Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Dear T,

Thanks for making me chuckle today. I needed it.

I’m too scared to read your email. Literally, I feel nauseous.

I will not ever forget today.
I finally feel like a participant.
Thank you for the patience while I figured all this out.

I hate the roommate! She's so stupid! I want to punch her face!

Also, me and C might go live in R- with our sister over the summer. But then we won't see you. That might not be so good for C... and I don't want her talking to some stranger therapist! I don't think seeing the previous therapist would be feasible with the internship since she's a good 30 minutes from R-. So we would need 2 hours off...

I can't believe I actually told you all of that. Why did I tell you that??? How can you be okay with and unphased by that?

T, I know you have a crazy week and you said you will always read my emails but not always respond. It would be really helpful though just to know you are not mad at me... that you didn’t open your email, see all those messages and think that maybe my h was right and ditching me wouldn’t be a bad idea.I am having senders regret... even though I still think they were all important.

I wonder if your mom is ok... I hope so... I'm worried since you aren't coming back Thursday. I'm going to be really, really worried if you aren't back Friday. What if something is wrong? I can't deal with conflict with the roommate when I'm all anxious. And C hates conflict, so...

Crying and panic attacks would demonstrate to me that I have exceeded coping, and passed into not coping. I think we need to talk more about this. For now, though, I will just paddle on.

I spent most of yesterday crying, but still passed my endocrinology test today.
I haven't been well since monday. Maybe it's not a real "emergency" but I can't reach you.

You're the best and I love you

You're the worst and I loathe you

It's so weird to be thinking these things and know that you know (even if you don't know all the specific details) and that you're okay with it. That I'm "allowed" to let myself.

Realistically I didn't really expect my worst fears to come true. I knew you probably wouldn't tell me that I was right that I was disgusting and pathetic and a bad person.
But you were even more okay with it than even the rational part of me expected.
It's not like you were shocked but then tried to be non-judgmental or whatever. It made me feel better that your response was basically "wait, that's it? that's what you think is so unacceptable and horrible?"
And I really really appreciated the reassurance that you're not uncomfortable with the subject. It felt like you really did mean it.

It was also unexpected that you responded to the parallel/analogy I used like that. I think you were reading too much into it (though at least it seems like you finally understand that I really don't mean that I feel that way about you). I maintain that most people would be uncomfortable with that idea, it would be a lot more unusual if I wasn't uncomfortable with it.
I see a lot of posts by people whose therapists reacted negatively to the disclosure and weren't okay with discussing it, and they're supposed to be more understanding and used to it.

I think I'll tell you a bit more on Friday. Maybe I'll even say it out loud instead of making you read it.
I think I need to talk to you about eye contact again too. I think it would have been reassuring and comforting if I'd been able to allow myself to look at you and see compassion and no indication of judgment or disgust.

I don't want anymore therapy.

I do want to call just to check in a little. But I don't want any sessions and I don't want more therapy. I think I wanna say goodbye and just tell you one more time that you did good. We did good.

Dear T,
I should not have brought that up with 20 minutes left. But I mean, the whole session was circling around the same topic. Guess it's glaringly obvious how attached to you I am, huh? I know you care, I think you're just not sure what to do with me sometimes. Because I'm apparently such an outlier in your clients. Not just now, but over your nearly 20 years of practice. And there's definitely countertransference going on, even if you wouldn't label it as such--as you apparently want to focus on the relationship and feelings going on right now, not whether it's transference/countertransference. But those last 20 minutes felt particularly intense. I'll likely end up seeing you Friday. Your parting words of "I hope you'll be OK--I really do" meant a lot to me. You obviously care, it just seems you're almost conflicted about how much you do. Like you're fighting it almost. And do you save magazine articles for other clients like you did for me today? I wish the therapeutic relationship wasn't so ****ing complicated. Likely will see you Friday. But I'll see what I feel like in a few hours.
Love,
LT

Bingo! Me too! You're not alone with that. HUGS Kit

I just had a thought/realization that came dangerously close to self-compassion. Weird.

I hope you don't think it's stupid or overdramatic.
(yes, rationally I know you won't think those things and you'll actually be annoyingly happy about it and I'll roll my eyes and tell you not to get too excited and threaten to go make some bad choices to balance things out)

I know the feeling. Sometimes it's good to take steps back if you can - especially if you are still able to see your T and still not keep digging at stuff.

You leave in seven weeks, but you'll be back in 20 weeks. I can do this.

I hate hate hate my fat self I just want to lose weight so I can stop hating my body every second of the day. Also I never want to see you again but I wanna be with you all the time too, how does that work?

Dear T,
Are you just going to ignore my scheduling text? Maybe you're just sick of me. Maybe I should just leave. But I don't want to. I want you to understand and accept me and be there.
LT

Yo L this stuff that just happened... I handled it and the world didn't end and they're still my friends and I didn't need you for it. It made me feel a surge of self confidence and that life post-therapy is pretty darn alright. I'm living things that you taught me for reals. It is fascinating, you know. This **** works.

Dear T,
Thanks for adding the thing about hoping I'm able to have a good evening and night to your confirmation of my seeing you tomorrow. It's little things like that where it's clear to me that you care. Be good tomorrow, OK?

Love,
LT

T, I know you are leaving again so I know for sure it will be totally random if you reply to my emails. I’m sad. I am so sick again I even called into work. I’m scared. I need work to see you but I can’t juggle all this. I had SO much more fall into place from last session I think I need two sessions to process last session and then one to do what ever we will do next week. We need to talk about addictions next week. NO I didn’t lie when I said I don’t use drugs or alcohol... but we still need to go there. I know that will totally railroad your plans... and we were going to do relaxation and I need that, I think I need that to not be sick. T, I want a hug. Not just any hug, the hug from Monday when I felt you breathe and I felt the texture of your sweater and I was present so you didn’t let go so quick, you let me feel. Oh, T, there is SO much to do.

T,

Really want to see you before Monday. I know you don't have any openings and I doubt that will change.

I don't want to do another phone call. I hate the phone. I feel like a horrible person for calling you or otherwise interacting with you when you should not be working.