say. She was eating a Twix bar and I said “is that a Twix bar?” And she laughed and said “yeah if you were here I’d share one with you.” I’m glad I’m at ease with her the same way I was with my old T. I seem more open though with new T.

Brief back story to why I saw him yesterday: we have been figuring out when to try face to face, and I had suggested 26th May and he said he would prefer 2nd June as he has visitors on 26th May. This induced some shame in me and made me feel I shouldn't see him via zoom on 26th May either.

So I said to him last week that I couldn't see him tomorrow (Wed). He said he wished we had put some time aside to talk about it and make it feel okay for me to see him. I said could I see him on Mon (yesterday) to talk about it. He said yes.

So yesterday I decided to tell him the uncomfortable things that I don't normally say because I am scared of jeopardising things. eg that I sometimes feel confused and like he sends mixed signals. Sometimes I feel like his child, sometimes he acts like I am, and sometimes he sends me a message that suggests to me that he very much doesn't see me that way (I said all of this with the caveat that I KNOW that I'm not his child and these are just feelings from one part of me, but real feelings nonetheless.

We talked about it. I felt like he wasn't being curious about what I was feeling. I kept saying i was feeling "things" and he didn't even ask what. He said that's because he is getting too wrapped up in process and not what is happening here and now. I said that it is easy as a client to feel objectified, like a curiosity rather than someone with real here and now feelings that need attending to.

I can't remember what was said next but at one point he said that occasionally he gets in a muddle about our relationship and this is one of those times. He said he thinks sometimes the fact we get on so well distracts us from the work. He said he notices that even though we are discussing hard stuff, we are occasionally smiling and it is because we like each other's company so much.

I said what is it distracting us from? What are we not doing? He said preparing to go back to face to face. I said why do I feel no urgency to prepare yet you do? I can't remember how he answered that. I feel like he feels everything has to be perfect for face to face. That's why he didn't want me there on a day there is visitors (he never would have said that pre covid) and he even said a few weeks ago that he is anxious that everything won't be exactly how I remember. But I really don't care if it isn't. I just want to see him.

At one point I said "our relationship is weird" and he said "it is unusual". I think we need to talk more about what we mean by that and I have it on the agenda for next session.

We talked about how only Zoom T feels real to me, I don't remember actual T so well, so I will miss Zoom T.

Towards the end of the session I said to my T "I wish I were your child" which I have never said to him before.i don't know what I mean by it. I don't think I wish I was raised by him. I think it's more about my needs now, and not feeling like I have enough of him now. I also told him I wished he could say that he wishes that too.

I am seeing him again tomorrow.

The start of the "i wish I were your child" conversation frustrated me. I felt like I was talking about me and him, but he was talking in general terms about "the therapy relationship" and "the limitations of being a client". I told him I was frustrated with him for making it all about me and not about what is happening between us.
He then said "what if we move to our second question". The second question on my agenda was "what do we mean when we say our relationship is unusual". T said he can speak for the "we" but for him, it is the depth of connection. He said he thinks part of it is that he identifies with me. (We are oddly similar and think in similar ways). I'm glad he could acknowledge that part, because that part is about his feelings about himself I guess. That suggested he doesn't have a misconception that this is all about me.
I said my follow up question is "why is our relationship like this?" He used what he called a "dangerous analogy" and said that there are unconscious factors which make two people drawn to each other. He likened it to falling in love - you don't necessarily know exactly why those feelings develop. He said he trusts our unconsciouses, and that he feels a strong sense of responsibility towards me - he feels like the responsibility to keep the boundaries lies with him and he said "I want to do a good job for you".
We talked about a conversation we had a while ago about what will happen post termination. We had said we would like to continue to be in touch, but also agreed that's a conversation for the future, not for now.
We talked about going back to face to face next week. What it will be like. The fact the context is changed slightly because we have discussed ET in depth over this past year while online. We talked about his room, how I miss it, and we talked about how I will miss zoom T too.
I will see him f2f next week.

Tough therapy session yesterday. My inability to relax and have fun = among the reasons why I'm still unable to recover from the burnout which fried my brain 2 years ago. Also doesn't help to have CPTSD and the company of depression and anxiety, sure.

Apt comic: Comic on Instagram

Learned my lesson, and also researched what's actually proper staffing, rostering appropriately, decent on-call compensation etc. Might not qualify to work IT in my fiancé's country though.

T pointed out I still drive myself really hard in various ways to do more and more. It's been tough to cut back on my unpaid work but my friend and my T are right: I have limited energy, and I need to spend my energy on what paid work I can do, and on recovering functioning.

I feel ashamed that I have to be taught "relaxation and recreation are important" in therapy, and have a discussion with T on why it's so hard and how I can validate and calm myself so I can then do my "homework" to play a videogame or varied other "enjoyable" tasks.

Where to start... at the beginning I guess.

First session back in his room after 15 months. I took a negative covid test this morning, he is fully vaccinated and I'm half vaccinated.

I walked in and he was just sat there totally normal. It all felt remarkably normal and familiar. He used to have a second chair but he has removed it and replaced it with a bookshelf which I think is better.

I felt okay, I just started talking about stuff I had had to do before i got there I was kinda talky. We talked about being back in the room, he said he thought maybe I was feeling agitated (probably because I was so talky) but I couldn't really connect with any feelings. Then the desire to ask him for a hug hit me. I wanted to say it but it stuck in my throat. He said I looked like I was waiting for him to say something. I said I was going to say something but I couldn't. He thought for a while and said he wondered if it was something to do with hugging. I nodded. He said "would you like to hug?" I nodded again. We stood up and hugged. It felt surreal but good. At the point I would normally let go, I realised I physically couldn't. I tried but I just couldn't. My internal voice was like "let go now, this is weird, you'll make him uncomfortable" but when I tried to release it was like I was stuck. He obviously noticed something was happening and he just said "It's okay, just breathe". That relaxed me, and I felt like it gave me permission just to hold on a bit longer, and after another 30 seconds or so I was able to let go and sit down but I was wiped out emotionally.

He asked what was going on. I told him I couldn't let go, and then I had ended up feeling ashamed that I couldn't let go. He asked (hope I still remember how to do a trigger warning)



but I hadn't and I said no. I told him there was a young part of me that needed to hold on because I feared this would be taken away from me again, then there is a shaming voice telling me it's not okay.
T asked how old the shaming voice is. I said I don't know, it's probably been around ever since I first decided it isn't okay for me to have needs. T asked when that was. I said I don't know, I don't remember ever not wanting to let go of someone like that. T asked who I might imagine clinging to like that. I think he wanted me to say my mother but I can't imagine that so I said "nobody, only you".

We talked more about the fear that I would never get another change to hug him. He asked if I wanted to hug again. I said yes and we did. That hug felt much easier and it was easier to let go of him.

I asked why he thought the first one was so difficult, he said "because it is the first one" then he said "sorry I didn't mean to be flippant. I just mean that all the pain and loss of the last year was wrapped up in that first hug".



He asked what I wanted to do at the end (seen as we usually hug) and I said I would like a third hug if that's okay. He said yes and then we had a conversation about how many times we would have to hug per session and for how long to make up for the last year. He is very mathematically minded so didn't like my not very well thought through 3x for the next 4 months. When I thought more about it, it would have to be 6 months to make up for the year. Then we went down a weird conversation about mathematical and grammatical accuracy, and the book "Eats, Shoots and Leaves". Then it was time to finish and we stood up and hugged one final time, then I left.

Current T doesn’t really criticize me….and rarely tells me, ‘no.’
Oh sure, she’s said ‘no’ when I asked if I could see her more than once a week in the beginning.
She had to say ‘no’ because she just didn’t have the hours.
For normal things like that…she’s said, ‘no.’

Many months ago I sorta half-did this one thing she didn’t approve.
All she had to say to me was,

‘Not cool.’

I never did it again.

She didn’t berate me, humiliate me, nag me, yell at me, question my intelligence, threaten me, blame me, shame me...she didn’t even act angry, mad or disappointed.
Not one feather appeared ruffled.

Just, ‘Not cool.’

I think that’s pretty cool.

Oh holy hell. I haven’t posted an IST in a while, but today was too crazy not to catalogue. The system is that I call when I arrive at the office, then L will come and unlock the door and walk me back to the office. Today right as my phone began to rang he opened the door. As we were walking back to his office, he asked how I was doing. I kind of just laughed wryly.

He does the billing stuff (takes him like 20 seconds), then he sits down. I told him that I’d been struggling. I had a fight with a friend last night, and during me telling L about the fight, I told him something that happened between my husband and I that is highly correlated with what I’ve been working on in therapy the last couple of months. So after I recounted the fight, L takes a beat and says, “what else is going on?” I ended up getting really emotional last night, which is really odd for me, and I had told him that. Yet he didn’t say anything to acknowledge the 3-4 minute story I told him. I took a few deep breaths, paused for maybe about 30 seconds, and said “well I could either answer the question the way you intended or I could answer based on my current experience.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well frankly I’m kind of pissed off at you.”
“Why?”
“Well I just got finished telling you this whole thing and you have nothing to say?”

He then asked me if the flow of our sessions since we began working together. Typically I tell him what’s been going on since I saw him last, he asks a few questions about symptomatology, then we’ll do some EMDR processing. Has that changed at any point? I said no. “Okay so then you know that I’m trying to get a full picture of what’s going on. That’s why I asked the question I did. You mentioned something else really important during what you just recounted.”
“I know, and I was getting to that. I wanted to talk about the setting event first.”

“Okay. But have I ever not validated what you were saying?” And at this point I don’t remember exactly what he said but I got a bit of a feeling of being scolded by a parent. It was a mix of how he asked that question and his tone.

“I literally just told you that I felt invalidated.”

He said that was never his intention, and started to launch into something else. He cut himself off mid sentence and said “okay, and now you’re shutting me out.” I definitely was.

I believe it was at this point that I began to cry. I don’t typically cry in session anymore, though the last month or so there were some sessions where some tears may stream down my face. Today I was sobbing.

He commented that he still wanted to know what else had happened yesterday, because he didn’t understand where all of this was coming from. I told him about what happened with my husband in more detail and talked about how dysregulating it was.

We talked about how my reaction to things at the moment is my right brain trying to protect me from the magnitude and reality of the trauma I’ve been processing in EMDR. For reference what we’re processing is most likely the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I acknowledged that I was definitely in emotional mind, that I’m hijacked at the moment.

“I could tell from the moment you walked through the door. Today is different, daisy. You’re not yourself.” Then he was talking about how it makes sense that I’m upset. The things we’ve been working on are difficult for any person. “And so you’re angry. I get it. And you’re projecting that anger onto me.”

That upset me even more because it felt that it was him not claiming agency for what he did. I very quickly said “okay my dude, we’re not going to go there today.”

We pivoted instead to the event with my husband. This isn’t the first time recently that something like this happened. I said that I think about this trauma at some point every day. He seemed caught off guard by that. I said that perhaps I hadn’t been doing a good job of expressing how difficult things have been recently. I also talked a bit about how I can’t stand silence right now. How every time it’s silent, my mind goes to the trauma. He decided in that moment to use intentional silence, which I appreciated the irony. I wasn’t upset.

trigger warning, sui:


He said that he could see that I was truly struggling and asked if maybe I needed a break. I didn’t know if he meant in that minute or what, so I asked him to clarify. Currently I’m seeing him twice a week, so he said that maybe going to once a week for a while may be beneficial.

“I logically heard you saying that once a week would be for my benefit, but the only thing I heard you say is ‘oh I don’t want to deal with daisy anymore’.” I did make a comment that sitting here talking to him was growth for me. I have stormed out of sessions and terminated with therapists for less grievous incidents.

He jotted something down on his clipboard, which he’d been doing sporadically throughout the session. He normally only takes notes when he’s asking about symptoms. I said how I wondered what he was writing, and how my brain just assumed it was something deprecating toward me. He didn’t comment. I didn’t really want to know what he was writing.

It was toward the end of session, so we called my husband to solidify a safety plan for tonight. L and I decided that it probably wasn’t safe enough for me to drive home in my emotional state, so H got a Lyft to come pick up the car and me. I ended up waiting in the waiting room for my husband to arrive. L had asked my husband to reach out when we got home.

H and I decided to make a couple of quick stops on the way home, so L ended up reaching out to me for an update. I told him I was with H and running errands. This was his reply (errors have been corrected):

“Okay good. Thank you very much for letting me know!

I want you to know that you are an extremely important person. You may not believe that, but you are. This stuff is hard, and you have been working extremely hard. We have breached the dam but we have so much more to go. This will continue to be hard at the moment, but it is going to get better.

Whatever your decision about therapy going forward, I completely respect it and I will help you in any way that I can. I sincerely care about your success and as long as you continue to give it one hundred percent, I am completely committed as well.

I hope you have a good night and are able to rest this weekend.”

I’m just exhausted. I’ve been dissociating off and on all night. Both H and L said it was obvious. I’m just going to be gentle with myself tonight. I’m hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. If anyone chooses to comment or reach out, at this time I’d prefer support rather than an analysis of either my therapist or myself.