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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 03:26 PM
  #1
I am posting this here because normally Iíd tell my DBT T but she is gone this week. I am trying to work on my skills, so I guess I would appreciate if people didnít comment saying that ex T was cruel or that Iím a stalker for driving by her house... I understand everyone may have their own opinions and I respect them, but those comments are pretty triggering for me and Iím still in a vulnerable place since she left.

I saw ex T walk by in the hall at the clinic and she looked at me briefly, but didnít give much of a smile. I know I didnít smile at her either. She just gave a soft ďHi.Ē And walked right on forward. This reminded me of times when sheís work to sustain eye contact and I tried doing that with her, but she looked away. Probably because sheís not my T anymore.

This may seem like a small thing to be triggered by and I know Iíve posted threads like this before, so Iím sorry for taking up space on here. I am trying to tell myself maybe itís hard for her to see me there too. Maybe she misses me. Idk. I definitely donít want to assume the best, if it is indeed, the worst - that she doesnít care and sheís not happy to see me. Or even, maybe sheís totally neutral. I guess I wish it didnít have to hurt. I wish we could both be happy to see each other, because I mistake hurt for negative feelings.

I donít know whether it hurts her to see me (definitely not assuming it would hurt her as much as it does me) or whether she doesnít care about me anymore. I mistake the two, but Iím trying really hard to believe itís just hard for her too and I know thatís probably incredibly selfish of me to want that.
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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 03:51 PM
  #2
I bet that was hard. Good job trying to hold all the possibilities. Also, good job reaching out for support.

I think it is perfectly normal to want someone we care about and a relationship that means so much to us to have that same type of impact on the other person.
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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 04:05 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by justbreathe1994 View Post
I am posting this here because normally Iíd tell my DBT T but she is gone this week. I am trying to work on my skills, so I guess I would appreciate if people didnít comment saying that ex T was cruel or that Iím a stalker for driving by her house... I understand everyone may have their own opinions and I respect them, but those comments are pretty triggering for me and Iím still in a vulnerable place since she left.

I saw ex T walk by in the hall at the clinic and she looked at me briefly, but didnít give much of a smile. I know I didnít smile at her either. She just gave a soft ďHi.Ē And walked right on forward. This reminded me of times when sheís work to sustain eye contact and I tried doing that with her, but she looked away. Probably because sheís not my T anymore.

This may seem like a small thing to be triggered by and I know Iíve posted threads like this before, so Iím sorry for taking up space on here. I am trying to tell myself maybe itís hard for her to see me there too. Maybe she misses me. Idk. I definitely donít want to assume the best, if it is indeed, the worst - that she doesnít care and sheís not happy to see me. Or even, maybe sheís totally neutral. I guess I wish it didnít have to hurt. I wish we could both be happy to see each other, because I mistake hurt for negative feelings.

I donít know whether it hurts her to see me (definitely not assuming it would hurt her as much as it does me) or whether she doesnít care about me anymore. I mistake the two, but Iím trying really hard to believe itís just hard for her too and I know thatís probably incredibly selfish of me to want that.
As I understand it, they are going to follow your lead if they see you outside therapy unexpectedly so that they do not brake your confidentiality. Maybe she wasn't sure if you were comfortable with her acting like she knew you and being friendly. Do you think this fits?
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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 05:17 PM
  #4
That sounds painful. As for the eye contact thing, I wouldn't read too much into it. I don't think it's typical to give sustained eye contact when walking past someone in the hall, whereas it might have made sense when you were in session and speaking at length.

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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 05:22 PM
  #5
I would suspect your old therapist is simply maintaining distance now that you are not her client.
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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 05:28 PM
  #6
I can see how that would be triggering. I think that she was maybe trying to keep the therapeutic boundary in place, even if it doesn't feel very therapeutic. I'm thinking it's good she acknowledged you and said "hi" even if she didn't sustain eye contact or smile. I know that is still difficult though. HUGS Kit

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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 05:29 PM
  #7
Very understandable that this was difficult for you and triggered all those feelings, Justbreathe. I don't think it's at all selfish to be thinking about how it could be really hard for her too. I would also want to believe this, because it would suggest that she is 'human' and was really committed to your therapy and did really care. Maybe this is the best kind of thought to hold on to.
I'm glad you have your DBT T, even though she is away.
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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 05:29 PM
  #8
Also you aren't "taking up space on here." You are getting support and asking for what you need, and you are more than welcome to do so. HUGS Kit

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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 06:02 PM
  #9
Thanks everyone. I guess my fear would be that itís just a boundary thing, but I guess it would help knowing why she was setting that boundary. Eye contact was a big thing in our therapy. She was always pretty intense about it too, as I know Iíve spoken about on here before. Sheíd try to make in group all the time, like Iíd just look over and sheíd be staring right at me wanting to ďconnect.Ē Iím embarrassed with how special that made me feel. It was intoxicating. I guess it feels traumatic to look for it, but sheís not willing to give it anymore. When she first ended things and we saw each other in the hall in passing, sheíd make a point of maintaining eye contact even though our therapy had ended. That felt reassuring to me to know she was trying, but I was so upset at the time, I couldnít look at her. And now I want it and itís not there. Maybe she has moved on and she wants me to move on too.
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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 06:02 PM
  #10
I am just acknowledging that I have started spiraling in the above post ^^
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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 06:16 PM
  #11
I wouldnít consider this a small thing at all, and I think itís totally normal to be affected strongly by this type of interaction. I know I would be. I think that most people would feel similar emotions after running into anyone they had a rough/emotional ending with, not just therapists.
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Default Feb 07, 2019 at 02:46 AM
  #12
That would have been super triggering. Be kind to yourself. This incident would have brought up a lot of hurt. Be really really kind and compassionate with the hurting-you.
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Default Feb 07, 2019 at 02:56 AM
  #13
I think you're doing a great job handling this even if you feel like you're spiraling. Seeing an ex-T, or anyone who abandoned you, would be very triggering.

For the longest time, I didn't think I could handle seeing my ex-T. I feared having a breakdown or worse, doing/saying something I'd regret. It's coming up on our 4 year anniversary, and I think I'd finally be okay if I saw her in passing.

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Default Feb 07, 2019 at 04:27 AM
  #14
Thanks guys. To be honest, Iíve left her several drunk voicemails. I asked my dietician if Ex T would be mad at me for this and she said no. Still tho. Iím stuck in the in between - letting ex T go and moving on.
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Default Feb 07, 2019 at 09:54 AM
  #15
It will take time. Grieving has no time limit. Just try your best to take care of yourself, and forgive yourself if you make a mistake. I had to learn to do that with how I reacted to my ex-T terminating with me.

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