Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Back to being in love with you and another 3 days seem so long.

P.s

15 days till you go away for Easter.
32 until you come back.

You said that caring about me is a choice, not something you're paid to do
Does that mean you could choose to stop caring about me?
I want you to do that.
I want you not to care.
You weren't supposed to care about me.

Dear T:

It has been so good lately, but I am waiting, as they say, for the other shoe to drop. I would like to not feel this way any more, how about that magic wand you keep for solving problems that you've never shared with me before?

Feeling like I'm in love with you, but I feel okay. I wondering how much I am holding back to protect myself and to preserve my relationship with you. Specifically, I'm wondering if I am in "T is worried so I must be 100% okay to reassure him everything is okay" mode. Like I must have done as a child.

I wonder how much longer I am still going to be thinking about you at least once every damn day.

Dear T,
It’ll be 3 weeks since I last saw you and I’m feeling anxious about that. I canceled the appointment before my vacation but have sent you several emails that felt important at the time, but that now make me feel exposed. I’m having imaginary scenarios play out in my head where I get frustrated and storm out of your office. Please don’t let it go there. Please don’t make me feel like you are distancing yourself and please don’t make me play 20 questions if I decide to ask you a question.

Having panic attack over food.
And then feel like s*** bc I don't think you'd care. Or understand.

Dear T,

Two weeks ago I came for my usual appointment and you weren't there. Last week you were out of town. So tomorrow it will be three weeks since I last saw you.

We've talked a couple times in the last week, but I don't think you're present in the same way on the phone. You say stuff that doesn't make sense for me and make assumptions that are invalidating.

We also haven't talked about how it felt that you disappeared. But maybe you don't think it's a big deal?

I am looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, but I am also pretty anxious about it.

I wish I could see you twice a week. Especially right now. And the thing is, I know you’d happily let me, but I’m too proud to ask.

I am doing all different kinds of ways, it's interesting. I am trying to write it down on the other place. I need to figure out what I will be doing these days.
I'm kind of tired and sad at the same time and afraid about the future.

Why do you have to be out for two weeks when you are getting ready to leave for three months 😕😔

I’m kinda not excited to see you tomorrow. If you weren’t leaving in seven weeks I’d probably cancel, but for now I feel like I need to get everything out of you that I can, regardless of my lack of enthusiasm.

OK T, I let you get through your trip... I may text in the morning before our appointment. I *might* take a big (for me) risk with you this week but would need you to stay close to me when we check in with emotions rather than walking across the room... and I might chicken out on the text and/or the emotion. And I want to start with a hug but I don’t feel like I can ask for that AND have you next to me for the emotions... not that you haven’t figured out that needy Omers is, well, needy.

I have a feeling Tuesday's session won't be very good. You're going to have some sort of Talk with me, and even if I can kind of see it coming, it will suck.

NOthing is going to help me get better. I feel horrible now

i dont think i can do this without drugs but i have been straight for 2 years now so maybe this will help

T, I’m a chicken...

I'm seeing u today in the new building. a lil nervous I won't like it. where will we walk now

Dear T,

Still mad at you. Don't have a new t to see quite yet so I guess I will try to work things out with you in the meantime. I plan to write you an e-mail later today. Hopefully you'll answer before I see you on Thursday and of course we can discuss it more on Thursday.

-Butterfly

P.S.- Your therapy place being non-profit and me not having to pay you is the only reason I've been coming, because honestly paying you just wouldn't be worthwhile.

Dear T: I'm kind of irritated (maybe even mad at you). I would never tell you that in session so I'm glad I can say it here. Why couldn't you be supportive of me? Why couldn't you be happy that I made a healthy choice? Why couldn't you be more like former T? Kit

Ok that was a really good session. Thanks.

Thanks for your reply. It was nice. I feel okay about us right now. Lots to talk to you about next session though.

Thank you for today. Thank you for not commenting on all my tears. Thanks for not being a jerk.

You sent this hurricane, now it won't go away.

I don't even feel like I can ask you for an earlier session.

I used to love surgery, now I can't stand it.

Edit:email sent, but I'm not hopeful.

So much to say tomorrow - I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in. What I do know is that I am going to start with one answer to 'Who am I holding it together for?'