Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

It’s Wednesday. I made it.

Do I call you after work like you said I could?

I’m probably being over-dramatic. Didn’t think I could make it to today. How much further away is Monday, really?

You’re different on the phone. I don’t know what to say. That often doesn’t go as well on the phone. I hate saying things I’ve said before but I don’t have anything new.

I don’t want to want your attention. I shouldn’t want your attention. Bad.

There's nothing wrong with emailing R.

But it's her responsibility to make sure phone notifications don't interrupt sessions.

well at least u don't hate me I guess

i've gone 48 hours without texting you. I think that's some kind of a record or something.

6 weeks until our 5 week long break. UGH. I am really uneasy about this. Any way I can just see you every day until then? Just kidding. Sorta. Twice a week would be fantastic though.....

I shut you down when you gently suggested medication on Monday, but today I called to get the referral to the psychiatric nurse practitioner squared away anyway.

I'm not going to tell you about that until I'm done being upset with you, though.

I think you deserve to worry for a while longer.

I hope I can actually talk on friday

I miss the person who I want you to be.

T, one more day down without an email!! We are on course now seeing as I don’t usually email you after Thursday any way because I don’t want to mess up your weekend. I still miss you though... a lot. H seems to have stopped messing with me for now so hopefully no more pot stirring until after I get to see you. I really want to do a relaxation exercise with you Monday just to see if I can. Part of me feels like that would be a waste of our time though. You might get your wish Monday... I might pull the sad card instead of scared... if I’m really feeling brave I will pull the mad card... but don’t count on it.

I had a really good day after session. I am not worried, I don't have to text you and so forth. H and I connected somehow and it felt like it should be. I think that I a feeling better even though I am really afraid of the money situation. Thank you for filling out the paperwork. Much appreciated.

I don't think I had a choice to make, I think the one that I made was the only one I could do. Now, to get all of this stuff done and get on with living my life, whatever that looks like. Thanks T.
me

I had a really good day after session. I am not worried, I don't have to text you and so forth. H and I connected somehow and it felt like it should be. I think that I a feeling better even though I am really afraid of the money situation. Thank you for filling out the paperwork. Much appreciated.

I don't think I had a choice to make, I think the one that I made was the only one I could do. Now, to get all of this stuff done and get on with living my life, whatever that looks like. Thanks T.
me

Dear Ex-T #1.

I'm kind of hating you right now, and hating myself for not getting out sooner. You ended up being just as terrible as all those other Ts. I was right to not get attached.

Dear Ex-T #2 (from before):

You seemed so promising. I liked you! But why did you always keep your phone out and check your texts while I was talking? Why couldn't you just *listen* to me? Even though you made me worse, and even though you think that all I do is "write bad things about therapists online" - I kind of miss you. And I miss the fuzzy wallpaper that is long gone, and throwing the sparkly ball back and forth, and the funny pillow that didn't match anything else in your office. Boo.

I like the idea of you searching for a perfect pillow for me to use in your office.

Do we owe each other goodbye?
I
don't
know.
But
Sailing on without looking back
emboldened by the love in my heart
is the only way forward
that I can see right now.

T, I know if I ask you this in person you will answer me and I won’t like the answer so I am going to ask you here . Why is H so damn intimidated by you? I spent most of my life afraid of men because of my past and I just don’t find you that scary... your questions sometimes? Yeh. The things you ask me to do/try? Yes... all those damn feelings? Absolutely! You? I don’t get it. I trust you so much more than anyone I have ever known. I trust you to be safe and to keep me safe. I don’t get what is so scary. You hold my hand when we are talking about stuff that makes me feel vulnerable and you give me hugs when I need them and it feels good and safe. You check in with me and stop if we need to stop... I just don’t get the scary part. All my scared went away when you introduced yourself to me in the waiting room... even with “Hotel California” playing behind you.

Today's been an interesting day. I did some good self-care, I think. I'm feeling more wanting the connection with you again. I even found lots of books for us to try. I was thinking that maybe we try the new space, in the corner where I want to sit with the books. I don't know if I can keep this openness through tomorrow. I'm scared of you - this time not so scared of you physically. I'm more scared that you still are not the same you I've seen you as and love. The you that left me feeling loved and held.

Part of me wants to continue to withhold the journal and make you see what it is like to not know all the things going on in my head. I shared so much with you. This part still sees what you've said lately as you weaponizing and/or pathologicalizing what I've shared. Not that I've written in my journal since last Monday. I have written some stuff on the forum and to a friend as if they were my journal.

I miss you and I'm mad at you. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings. Maybe we can at least get through the sky portion of the puzzle. If I remain shut down, you are going to have to come get me because I won't be able to break through the barriers myself. They are already getting too strong.

Ok. I vaguely hinted that there’s something I want to tell you but just can’t. How much you open that crack is up to you.

Can't solve a rupture if I'm running away from you.

This is beautifully put. Thank you.

T, I am your first appointment after your week away. I have to wonder if you hate yourself or love me. It’s going to be a big transition shocker... from spending time with your family and then right into me and my stories of how my family is the exact opposite in like every bad way imaginable. Then I wonder if you did it on purpose... you know I am going to want to hear about your trip... then you can tell me all the things you did last week... the same things that made me uncomfortable just to think about the week before. Come to think of it... if anything could trigger me hearing about your week away could. Well, if that isn’t screwed up... yeh, go ahead... hug me, hold my hand, put your hand on my shoulder... OMG don’t tell me about playing with the grandkids... god I’m screwed up.
O.K. Now I might be good with Monday being three days away still...

Dear T: I am pleased I am inching closer to sticking to my principles in the face of unreasonable work requests. Like the lawyers who try to get me to do their jobs. Like refusing to do additional projects until they've paid me for the one I've already done. It's a good way to get me breathing room when they try to pressure me for more work. Everybody seems to get wanting to be paid. And I will do my best to avoid being taken advantage of in the future.

T0 yeh, you get a 0 cuz you stink. You really screwed up with a kid that really needed help. As far as I can tell you started the “too much” perception. She is too damaged to heal, she is too scared to heal... no, you just weren’t good enough for her. Now, will you kindly stop haunting me and T R.

T1 I know you care(d) but you let the scared stay, you didn’t know how to make it stop. In the end you were more good than bad. You let me see the other side, that T’s are just people too. T R doesn’t like you having me read books about other people worse off than me to put things in perspective. He says it is numbing and minimizes my experience... I have to agree.

T3 you taught me T’s have limits and that’s OK. I wish you could have told me about it instead of dumping me and running but you taught me I could confront you and still be kind.

J T... you never took me on as a client and I wish you had. I know you said you were intimidated by me... OK, given our early history, I can see that. Thanks for the hug when I triggered I see that as a big piece of being able to work with T R now. I miss the you I knew even though I know you are no longer that person.

T P.. hey! That’s fitting! TP! Yeh, I can’t believe you still have your license. That is all.

T S. Eh, funny but not as fitting as TP... you were very helpful for where I was when I first started with you. You taught me to (try and) be courageous in therapy. I would like to run into you again, not that you would remember me. I am sorry you thought I could not heal, that all that could be done was damage control. I’m glad I don’t believe you.

Fr, oh how I miss you. Thank you for laying the foundation so that I could reach out to T R and trust him. I hope you will let me come home and take you out to dinner when T R and I make this happen. Thank you for posting on your web page so that I can keep you close without being a pest... now, if you would televise your Mass I would break down and get a TV! Yeh, I haven’t changed, I am still up front, hanging on your every word... sometimes laughing, sometimes crying, always loving you.

T D. Ugh, man you screwed this one up six ways to Sunday! I know you cared but what a waste and SO much damage. I was sad to see that you have decided to be a therapist again. I know you took a few years off and did other things. Do not show your face with T R! If you haunt me I will haunt you back and I’m not afraid of you or your judgements any more.

T L. I am not sure why you left teaching. I think you would make a far better teacher than T. I can’t believe you fired me while I was Sui. I’m not your dad and you really need to work on that!

T N... I miss you as a person not a T. I wonder how you are. I’m sorry I disappeared when you got sick. We were already in trouble as T/client anyway though. I hope you are OK now. I wonder how much of our not being able to work together was Pdoc 1 and your being sick. I know you were always worried about me trashing you outside your office. No worries I haven’t said anything bad about you to T R. I know he knows you... part of me hopes I come up in conversation... a brief hey, you’ll never guess who showed up at my office door... nothing major though. I wish you weren’t haunting me with T R though. I don’t feel like I can talk about it with T R though without hurting you. It sucks. I don’t want to think I am doing something wrong in therapy and that he is going to give up on me.

T R, you are awesome but we need to talk about all these trips and missing sessions. Needy Omers is needy! Fr retires soon and I have work to do first! I miss you. Thanks for holding my hand, for the hugs, for seeing me.

T who isn't my T,
Will you remember? A hand on my shoulder or a hug would really be appreciated this week, and that's definitely not something I'll be getting from my T. Not that you're a replacement/substitute for him or something. You hold a unique and valued place in my life. I appreciate you. Thank you for everything you do. I really do look forward to seeing you.

P.S. This means it's been a year since you sent me that email. It doesn't feel like it was nearly that long ago. I'm still genuinely touched that you did that.

I feel abandoned. I am majorly OCDing as of late. Big time. I don't remember the last time I was so obsessive. I always end up pushing people away. Or being stupid. I need new meds. I might call my Dr. and ask about it, like maybe I need Paxil or something. I did have a lot of energy now, I feel dead like. I wish I could get myself together somehow. I need to find something to do. And then do it.

Currently obsessing over my remark at the end of the session. That was not my place. I am sorry.