Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

T, I adore you. I am so glad you are back for a while. Thanks for sitting next to me even though I didn’t ask, thanks for standing by me with the emotions so that I didn’t end up chickening out even though I didn’t ask. Thanks for fixing the cards so I could laugh and smile watching you be you. Thanks for being you.

T,

I’m so glad that I get the privilege of working with you. I am excited about this therapy journey with you!

Okay. That was a start. I need more.

Thanks to changes at work I probably could take the time for another session this week.

I don’t know if I should ask you for that though.

I left today feeling completely crazy and panicked and I’m pretty sure some of that was your fault

I hope tomorrow doesn't go terrible. I am afraid it might.

Dear T,
I want to say something to you, but I'm not sure what? Hoping I can figure it out by Thursday.
Love,
LT

I felt like you heard me today. I don’t want to go back on meds but you finally heard me that I’m depressed and struggling. Thank you.

I'm glad I get to see you tomorrow.
I'll probably do some writing tonight to share with you. The kind of thing I hand over and make you read instead of reading it myself.

Maybe this is manipulative, but I wish I knew what to write that would get a warm and compassionate and caring response from you in a way that makes me feel safe and close to you. Something I'll replay over and over in my head after. It's been a while since we've had one of those moments.
I always feel guilty, like I'm taking something I'm not supposed to have, like I have no right to feel something so personal and emotionally intimate. Like I'm somehow violating boundaries by letting myself feel so intensely.
Would you pull back if you knew? Would you be disturbed? There's a part of me that desperately wants you to tell me it's okay, you understand and that you're okay with it.
And for the millionth time I swear it's not ET.

Word, I have the exact same feelings about my T.

[QUOTE=LabRat27;6480897
Maybe this is manipulative, but I wish I knew what to write that would get a warm and compassionate and caring response from you in a way that makes me feel safe and close to you. Something I'll replay over and over in my head after. It's been a while since we've had one of those moments.
I always feel guilty, like I'm taking something I'm not supposed to have, like I have no right to feel something so personal and emotionally intimate. Like I'm somehow violating boundaries by letting myself feel so intensely.
Would you pull back if you knew? Would you be disturbed? There's a part of me that desperately wants you to tell me it's okay, you understand and that you're okay with it.
And for the millionth time I swear it's not ET.[/QUOTE]

Oh LabRat27, that makes me so sad. My T tries to make sure he gives me those experiences of feeling seen and connected. IMO there is nothing at all wrong with what you are wanting. My T would tell me he was sad that he could never fully fill the need because it goes way back to infancy (for me) but that he hoped he would be able to give me some of those experiences in our time together.

Hugs

T, yesterday was a really BIG session even though it might not have felt like it to you. I know we didn’t get to what you had planned for us to do and I appreciate your flexibility. Yesterday I opened up to you a whole lot more than I ever have wit a T, just not in a scared/vulnerable way. I was happy and playful and I wasn’t being self conscious about anything. You said the more I was able to relax and just be with you the more I would be able to recieve from the session. Even the hug at the end felt different and I know on some level you noticed it because you held me longer. I know you were worried several times because you blurted things out or got “off topic” but that’s part of what made space for the magic to happen. I doubt you would say you were having a bad day or even an off day. But you just got back from one trip and are getting ready to leave on a second one, you were running crazy late, the cards weren’t on the credenza the way you like them, you were distracted... things were not going your way... and it was AWESOME. Why? Because you were human weather you liked it or not and I felt safer because of it.
I know some of it was also from what I learned about you last week while you were gone, what I discovered about my experience of you through my posts here and the changes in me from defending you to H. I know I walked in seeing you differently... but what an amaizing day for you to be “off” and human.
More than anything I want you to know how important yesterday was and the connection we had for that hour.

What does it say when the best session we've had in a long time was one that we didn't talk about anything related to me - just simply about the puzzle we were putting together?

I would like to call you and just touch base briefly but I don't want to schedule a session; I would feel like I had to though if I bothered you so I guess I won't. Le sigh.

Dear Former T: thanks for the email. But it was so short. I feel like I'm nothing to you anymore. I feel like I don't matter to you. I know you said you care about me, but it feels like you don't. I know feelings lie. I just want things to be like it was when you were my T but they can't be. And it doesn't help that my last appointment with my current T didn't go well. I feel unsupported. I feel uncared about. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel unwell. And I feel like no one cares. Again, I know feelings lie. But boy, can they be strong. Kit

Hugs, kit.

Dear T,
Maybe I should have just emailed you last night. Because I'm still feeling upset this morning. And I think I know why now? Maybe? If you have something tomorrow, I'll take that instead of Thursday (hence the text). If you don't, then I'll just email you. I think.

Love,
LT

Grateful to have our conversation today, but the only thing about having a session sooner than usual is having to wait longer for the next. Thanks for still being open to the possibility of Jenga.

ugh just realized spring break is next week. i bet you’ll be off. sigh.

I get that you can't always reply straight away, but i feel like you won't be there when I really need you .

Dear T,
Thanks for fitting me in tomorrow, though I hope you didn't have to change around another client or your own plans to do so. The way you worded it was kind of odd. Now I just have to figure out what to focus on, as I could go in a couple different directions. It all ties together though. I just don't want to get stuck on one aspect of it.

Love,
LT

Next week is full of echoes, and moments I would rather keep locked away. Sometimes I wonder whether it's all too ******* tangled. The beginning of April is a flaming hellscape, and I'm a little bit peeved at the timing of the next break, to be totally honest.

See you in under 14 hours.

Dear T,

Unless something super eventful happens tonight or early tomorrow morning I am canceling Thursday's session. Maybe I will come in the following Thursday but I am so done with you at this point.

-Butterfly

I have no idea which me I will be tomorrow. We'll just wait and see.
me

Oh T. Definitely wouldn't have guessed the conversation would have went that way tonight. I'm broken, and you can't fix me. Are you at the end of your rope too? Going back to NY just isn't going to happen. Hospitalization is too extreme, I wish there was a middle ground. I can't deal for much longer, I know.