[weaverbeaver]

My t had asked me to come to her house and help her with something. I feel kinda weird doing it but would feel guilty if I didn’t. I am worried it will change things between us.

Seems like an opportunity to do something nice for someone, which is never a bad thing. If you're only doing it because you'd feel guilty for not doing it, then you shouldn't. If you think it will change things in a bad way, you shouldn't do it.

Seems inappropriate to me. You have a professional relationship. Not friends. Unless it has something to do with your therapy. Have had that with a therapist. It was group of her clients getting together to work on an issue at her home. Never had a therapist otherwise invite me to their home. Kept a separation between professional & personal life.

[stopdog]

This sort of thing never ends well for you. I think it has happened several times (but I honestly can't keep the therapists straight so I am not clear if this is the one who has had this sort of relationship with you before or if it was some other one)

[weaverbeaver]

She said she thought about it for ages before asking. Our boundaries are kinda blurry as is anyway.
I feel it will change things because I will get confused about our roles and will probably see her more like a friend. I have been to her house before in different rooms but this will be very different and we will be sitting side by side for about an hour too!

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by stopdog

This sort of thing never ends well for you. I think it has happened several times (but I honestly can't keep the therapists straight so I am not clear if this is the one who has had this sort of relationship with you before or if it was some other one)

You are right, it doesn’t end well and that’s why I am weary. Our relationship is a lot stronger now but I feel that this will change it again and I worry about a rupture between us.
Part of my process is a difficulty saying no and especially to t.

[lesliethemad]

My ex-T used to ask for help on things a lot. It started with small questions in my line of work- then expanded out from there. I left in part because of the dual relationship. I never considered what a terrible position he put me in. In stead of looking out for my interests, he put me in a position of having to put up boundaries and losing trust. Being a trauma victim who also just lost my father who died pretty gruesomely, I went to therapy for PTSD and attachment issues. Therapy should have been a protected space.

And it did all end badly. After finally refusing to help him with a project of his (after doing a lot a lot a lot for many months), he decided to write me many many pages telling me "what's wrong with me" in terrible condescending language.

A good ethical therapist will not put you in a position where you even have to say no. She should ask friends or hire a professional. You should not, outside of therapy, be thinking of doing work for your therapist.

[Echos Myron redux]

You are in the UK right? If so this is a good time to speak confidentially with ask Kathleen. They will give you information and guidance to help you. Please don't just go and enter this dual relationship without confidentially (and anonymously) talking to them about what is happening. Here's the link

What to do if you have concerns about your therapy

[LonesomeTonight]

This seems like a bad idea to me as well, as it would be a dual relationship. And are you doing this for her for free? Couldn't she get someone who is not a client to help her? The fact that you'll be sitting with her in her house (I assume you don't meet with her there) seems like it could affect the therapeutic relationship and make the boundaries more blurry. If you say no, she shouldn't (in theory) hold it against you. If she thought a long time about asking you, that suggests she also has doubts about whether it's a good idea.

[Anne2.0]

Please contact the resource echos mentioned and discuss it with someone without a stake in the outcome. Personally, the request and the past incidents make me uncomfortable and I worry your T is trying to take advantage of you in some way. And if saying "no" is a problem for you (I know something about how hard that can be), perhaps this is a good time to develop that muscle.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

She said she thought about it for ages before asking. Our boundaries are kinda blurry as is anyway.
I feel it will change things because I will get confused about our roles and will probably see her more like a friend. I have been to her house before in different rooms but this will be very different and we will be sitting side by side for about an hour too!

Especially in this case you should not do it. It sounds like it could make things mothe complicated.

T and I did a lot of things that would be highly frowned upon, however we were always able to keep therapy and outside of therapy totally separate. We never discussed therapy when we were outside of of the therapy relationship. I sure therapy we never discussed things that happened outside. There once was something outside of therapy that I was concerned would complicate things and we discussed it more in depth in an email but never in the theraput room.

[here today]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

. . .
Part of my process is a difficulty saying no and especially to t.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to practice saying no, then? And see what happens? If the relationship is strong otherwise . . .

I don't usually have problems saying no to people so probably don't understand the feelings well, but this can be an example how I manage when someone wants to go over professional boundaries and I don't: "I prefer our relationship to remain focused on the work that we do and I appreciate your understanding". No more explanation or justification. It does not contain explicit rejection but gets the message across.

[SlumberKitty]

I wouldn't do it. It sounds like you have concerns about doing it and I think those concerns are justified. You said T thought a lot about it before asking, but that also suggests that maybe there are concerns about it. It seems like it would make the relationship too messy. Hugs Kit

I help my therapist with different projects she has that are things I love to do and enjoy helping her with. Sometimes I do not have time for days or weeks to help her because my life is too busy and she has no problem with that.

[Ididitmyway]

NO. The answer to this is unequivocal NO.

This is a clear breach of professional boundary. In the US it is on the list of things therapists are prohibited to do.

I would quit working with a therapist who has made this request. I might also consider reporting them to the board or, if you are outside the US, to whatever entity oversees them. I am not saying you should do that, but it'd be within your rights to do that.

[Firewoodguy]

This should be a hard boundary for your T. The exception I think would be if you live in an extremely rural area where you are the only one who can help. I'd be really confused and unsure how to react if any of my T's asked for a personal favor.

[weaverbeaver]

T is really stuck, she did ring a professional but they couldn’t help her.
This won’t be a once off favour, it will be a weekly thing, we will be spending a lot of time very closely together.
This won’t be a problem for t but it will be for me. I already have very strong feelings and emotions for t. I have to really manage those very well. I get so confused with my feelings sometimes. T recently said she finds me very attractive and really likes me. Of course to somebody else that would be a lovely compliment but to me it means “oh, t LIKES me” in a completely different way.
I am going to try that ask Kathleen thing tomorrow, thanks echoes and everyone who took the time to respond so far.

[Salmon77]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

T is really stuck, she did ring a professional but they couldn’t help her.
This won’t be a once off favour, it will be a weekly thing, we will be spending a lot of time very closely together.
This won’t be a problem for t but it will be for me. I already have very strong feelings and emotions for t. I have to really manage those very well. I get so confused with my feelings sometimes. T recently said she finds me very attractive and really likes me. Of course to somebody else that would be a lovely compliment but to me it means “oh, t LIKES me” in a completely different way.
I am going to try that ask Kathleen thing tomorrow, thanks echoes and everyone who took the time to respond so far.

This really sounds like a bad situation, and it is not okay for a T to tell a client she LIKES them in that way or to put you in this position. I'm glad you're calling the Kathleen line.

[unaluna]

What kind of work is this? Like a psychotherapy internship organizing records, or helping her organize her personal photographs?

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

T is really stuck, she did ring a professional but they couldn’t help her.
This won’t be a once off favour, it will be a weekly thing, we will be spending a lot of time very closely together.
This won’t be a problem for t but it will be for me. I already have very strong feelings and emotions for t. I have to really manage those very well. I get so confused with my feelings sometimes. T recently said she finds me very attractive and really likes me.

This makes her request extremely unethical, not just unprofessional. Please, be wise and take care of yourself. This is not someone who should be practicing therapy.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by unaluna

What kind of work is this? Like a psychotherapy internship organizing records, or helping her organize her personal photographs?

I would rather not say but it’s nothing to do with therapy.

[elisewin]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

I would rather not say but it’s nothing to do with therapy.

The she definitely needs to find someone else! If you are the only person she knows and can ask, she is more in need of therapy than you! Your feelings and hesitation about the situation is your answer whether you should say yes or not.

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

T is really stuck, she did ring a professional but they couldn’t help her.
This won’t be a once off favour, it will be a weekly thing, we will be spending a lot of time very closely together.
This won’t be a problem for t but it will be for me. I already have very strong feelings and emotions for t. I have to really manage those very well. I get so confused with my feelings sometimes. T recently said she finds me very attractive and really likes me. Of course to somebody else that would be a lovely compliment but to me it means “oh, t LIKES me” in a completely different way.
I am going to try that ask Kathleen thing tomorrow, thanks echoes and everyone who took the time to respond so far.

You've answered your own question. Whether it is ethical or not is irrelevant for you cause it will adversely affect you and your therapy. The dodgy nature of the request is just extra reasons to say no. And maybe look for a different t. She's put her own needs first here.

[piggy momma]

I can only echo what the others have said, and what you know to be true in your heart of hearts.

Boundaries exist for a reason in therapy. They are not there to protect the therapist. They are there to protect the client. As a client you are already vulnerable. There is no way you can be her "employee".

This just screams of so many boundary violations.

I hope you can look after you and find the courage and strength to say no. And then find a new therapist.