Couch 188: Who needs those people, anyway?

When my grandson was born, my daughter and bf (dad) came to live with us. They lived with us for about 18 months. They then moved 6 hours away. Within 3 months of moving, bf had met and started a sexual relationship with someone else, my daughter dumped him, and moved back up here and into the home of my wife's best friend (~10 min drive away). Grandson was reenrolled in daycare that is about 1/2 mile from our house. About 6 months later, they moved into their own house that was about 2 miles away. We saw grandson about every other day. We took time off from work to care for him when he was sick, day care was closed, or when daughter needed a break. He would stay over night with us, increasing as he got older. In short, we were very involved in both their lives. The relationship with my daughter was the best it had ever been. I entered her life when she was 9 and for the longest time she didn't trust me, she wanted me gone, then she started to trust and depend on me. We are not similar people and I didn't think we'd ever really have a close relationship. I was ok with that. During the 2 yrs where she lived near us in her own house, I thought we'd built a very close, trusting, adult relationship, friendship. Then she met a new guy.

After about 5 months dating, they decided to move in together - about 30 min drive away. We were not thrilled about this. Of course there was the distance and losing of grandson. Additionally, there were some red flags with this guy. Overall he wasn't/isn't a bad guy. He does have some beliefs and shortsightedness that are really hard for us. When it came time to move, we knew our daughter gets really stressed about that type of stuff and will burn bridges. We didn't want the bridge burnt between us so we paid for her to have an extra month at her old place. At the end, she started breaking many promises she made with us. A chat/text conversations between her and her mother was escalating. I tried to inform her what her choices were doing and asked her to come meet with us sometime over the week to talk it through. She took it as an ultimatum and said that was enough we don't need to have a relationship. We figured she was pissed and after she calmed down and the move was over, we'd talk it through. I was hurt and shaken badly. I was afraid at that time that we'd not be allowed to see grandson. Over the next 6 months, we were able to see grandson some; however, daughter held fast to the, "we don't need to have a relationship" mentality. We were really confused by it all and worried because we didn't really know this new boyfriend; didn't know where all this was coming from. We tried to stay open. I was hurting. Then we told her no to something she was expecting from us. At which point she told us that she didn't want her son around people that would hold a grudge. We didn't tell her no because of a grudge. To be honest, we'd been waiting for her to contact us to let us know if she still wanted it. She had not and time was up to make decisions. We'd just offered it wife's best friend and was paid for it.

We'd been supposed to pick grandson up from school that Friday. Again, we were not sure to what extent she meant and was not sure what was going on. On Thursday when we still had not heard back from her about having the grandson, we messaged saying that we'd need him to have some specific article of clothing (swimsuit or something like that). We got no response. When we went to pick up the grandson from daycare, he was not there. The bf had picked him up an hour earlier and we'd been removed from the approved list of people to pick him up or even to be on the property.

At this point, we were hurting. I was devastated. We were worried about our grandson and the affects of losing us. We didn't want him to grow up thinking he'd done something or that we didn't love him. We knew the immediate loss like this could be devastating to a young child. He was 4 at the time. He'd already lost his dad in a way like this.

We reached out for legal advice and found that we could pursue something. Over about a month of back and forth with daughter, got us back to being able to see grandson. Every time we interacted, I worried that we'd say something and lose grandson again. We started family counseling. I started seeing T as I was no longer sleeping, crying all day long, and had reached active suicidal levels. After about 6 sessions with family counselor (and daughter's therapist was also there), we were told in by the family counselor and daughter's T (daughter was running late) that daughter was not ready to hear our side of things, to hear how her actions damaged our relationship. Or anything like that.

We decided to end pursuing anything with daughter or grandson. We decided that we'd be here if she wanted us in her or grandson's life; however, we were not going to be proactive in anything there. We ended the family counseling as it was damaging for me. And I turned to my T and my therapy. I needed stabilization, badly. It took 3-4 months of weekly sessions before I'd say that I reached a level of stabilization that some of those reasons why we don't go through with suicide finally surfaced again.

Now, years later --- things were never readdressed with daughter. She ended her therapy shortly after we ended the family therapy. She has moved on with her life and likes to try to interact with us as if there were no issues. They were never talked about. At the same time, she has not acknowledged us on mother's day/father's day or either of our birthdays since that initial break. My mother thinks we need go along with the pretend and always has. She did not think what my daughter did was good. She probably also doesn't think what we did was good either but I don't know. She has only told me that she understands how what my daughter did damaged our relationship and that she thinks I need to ignore my pain there. Nothing new from her.

We are able to have grandson pretty much whenever we ask for him. They live even further away so we get him about 1 overnight a month. He's also turning 8, so his life is getting full as he creates his own life. And while it is sad not to see him more, it is understandable. This is childhood development. Natural and expected. In ways, it is nice to see him grow into himself and have his own interests and ways of interacting in the world. At times, I miss him wanting to be held by me, being the one he'd crawl into for those moments of quiet comfort and physical understanding - closeness. He has been and is one bright light. He is an awesome kid. As proof of his awesomeness ... his response to a Christmas present when he was 5 in full excitement... "what I never knew I always wanted". Yes, I'm bias. I'm the grandparent.

About the only really really great thing that came out of this series of events.... we got to become grandparents rather than staying co-parents. We get to completely spoil him in the ways we want to spoil him when he is with us.