Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I can tell your honestly trying, but I still don't feel connected to you.

I would have seen you tomorrow for a second session, but I just paid my rent in advance for the next two months.

P.s I'm sorry about the nature of my dream.Thanks for letting me email it instead of making me say it out and having to see your reaction.

omggg I can't work any more overtime

We both knew I would end up seeing you tomorrow.

I still think about you, our work together, the awesome team we made, at least once a day. But - it's been 5 weeks today since I saw you and it's not the focus of my life anymore. And that's nice. I feel like I'm starting to live all the aspects of my life again in full color or something. Not in black and white like it used to be when therapy and you/our relationship were the only part in color.

I won't make a habit of emailing after every session. Last week was an exception, and this week I was an idiot, and had to redress that balance.

Dear ex-MC,
Watching March Madness is making me think of you, especially because your school was in the tournament (though already eliminated). If this was, say, 6 months ago, maybe I'd have emailed you or something. But not now. In 2 weeks, it will be a year since I've seen you. I'm not going to say anything about that either. Only here. And I want to tell you that I'm really working on the alcohol thing now, and that T is helping me and being supportive instead of judgmental. But I won't.
That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell that I can't. But I won't. Because I can't.

LT

Dear T,

What a nutso session today! It's definitely time for me to find a new t. I will talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow as you suggested but I really feel my meds are working okay at this point and I just need a new t.

Grr,
Butterfly

T, we are on the homeward stretch ! I didn’t bug you while you were away... yes, I know, I wouldn’t have bothered you... you want me to be able to reach out when I need to... blah, blah, blah... but you still appreciate it! Ha!
Got to spend time with H today. He honestly does not seem to understand his influence on our current mess. He also seems totally oblivious to the fact that I have told him why things happen with me. I hope he will come with me to see you some day and you can help us communicate better. You really aren’t that scary.
I ate twice today! We’ll blame the rainbow cupcake couch for making me hungry. The first time wasn’t very healthy for me but it wasn’t horrible. The second time was healthier.
I wonder what you would do Monday if I just ran up and hugged you when you came down the stairs ... you know, in that millisecond between when you say my name and when you are half way back up stairs. I think you would laugh at me... especially this week... I think you would just have a good laugh. I would have to be waiting at the foot of the stairs to catch you fast enough.
I realized today that more than likely your car is less than a mile from my house and I have been driving past it like every day. Kinda creeped me out knowing that you were/are/will be that close to my house.

Dear T,

Love,

LT

By the time I see you next Wednesday it will have been three weeks. But I’ve sent you several melodramatic emails since then. I’m feeling really exposed by that now and wish I could just crawl back under a rock.

Dear T,

Roar, still mad at you.

-Butterfly

Dear T,
OK, I think I can get through tonight without doing any of those things, including emailing you. Maybe I just had to type it all out. And, I don't know, think about you reading it. Like, how you'd feel reading that first part. And that helped me realize how screwed up my thinking is at the moment. Plus I'm really tired. I think I mostly need sleep. If I still feel really bad in the morning, maybe I'll consider emailing you then, I don't know. But I at least need to try to get through it on my own first.
Love you,
LT

Pdoc, I miss you SO much, and I just kinda disappeared on you before you could fire me for not having a T. I don’t need meds but I want to start seeing you again... is that bad? I think you would find it more agreeable than me wanting meds but not wanting to see a T. I have a T now. I miss your smile and the abundant hugs and all the goofy stuff on your desk... and. Just you. I miss YOU. You are pretty awesome (and remarkably sane) for a Pdoc. T doesn’t want me to see you because he doesn’t want me on meds... but that’s OK... I don’t need meds... I just want more hugs.

Dear T,
Maybe this isn’t about Ex-MC so much at all. Maybe it’s your suggestion that I could see backup T about addiction stuff instead of you Monday that’s really triggering me. I know you’re likely just trying to help. But it feels a bit like you’re pawning me off. Like I’m too much. Why can’t you just ask her one or two of those questions and get back to me? I don’t want to see her instead of you. I need your support right now, not that of someone I talked to on the phone once. I mean, if you were going to be away, then sure. But you’re not, at least not next week, because we already have those appointments on the books. I think maybe this is a paternal thing, which I rarely get with you, so that may have been why I jumped to him, especially with the basketball. But I think it’s more that this feels a bit like rejection. Which you might not understand. Or maybe you would. I don’t know, I just know it hurts. No matter how good your intentions are.
LT

I canceled the second appointment that I agreed to an hour before. I know that I'll be just fine.

I wrote it out, but I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to bring myself to share it with you

Hi R,

Couple of things. First - thanks for your email, and not letting me twist myself up in knots any more than necessary over a simple mistake.

Secondly - 'Who am I holding it together for?' The answer to that one is complex, and more suited to session time. Short version - P is still a problem. I trust you to hold the stuff, but thanks to her, I don't trust myself to contain it between times...and oh boy, am I trying to contain this.


I know it was a fluke, but I'm looking forward to seeing you a little bit sooner than usual.

Thanks,

Lost

You were on your A game today and I did feel closer to you.

Listening to love songs and thinking about you. Uh oh, that can't be good.

Dear T: I want to SH. I said I wouldn't for Lent. But I want to. I probably won't because I don't want to break my promise to myself and to God, but I want you to know how hard this is, and maybe to acknowledge that? Is that too much to ask for, or am I being unreasonable? Kit

You know what, maybe it isn't any of this other stuff I've been speculating about. Maybe it's just that we never had any goals or plans down on paper about this whole process and the never knowing where in the world I was in my 'process' was the whole problem. I know I found a lot of healing along the way and came to know myself a lot better but there was never any measurable anything - I couldn't stand the unknown timetable, the lack of a map with clear points along the way, or something. That's my overriding feeling right now. This other stuff, symptoms of that greater issue.
eta: i also wish i did not feel like i owe you coming back once to say goodbye.

My T said something about this on Wednesday. Wondering whether 'being' is enough. Wondering whether he should be 'doing' more. Not knowing where the path is. It's hard. Hugs.

The client in your office right now talks really loud.

For you, my T.

that is so very beautiful, echos.