Couch 191: The Lazy Caterer Couch

Those Romans have a quote for everything.

Ils sont fous ces romains!

He has moved on. No doubt. His own words he compared me to a snowglobe so i very much was just a job. I know the contact thing was his way of trying to be ethical. I get it, because I was just a job, it happened to me too

There's no way he cares anymore. He may think of me in passing here or there but therapists don't care long after clients stop being clients. I'm ok with it. I just wish I could stop caring too.

Writing may help if/when I go back. Right now I'm not planning to return anytime soon. I'll be ok somehow. Hopefully with nicer weather coming soon, it will be easier to move on and care about more important things

2 more sessions

Mr T is a born-again sand tray believer. He made two separate pilgrimages to America to look at sand trays.

I reminded him that we'd done a small figures exercise. He seems to have forgotten the technique, let alone what we did together. So I've emailed it to him, including my narrative of what it meant.

If I do see Madame T again, I must express my hate properly.

You are the most mercenary health care professional I've ever had to work with.

You hide behind the rules when it suits you, and break the rules when it suits you. So you're not following the rules at all. You just do what you want, but you don't have the guts to admit it.

Then I will ask her some questions:

Did you ever listen to the CDs I gave you? If no, can I have them back?

What went wrong with out relationship?

What did you do to save our relationship?

What would you have done differently?

On a more positive note, I'll go through the log of our last encounter, giving her maximum benefit of the doubt.

But now we come to the "atom", as I put it.

Why I came that day was I wanted was to hear you say you love me. It's not enough to think it, or know it, or see it. I need to hear it.

If she doesn't say it then, she never will and that's closure of a kind.

Incidentally, W had a dream where Madame T kept leaving explosive devices on our doorstep.

I felt all right when I wrote that but I feel drained now.

Hugs, CE.

Next week I am working 75 hours so I just booked a cleaning lady to come to my house the following week to deep clean the whole thing. I will not spend time cleaning my home after a 75 hour work week. I think I’m using some of the over time money wisely. Not to mention these people will clean every nook and cranny while most of the time I do just enough so that it doesn’t look like a total s h i t storm.

My hat is off to you. I don't know how you do a 75 hour week, my 60 hour weeks got to be too much I am so grateful it got cut back recently to mandatory 48. We'd been doing 54-60 hr weeks since October and it was getting really old! I would not be able to handle 75 hours. Hugs
And I say money well spent on the deep clean! I want to do that too.

I still don’t know how I’m going to survive that 75 hours. I think what’s going to happen is I’m going to end up just going through the motions like a robot.

So I just realized both of the other 2 T's I tried, have not billed me?? I've gotten 0 noticed from my insurance about it, it's not on my banking thing online... nothing has come directly in the mail. How long should it take?

I saw them both early Feb for the first/last times.... should I contact them?

Wow, that's strange. Everyone seems to send a bill like the next day nowadays. HUGS Kit

Hi Couchies!

My boss came into work today! I'm not sure how long she is going to stay. Her doctor's note says "as long as tolerated". I'm just glad she's back at the moment at least. I feel less stressed.

I didn't get to take a morning walk today because it was raining. I know I could have walked in the rain, but it was also dark. Rain and dark...I thought, nah. I might try to take a walk on my lunch break though. HUGS Kit

It's raining here too and I didn't go on my usual walk either. Just not feeling the need to go out there this morning! I may go at lunch too!

Went to JoAnn last night & got the rest of the yarn I need for the pink afghan. Worked on it for about 45 minutes while waiting for a chat this morning yay! But then I got one and had to work. Pbbt. Now I'm answering emails again (my normal job, the customer facing chat is a project I'm on).

I just thought/heard people talking about me at work. Ugh. Real, or psychosis...hard to tell. Kit.

Still no word on my car. I hope they figure it out today. I probably should have rented a car for a few days. It was $30+ round trip for the Uber to my session yesterday. (It sucks when you get the chatty driver right after your emotionally draining therapy session. And he got on the wrong freeway, going the wrong direction, and I had to tell direct him back to the correct route. What is the GPS for??) Had to Uber to work this morning and will have to Uber either back home or to pick up my car. It adds up quickly.

Well I think I'm arriving back to the place where I'm grateful to Leticia, happy with the me I am now compared to the me I was in 2011 when we started, and kind of accepting that I love her and that's just the way it is. I am a loving person and this world needs loving persons and I'm kinda freaking DONE with apologizing for my feelings all the damn time. So sayeth I!

(Been doing a lot of thinking about this stuff on my walks the past coupla days)

Also been thinking about how I seem to need so much external approval/validation instead of being able to find that inside myself. And how I relied on Leticia for that a LOT. I suppose when we don't get that from our parents/caregivers when we are young, we don't learn how to do it for ourselves or something? I dunno. Working on finding it inside myself now, I'm sure it must be there, it was maybe just easier to keep getting it from Leticia?? Just rambling here.

Nature versus nurture. I don't think everyone has the same response to external stimuli or lack thereof. I would be hard pressed to nail down any one reason why I am the way I am - I mostly like to think of it as me just being me.
Having feelings is different than acting on them or having them control you.

I do think that some people find with continuing to see the therapist, their need for external validation reduces more naturally and it is not such a stark black and white line.

It's lunchtime and still raining and I'm trying to talk myself into going for a walk anyways.

Do you have rain gear? Is is cold, blowing rain? I rather like gently or non-blowing rain. I find it to be quite peaceful to walk in if I have on an appropriate rain jacket and hat. I dislike carrying an umbrella although I do use them when necessary.

I usually wear a raincoat yeah. But it's the cold blowing kind. I think I'm going to go anyway though!