[saltgirl]

I can't really believe what is going on but here goes. I had a therapist for a long time. I have serious PTSD and in a long term relationship that has been more abusive than I was really able to face until I left. That therapist told me to call 911 and he would back me up, but I got arrested and accused instead, now still awaiting trial. I found out in the course of asking for some files to coordinate my timeline of events that my therapist had thought I was making it all up. I was so upset that I called someone who filled in for help. I was given the name of someone outside that circle and told that for now during this hard experience seeing someone else would help and then I could figure out whatever was going on with the therapist. But that therapist texted goodbye as soon as I said I had found someone to see during the trial. I get no referrals no nothing, not even an explanation or my whole file.


Fast forward. I see a new person and then find a female therapist of similar kinds of ways of working who sees right through this and is helpful. I start feeling stronger and like I can work through both controlling men, but then I run out of funding and guess what she does?

Texts a termination without referrals....one week before the trial when I'm alone and penniless....

[Out There]

I'm so sorry this has happened Saltgirl. Posting here shows your resilience to this that you're tapping into which is positive. If we look at the concept of " stillness " to stop and look around us to see what resources we have to support us when something happens , it may not be therapists at the moment , but there are always people here to listen and understand and have experienced similar things. So please stay with us and keep posting.

[Omers]

That all seems so unethical to me. But then I too have run into my fair share of unethical therapists. I honestly don’t even know what to say, which from me... well, not too many people have heard that one! My experience with local clinics has been awful but you could try there. Or, some churches have therapists or their pastors do therapy if the religion part doesn’t bother you. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[saltgirl]

Thanks. I'm almost speechless too. And no one around me can believe any of this either so even people who say "reach out" "there's always help and hope" then when you dare to and tell the truth you just get dumped. It's too dangerous to reach out if people are going to do that to an abused woman who has been accused and even her therapists can't deal and are violating not just ethics and law but the entirety of belief in a decent humane world, the exact issues in therapy for someone abused. The second therapist actually said the first one was abusive toward me, something that shocked me. She was trying to help me not blame myself for 10 years of crazy boundary violations with a therapist in her own field that she knows. But she did the exact same thing. Why?

[Out There]

It's very difficult to believe some people are actually decent in this world when these things happen , and I've just had something similar happen , and yes it sucks. Would it help to see that the distortion is in other people and not yourself , that this does not reflect on you ? I'm working on it , and it's easier said than done I know.

[saltgirl]

Why do people do this stuff? Someone I knew from before heard something and posted on Facebook that she was concerned and there was always help and love and she would always be there but I needed to reach out. What happens?


The same thing. I take that risk, tell a watered down version of the story and get dumped again.

I am so tired of this treatment. If you offer help and ask someone to reach out and confide but as soon as they do you are too scared so run away abandoning them that is just horrible. Why bother with this sort thing?


I would like to know what is wrong with people that they just can't be decent and real.

[Taylor27]

Hugs, i have no advice just want to let you know i read your post and feel your t is in the wrong to terminate you by text, it unethical. hugs

Saltgirl-I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time and people disappear when you need them the most. It doesn't make sense when society messages say one thing then reality reveals something different. I see this on here when clients are ditched when they become suicidal. It's a cruel practice that is somehow deemed acceptable by the profession.

I think mental health workers are perhaps afraid of their own vulnerablities or run away from their own guilt; basically overcome by their own weaknessness. There are stronger people out there. I hope your next interaction is with one of them.

[Rive1976]

Wow I would think they would give you one last session for free to say goodbye, not text.

[saltgirl]

Thanks, this is an eye-opener for sure and finally the exact issues I was deeply working on such as the tendency to allow such things to happen and take on all the blame and keep it a secret drenched in shame, well, somehow without their help in fact because they are so bad at help, I have taken a step out of that typical way of seeing common in abuse.


In other words, I got so frustrated that I was forced to realize it's not me, it's them. And then not try to figure out why which would drive me nuts, but to push the whole completely horrible crazy-making behavior away.

The second therapist did something that is terrible in addition. I told her that I was dealing with someone who had a sketchy money handler and has dementia so that funds were not okay, that this was hard to sort out, and also very shame inducing for me just as an issue. That I really had just enough to get by the holiday season alone with food and shelter.


She seemed totally understanding and said she'd hold the bill for now and wait till at least the first of the month or even longer so that I could figure what was going on and pay her then.

But what did she really do?

She cashed all the checks, even going back months, the day after, leaving me overdrawn nearly 1000$ and with only 3$!


I call saying I have no idea what to do, she is on her way out and my partner or his money person spent that much in a day? She then says not a word about the checks and tells me how bad my partner is, that I needed to do a 12 step type thing and not have any contact for a month. But how do I get funding, I asked? she said she had to go.

I didn't find out what happened until I opened my bank statement and saw that she did this and never told me. In some ways this is almost worse than the first therapist. She actively endangered me and lied while pretending to be saving me from the abusers. Gross!

[sub-dural]

This is so effing effed.

Did you get anything in writing regarding the fact that she was going to hold back on billing until you were more financially secure?

They took so much advantage of you. It's like, if you were anyone else - say a man who has rage issues - their lives would be endanger over this. They continued the cycle of abuse. Are they part of a practice or anything? I would be in touch with the practice or the ethics board and file some formal complaints.

[susannahsays]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, saltgirl. Is the second therapist part of a practice? I'm wondering because if the checks showed up the following day, that most likely means they were submitted to the bank the previous day - the day you talked to her. If someone else handles the financials for her, they may have cashed the checks before she had a chance to let them know to hold them.

[saltgirl]

Continued the cycle of abuse is right. And the second one was more aware at least openly of this problem with the first because she too had had a similar experience. I am wondering if she sorta continued the cycle of her own abuse?

They are both private practice. The woman doesn't have someone in charge of her billing; in fact, I looked her up in the course of preparing for my trial and she has had to file for bankruptcy so she has money issues of her own.


One of the main issues was financial from the beginning so she was aware the entire time that being disabled and having someone much older who has dementia and a fraudulent money handler was a serious problem. In fact, she seemed perfect because she understood the issues from her own life of taking care of her mother.

It's unclear the timing or if she was "just forgetful" but she had advance notice early in the month that there are very serious potential "end up on the streets under a bridge" and "sell your body" issues. That was discussed openly because the first therapist said that thinking it was a clever joke...gross. He actually told me to live in a tent or that prison would at least keep me fed and sheltered. So it was part of the abusive treatment of the first discussed openly with the second.

None of this is funny or okay. I really don't get how they think they can do such things. That is just impossible to begin to understand how someone who goes into helping vulnerable people actually endangers them and hurts them emotionally at a very critical moment when there is no energy left over to deal with anything more and then walk away as if nothing happened?

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by saltgirl

It's unclear the timing or if she was "just forgetful" but she had advance notice early in the month that there are very serious potential "end up on the streets under a bridge" and "sell your body" issues. That was discussed openly because the first therapist said that thinking it was a clever joke...gross. He actually told me to live in a tent or that prison would at least keep me fed and sheltered. So it was part of the abusive treatment of the first discussed openly with the second.

Wtf. Wtf wtf wtf.

Also, beyond these... people, I'm very concerned for you. What are you going to do now that you basically have nothing? Do you have Medicaid? If you do, there might be community mental health services that you could turn to. They would also be able to help you get access to community resources for people who need temporary help paying a rent or utility bill and stuff like that. If you don't have any insurance, there are usually other resources available, but it's different depending on your state.

Ok, I just saw you're in California. I don't really understand the whole Medi-cal thing, but from a cursory browse, it looks similar to what I was talking about. In my state, you would qualify for some sort of services based on the fact that you are at risk for homelessness, have involvement with the legal system, and a psychiatric diagnosis. If you don't already have Medi-cal, maybe it would be worth applying. Here's a link to see if you qualify.

[saltgirl]

Thank you I can feel the empathy and it really helps. I am very concerned too. I don't really know what is going to happen and I'm so exhausted and depleted by all the stress I can barely do much on top of everything.


I have Medicare not from age but disability. I have a tiny amount of funds and basic medical care but it doesn't seem to help with much else. I have not yet filed for a divorce so am entitled to some support which currently pays for housing but nothing else, and is not really reliable with the dementia and money person problems. I am seeing if there is a way around this but I can't figure that out without an attorney.


I was denied an attorney in my own current case so that has taken up a huge amount of my energy. Finally someone offered when I could barely speak to the judge two days after surgery from the injuries caused by the force of the arrest.


Since I'm listed as the perpetrator, I have been turned away from domestic violence places more or less. One is trying but it doesn't have much to offer. This has happened before so I'm not surprised anymore. The whole system is broken.

I would qualify for some things but the legal system would have to admit they arrested the victim and they won't. If they did, I could get domestic violence counseling and relocation funds. Again I would need to figure out a way to get that to happen and I have no idea. It seems to be something no one can answer.

I wish I could work, even though I'm exhausted, because with some funds I'd be safer, could save, and move away to places to start over, but I can't so I'm truly trapped. I am crossing my fingers that something happens to change this, but right now I don't think so.

[sarahsweets]

I cant believe this! It doesnt make sense. Do you have a lawyer to represent you? When all this stuff is taken care of and calms down I would seriously look into reporting one or both of these T's because that was so unethical.

[saltgirl]

It doesn't make sense because it doesn't make sense. Yes, so no one believes me so when I reach out even here no one knows what to say. It's clear that it is so outrageous that people probably think I'm making it up, getting it wrong, or am delusional. I am thus trapped even in simple attempts to get basic reassurance.

It is a totally screwed up situation and no one wants to hear let alone help.


An attorney took the case pro bono, finally got public defender status just a few weeks ago when the arrest happened in May. His father was a cop and has PTSD so he is quite understanding and informed about police procedures. He is clear that these police have a bias and have been doing this for a long time mostly because of the first therapist and my partner's status in the community. He is clear that there really shouldn't be a case at all and it is a terrible waste of tax dollars and distress to two vulnerable disabled people that no one seems to care about killing. He is clear that I will win. But he can't do anything else.

[saltgirl]

So it happened again in a mild form but in a way that helps me understand something, I think.

Someone online reached out saying that I should reach out. The person didn't know me really but had the background in psychology and meditation so I gave it a shot, but started carefully, saying I really don't think you can help and meditation can't and I'm not sure psychology can either. The person insisted. I told the story in a brief form as I have done here. What happened?

The person backed away saying that I must not be experiencing reality correctly.

Why? Because bad things don't happen or if they do it is the person's mistaken thoughts or beliefs.

That is called the "just world" belief. That the world is actually just and safe so if something bad happens it must be the person's fault or not true or a little bit of both. That is why people blame the victim and why victim's blame themselves.


Blaming the victim comes from a deep fear of vulnerability and also some sense of entitlement. That just couldn't happen to me because


Or the victim blames herself because then it won't happen to her again.

The just world excuse is there underneath even well meaning people who have doubts when confronted with too much reality.



There are psych studies that show that well meaning ethical people tend to blame a person who is bullied.


It's just too scary to admit they could be that person. And even scarier to let in the idea that the world is gratuitous. That you can work hard, be innocent, do all the right things, and still be subjected to things that are terrible and unjust.

People can't function if they allow that in. The whole system of society tells us that if you do all the right things and work hard you get rewarded not punished.

In many other circles this is called ideology, a belief system that is invisible and delusional but widely shared by in cultures so that people behave in certain ways and reject things outside the basic story told by the ideology.

Unfortunately there is nothing I can do to tell my truth under those circumstances. I can try. I can say "I know why the caged bird sings" but my silence is preferred.

[unaluna]

Well, im glad you have a lawyer now. The fact that you were left with 3 dollars in your checking account works in your favor, i think - it proves you werent writing bad checks! And the police dont always get it right as to who is just defending herself in a DV case. So hopefully you will prevail in court.

As for the ts, theyre not like potato chips, you can only have one. If they know there is another, they are ethically bound to step back. So you might want to run stuff like this past us, there is a lot of knowledge and experience (and opinions!) on board.

Eta - looks like we cross posted!

[saltgirl]

I wish I felt reassured but I feel worse. I now see that my story is not believable to many maybe most so if I try to tell the truth which is already hard I risk being treated even worse.

This is totally terrifying. I don't think I have ever been so scared.

[susannahsays]

I understand where you're coming from with feeling like maybe people here don't believe you. However, there are unfortunately many, many people here who have been harmed either by a therapist or multiple therapists or whose experience has been so uniformly negative that they view therapy as an institution as harmful. I am not one of them (so far), but I recognize that being a therapist does not make a person some sort of saint who is incapable of doing immense harm, either intentionally or unintentionally.

I think it's sometimes just hard for people to understand how others can do the things they do. I know I find it hard to grasp how people have hurt me the way that they have - and I know for a fact that the things happened, so my difficulty isn't about not believing that what happened, happened, but about not being able to understand how people can do such harmful things to other people. I don't think Sarah literally meant she didn't believe you with her comment, though I understand that your experience has put you in a mindset where it's easy to take it that way. "I don't believe this!" is often used as an expression of shock and surprise, and it seems like that's what she was expressing, since she also points out that your therapists' behavior was unethical.

I hear you about the just world fallacy. I find it's best for me to not dwell on it because there's nothing I can do about it.

[saltgirl]

Thanks, I didn't think that comment was not being believed but the shock you refer to, exactly. What I was sensing more was just a feeling of silent non-belief elsewhere that wasn't being expressed, not here, though it has been quite directed elsewhere.

Some people say reach out and then when they hear part of the story that reached their limit they then stop believing and blame me, say I'm delusional, or just go silent. This is my experience overall most of my life and especially during this when I am much more clear-headed yet that means I see what happened for real and when I express it I find out that it's too much and rather risky for me to do.

I have no choice but to take on the just world problem since it what blames victims.


If I go silent I will simply not survive. If I speak out too much I also will not survive. I have to find a balance somewhere until I have more support and people who back me up and credibility restored. This is not easy to do in the most ideal circumstances, but I have to.

[scorpiosis37]

I believe you and can relate to the experience of having people think “no way that much has happened to one person! She must be exaggerating!” My family calls it “Scorpio problems.” I’ve had more than one abusive T (in different ways than yours). Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

I’ve also had people say “reach out” and then, when you try, they drop the ball. It really, really sucks. I’m now at the point where I don’t think therapy is helpful for a lot of people. I know it is right for some, but it’s not right for everyone. It often does more harm than good. I don’t know what to suggest, but I just want to say I believe you and empathize.

[saltgirl]

Thanks, I understand and have a sense that you feel this deeply yet won't and don't need to say how much. I get that sense, which helps.


The reason it helps is not even simply personal. I'm in a situation that again could be seen badly, pathologically, but the situation is more than just a "me" situation, even more than a simple "me too" situation.


The people involved here are relatively highly placed and well-regarded. To open this up would have an impact way beyond my own personal circumstances, which as an activist, feminist, and once considering the field of therapy and the other fields that my partner is in, those would all go into what the one friend I do have now says puts me in the unique position of advocacy.


I have tried to focus on survival and still have to, but this man is a seasoned therapist and lawyer who also has lots of social justice issues and callings. I get he sees in me and my situation something that he wishes he could do but can't. That is is the place for a disabled and abused female to speak out. I get too that he might be pushing an agenda, possibly one I am not ready for now or ever.

Still that voice of speaking out against injustice beyond my own personal life strikes me as meaningful and potentially helpful to others plus empowering to me.


My partner is too old and progressed in dementia to actually be helped I think though I can try. He strangled me so treatment would at least allow me to be near him when he died.

Very sad. But on the other hand when I was working in any place many said, wow, you have a sense of what is wrong and what to do, you should write or say something.

So maybe the strangest thing is that this is how that calling I have not taken now may be the only way out and one that like I know how the caged bird sings gives others a voice who may be silenced.

[Anne2.0]

I guess I would count myself among those with a set of life experiences, including work, where your story is unfortunately all too believable, especially about victims being blamed and in the words of one campaign for social justice, the criminalization of the trauma response. A lot of Americans are naiive about the realities of what happens in the legal system and the supposed sources for help.

A battered women's shelter may exclude you from staying there if you have a "violent" background (although with the repeated problems of victims being arrested at least some know how to assess this properly), but they should be able to provide counseling and support to you, if they offer that. It might be worth another hotline call if you can. Otherwise, I hope that your lawyer is able to deal effectively with the system and things work out for you.