Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I am terrified I’m not going to make it this summer without you. Twelve weeks is a long time. Absolutely terrified. The odds definitely aren’t in my favour.

Dang it T why do you have to start making sense now?
Almost there...

Well, I told work that I won't be attending the FLT trip. That ought to feel like a release, right? Not so...so not so it's untrue.

The problem with sessions like that is that I just love you and need you more.

Dear T,

I talked to pdoc as you suggested but I still think your therapy isn't ideal. I also reached out to a new counseling center today and it looks promising. I'm still looking around though so I'll still see you next week. I don't imagine you'd let me leave without another therapist in place anyway, that would probably be a liability issue given my current condition.

-Butterfly

Dear Former T: why haven't you responded to my email yet? You tired of me? I miss you. I love you. This hurts. Kit

T, I am trying really hard to make it these last two days... but now I am not sure I can... first day of spring break for my son and I am not doing well... not well at all. H is taking three days off from work but not until Wed. and I am not sure I am going to make it to Monday, yet alone We’d. It’s been a really long time since Ive felt this way... not good.

Hi Dr. S,

I wished I would have seen you today. I managed to not email you. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. The pains of loneliness and emptiness were bad this morning. I started journalling to you again. I don't think I will share it yet. We have to have some talks before then. And, you might have enjoyed this break and don't want to be burdened anymore with reading my writings. So many things are a mess. And I miss my comforting thoughts.
- me.

OK T, I am pretty sure I know what’s going on... and there is nothing you can really do to help. I also know you would worry a lot and have trouble disconnecting from the concern. I may or may not bring it up Monday, if I do I am going to be asking for your blessing to return to Pdoc... I know you don’t want me to but I might not have a choice. I’m sorry T, I feel like I’ve let you down but I don’t know what I could be doing differently that would help.

Sometimes I wish you were better at formal logic with abstract concepts.

Were you surprised to find out I have videos? What were you thinking when I said that? You didn't ask me why.

I went back and watched some of them.
I was right
I felt a bit squeamish, more so than I expected actually. But not really any emotions. What am I supposed to feel?

I'd never ask you to watch them, and I don't think you'd want to see that. But some ****ed up part of me wants you to, wants to see if you would be visibly upset by it.
Did the idea of it cross your mind? Were you at all curious? Horrified?

I wish you understood the depth of my pain. I will tell you on Monday, but I don't if me telling you equates to you understanding.

The Critic is being a sod. I'm hopeful that it will shut up before Tuesday...else we get to spend time then trying to make it do so.

You’re doing exactly what my mother did to me as a kid. I’m saying I need something because I know what’s best for me, and you’re completely invalidating it. No wonder I’m upset.

From episode 3:

I’m pretty sure you’re gonna fire me after the text I just sent you. But I’m tired of not saying what I need to say. So I said it.

Testing, testing 1,2,3.

We're not friends and I don't have to do it but I just want to see what your response, to me liking one of your fb posts is. Will you bring it up? Have I crossed a line?

I'm just not sure T. Not sure what's happening for you. I'm scared that you're scared, and that things could change.

Worries and anxieties of everyday life do not send me spitalling down anymore. I can stay grounded and trust that whatever it is, it will be solved. You have helped me so much with that!

Dear T,
You’ve said that therapists become therapists for a reason and have implied that it is to better understand the difficulties in your own lives. I’d like to know your story.

Well that went over like a sack of lead. Should I bother showing up on Monday or am I fired?

I wish I could text you, I know I can. But I don't need to. I was feeling fine, then now I'm not. I'm not horrible, just feeling kind of upset. I wish I could have my job without my current administration, but I realize that there will always be some kind of social anxiety problem. That last issue that happened would have been nothing for a normal person, but pushed me over the edge. I really need to make a schedule. I hate rain. I am sad.

I refuse to take this medicine anymore. It's ruining my life. Maybe that's overdramatic but it's how I feel. I wonder if you will take my side or not.

Also... I wonder if you're watching your basketball team right now. Do you even care about basketball? I hope you do. Your school is quite good, it's fun to watch.

Dear god how do you people find clients who take you all more seriously even than you take yourselves.

Dear T,
It almost feels like this switch flipped in my head a week ago and now I don't feel the same need to drink. Can that just be how it happens? Like last night, coming home from an early dinner and being like, "Nope, don't really want/need another one." And then sticking to that, without really feeling like I was fighting anything? Thursday night was a serious struggle, but that's because I was dealing with the ex-MC memories with March Madness. And even that I got through, when even just a few weeks ago, I definitely would have had another drink, probably more than one. Is it possible this could last?
Love,
LT