[MoxieDoxie]

....how you feel about them? Whether it be you love them in some way or you feel to needy, reliant or attached to them?

I want to email him this but not sure the reason why I feel I need him to know. I am concerned it might change things. I will feel awkward and it might make him feel awkward.

My child parts love you. They fantasies about you being their father or being adopted by you. They fantasies about you taking care of them. Tucking them into bed, reading them a story, making them breakfast, and punishing them in the correct manner if need be.

My teenager parts love you: They fantasies about you teaching them to drive, having heart to heart talks with them when they act out or misbehave or when they are confused about their place in this world.

My adult self loves you: She fantasies about being equal with you. Going out to social events with your wife, coming to your kids parties. This parts does not feel any type of yearning. Just a simple friendship. Realizing you are good people.

My senior self loves you: I fantasies about taking care of you when you are sick, cooking you dinner, doing your laundry.

When all my parts love you this is how I know you have treated the "whole person" in therapy. Not just one part. You see it, you get it and when you do not you research and ask peers to help you help me./

What do I want out of telling him this? How would this help my therapy or any healing process? I am grappling with this.

[wheeler]

For me, just talking about it is a release. I don’t have to spend so much energy holding it all in. It also makes me feel closer, in a ‘real’ way.

[DP_2017]

Nothing honestly

You can't really get rid of the feelings either way, telling them doesn't make them vanish

However there is always a risk with the T. Not every therapist is comfortable with that, based on many posts here... some change boundaries, some become distant, some terminate, some do nothing. Just depends.

[downandlonely]

I don't know if telling a therapist you love them is a good idea. But it probably depends on the therapist.

[piggy momma]

I told my last T and we talked about it. It didn’t change anything in a negative way. I don’t have these feelings toward my current T and if I did I wouldn’t be comfortable telling him. Not at this point

I think it's good stuff to discuss in therapy, but your T doesn't seem like the type. I think if you have an appropriate therapist it can help, but that it should be a long-term therapy of the psychodynamic type.

This is normal stuff to talk about in my therapy but this type of stuff-what looks like transference to me- no longer comes up anymore.

[here today]

I don't know that it's the telling per se -- it's the owning of those feelings yourself that is probably the important thing. But it needs to happen in a relationship first? That the T can accept you and those feelings? Talking about them in person, then, may help but I'm not sure that email will -- except if that's the best way you can broach the topic, if those feelings are too difficult to discuss in person?

What happened to those parts when you loved others in your life at an earlier age? What you wrote about the adult self in particular stikes a chord in me, too, like something I was missing and never got and was important for being a full, healthy, participating adult.

Given that he has focused so much on you being an adult, seems like that could be a particularly interesting one to discuss with him? And to have him accept you, and that feeling? If he can -- or, if he can't, accept that about him and move on?

[Rive1976]

I would never tell a T I loved them. That would just make therapy weird. Plus I dont think I have ever loved a T.

Originally Posted by here today

I don't know that it's the telling per se -- it's the owning of those feelings yourself that is probably the important thing. But it needs to happen in a relationship first? That the T can accept you and those feelings? Talking about them in person, then, may help but I'm not sure that email will -- except if that's the best way you can broach the topic, if those feelings are too difficult to discuss in person?

What happened to those parts when you loved others in your life at an earlier age? What you wrote about the adult self in particular stikes a chord in me, too, like something I was missing and never got and was important for being a full, healthy, participating adult.

Given that he has focused so much on you being an adult, seems like that could be a particularly interesting one to discuss with him? And to have him accept you, and that feeling? If he can -- or, if he can't, accept that about him and move on?

I think here today is on to something here.

If you never got these needs met, it's hard to do the adult stuff. The conflict will manifest itself in discordance and cause more anxiety and wear you down. It's almost like lying to yourself all the time-trying to repress these needs; feeling one thing but doing another. That is exhausting to keep up, and anxiety is actually a signal that the discordance is there and needs an outlet or strategy to deal with.

I don't mean that's it's for your T to meet these needs, but maybe to give them the attention they deserve; if not just the validation and acceptance of your expression of them.

It also reminds me of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, where if you don't feel safe, it's difficult to self actualize. I think this concept-while older and simplistic-still holds true.

[Echos Myron redux]

For me it's experiencing acceptance. That my feelings are okay and don't scare him. Knowing that I'm not too much. It's been very reparative for me.

[Lrad123]

I’ve been able to share a little bit of how I feel about my T. So far, nothing seems to surprise him, but it sure can make me uncomfortable. The fact that he normalizes how I feel probably makes it easier to share more.

[starfishing]

Some of this is very individual, some is modality dependent. In my case it's been helpful to talk about my feelings about my therapist and our relationship because a) it helps my therapist make sense of my reactions to the things he says, and b) the way I relate and react to my therapist gives useful insight into some patterns in how I relate to people in the rest of my life. But that's also a big part of how my therapist works, and he's encouraged me to talk about how I feel about therapy and about him. I don't know how it would or wouldn't be helpful with a therapist who works differently.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by starfishing

Some of this is very individual, some is modality dependent. In my case it's been helpful to talk about my feelings about my therapist and our relationship because a) it helps my therapist make sense of my reactions to the things he says, and b) the way I relate and react to my therapist gives useful insight into some patterns in how I relate to people in the rest of my life. But that's also a big part of how my therapist works, and he's encouraged me to talk about how I feel about therapy and about him. I don't know how it would or wouldn't be helpful with a therapist who works differently.

This is basically how it works for me too. Additionally, I have found that specific feelings or fantasies that come up are useful in therapy because they point a gigantic arrow at places where I didn't get what I needed in my emotional development. I didn't exactly understand that part of my history until these feelings started surfacing in therapy. Before that, I thought that I was a bad child and my parents had done the best they could. So understanding those feelings toward my therapist was key to opening up a bunch of things in my life that I needed to talk about, understand, and grieve.

Their response. How they receive it.
It then changes how we feel about ourselves.
I'd suggest doing this f2f. Results are better.

[susannahsays]

I would not do this and I am as baffled as you are about the purpose of doing so. Some people do seem to find it helpful and an important part of their therapy, so I can't claim that it shouldn't be done. However, I have also heard of people disclosing such feelings to their therapists and it not going well. From what you've said in the past about this therapist, I would be very cautious about telling him this sort of thing. I'm concerned that his response would be hurtful and feel like rejection.

[satsuma]

Moxie, I find the bolded part beautifully written and it is really moving for me to read. I feel that way about my T as well, I think. Although it's been a very painful thing sometimes, at the moment for me it is a soothing and a positive kind of feeling, and one which has transferred across to the rest of my life in terms of feeling stable and trusting people generally.

As to whether to share it, of course you know best about your T and your relationship with T. In general I think that there isn't a right or wrong as to whether it should be shared. I think that in a strong therapeutic relationship where there is a closeness of this kind, both (T and client) are aware of it, regardless of whether you verbalise it in this way. It would be fine to say I think and it might help build confidence in being able to open up about anything at all in the therapy room. On the other hand I don't think we should ever feel obliged to share everything all the time, and it's fine to keep some things to ourselves if that is what we prefer.

[MoxieDoxie]

To share or not to share that is the question. What would be the purpose to share this with him. How can it help me to share it with him? I understand why I feel all those things. It is because of what I did not get at critical stages of childhood. I do not even understand what I think will happen by telling him. I could actually be worse off, deeply wounded, if he does not respond well.

Just like with anyone else for me. It's a good feeling to share and sense the company when it is positive and a step toward resolving dissatisfaction/conflict when it is negative. I never felt it to be different/special with Ts more than other people in my life and it was usually much less productive with Ts as they would not respond and discuss their side openly and honestly.

[giggles6211]

I think you can only decide what to share.

I am never a proponent of having such crucial conversations through email thought. There's so much room for misinterpretation. Also, I can't imagine the anxiety that I would feel waiting for a response, and I don't think any response would ever be good enough. Then, I would feel so much embarrassment and/or anxiousness at the next session having to look at him for the first time not really knowing his reaction.


If it's important enough to bring up, it's important enough to have a dialogue and not an email monologue.

[RaineD]

Well, as they say, everything is grist for the mill.

I told my T I loved him, and it was deeply healing for me (because he responded well). It's a risk, for sure, but hopefully you know your T well enough to know if you can trust him with something so vulnerable.

Telling him also brought us closer. Because for so long I held that secret. Finally disclosing it, trusting him with the secret, it closed a gap between us.

I don't know, it's hard to explain, but for me it was worth it.

[LabRat27]

It helped me with the shame and guilt. It felt like a dirty secret. Telling him and having him be non-judgemental and understanding helped. He wasn't disgusted with me like I'd feared.

It also helps him understand what I need from him and how much his words and actions matter. Sometimes I'm angry at him or hurt over things in a way that is objectively an overreaction, or at least a reaction to a distorted interpretation. It would be hard for us to discuss and for him to understand these things if he didn't understand the attachment.

And it allows us to discuss my behavior that is a response to the attachment. My first reaction to a lot of things related to the attachment or being upset over my interpretation of something is to want to SH, and in the past I frequently have. It's better for me if I'm able to discuss it with him and he gets the chance to clarify or tell me that the horrible conclusions I'm telling myself aren't true.

[MoxieDoxie]

I am almost 20 years older than him. I can not go into session and tell him I love him and am attached to him. I did tell him I cut down our sessions because I felt I was to reliant on him and I am supposed to be self sufficient and deal with all my crap on my own without using him as support. He asked me why I was trying to take his job away. He said research shows humans can not survive without support. That is what his job is about and I could cut sessions down and just call when I felt I needed more for that week. It was up to me. Ughh....if it was up to me I would come everyday.

[here today]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I am almost 20 years older than him. I can not go into session and tell him I love him and am attached to him. I did tell him I cut down our sessions because I felt I was to reliant on him and I am supposed to be self sufficient and deal with all my crap on my own without using him as support. He asked me why I was trying to take his job away. He said research shows humans can not survive without support. That is what his job is about and I could cut sessions down and just call when I felt I needed more for that week. It was up to me. Ughh....if it was up to me I would come everyday.

Seems to me like your OP was about your needs, not him. Feeling love, and reliance. . .yes, he's probably not going to be able to meet them all but something about him, or the relationship, seems to help those feelings come up? So you can deal with them? As an "adult"?

That's in your signature line, so I know you know it cognitively/adultly, too.

[Rive1976]

I think you did the right thing.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by here today

Seems to me like your OP was about your needs, not him. Feeling love, and reliance. . .yes, he's probably not going to be able to meet them all but something about him, or the relationship, seems to help those feelings come up? So you can deal with them? As an "adult"?

That's in your signature line, so I know you know it cognitively/adultly, too.

Well, dah, of course this is all about MY needs.