Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Dear Ex-Therapist -

It has been a year since we have spoken.

I wonder how it feels to be able to disown your 'mistakes' and start over with someone new. Do you feel redeemed?

I have nearly recovered from your services, but I am still furious when I think about the many ways you have failed me.

As an FYI - if you accept money for psychotherapy services and pose as a therapist, it might serve you well to learn the signs of client traumatic responses in therapy. If your formerly polite and 'worried well' client starts speaking and behaving uncharacteristically crazy, it is not because you missed the signs that you were working with a bad person who just masqueraded as 'normal'. Perhaps you should believe their self-reported level of duress and struggle with what is going on within your walls, on your watch. The following therapist responses are never helpful when a client is actively re-experiencing their traumas and are on the verge of mental collapse:

1) Labeling your client
2) Imitating your client's confessions of their feelings towards you in a patronizing voice
3) Invalidating your client's emotional responses to your actions
4) Disbelieving what a client is reporting they are experiencing in the moment
5) Revealing your 'true thoughts and feelings' about lies you have previously told your client
6) 'Taking back' complements and kind actions you have done for your client
7) Threatening to terminate your client for 'lack of progress'
8) Blaming your client for being triggered 'over nothing'
9) Shaming your client for their constant suffering
10) Telling your client they are 'too much'
11) Using a condescending or mocking tone with your client
12) Talking about how much you have helped other clients and how much they adore you
13) Blaming your client for the 'extra time' you spend on them

I suspect you will not take any of this advice because you think you are perfect. I do hope you know that there is one person in the world who thinks you are a total %$#@*.

Best,
PM

PS - When a client asks to take a break, it is not always because they are in denial of how much they love you and want to be with you. Perhaps YOU are the one who is too much.

I keep thinking of the smile on your face when you saw that I had showed up today. And how you mentioned about three times that you were glad I decided to come. And how every time I let out a big sigh of relief you did too, sometimes while smiling. That was nice.

Thank you very much for your messages. I'm not really in a place to respond now.

I care about you very much.

I'm jealous of C!

Dear ex-t,
I never really felt helped by you. There was nothing worse than when you would snap at me and say, "Is anything I'm saying making sense to you? What did you hear me say?" I was dissociated during those times. I'm so relieved I don't have to see you anymore. We were not a good match, yet I did not have the courage to speak up.

Thanks for how well you understand me, lemon.

Lots of hugs, lemon.

Is there any good reason to tell you beforehand if I'm not even open to being talked out of it?
You'd say you'd want me to tell you. But what's the point?
Part of me wants to tell you, but that's not a good thing. That's attention seeking in a negative way. That's the part of me that likes the idea of it upsetting you.
It's not really fair to tell you. You'd try to get me to not do it. I'd be setting you up to fail and then you'd wonder if there was something you could have said or done differently.

And, worse, part of me almost wants to use it to get something from you. There are actually things you could say or do that would keep me from doing it. But not for the right reasons. It would be manipulative and more like blackmail/extortion.

I wish you hadn't texted me that one time.
I always want more.
This is why I need such rigid boundaries.
No out of session contact.
That was your rule. I respected that boundary. I never even tried to push it. So why did you suddenly do so on a whim? It's not fair. Now I want it all the time.

T,

I really want to contact you right now but it's the middle of the night so I'll wait until morning.

-c

Are you used to important stuff coming to the fore 5 minutes before the end? It bugs me.
I'd say I feel responsible, but because the words are coming out of my mouth, I definitely am.

Before everything happened, we talked about rearranging the seating. I am hopeful that increased proximity to you might help me feel safer in expressing some of the stuff I want to, but can't.

Argh! The only available appointment for my daughters podiatry appointment is our exact session time 😭

I'm sad that I gave away my session time and hoped you'd have a cancellation and I'd get that opening. You don't know that I'll be gone the week after you are, meaning it will be a whole month before we meet. I'm doing fine, distracted by the stupidity of being in love, and maybe you know that. I think the flush of new love may blind me to getting any serious work done in therapy, but I really just want you to be my cheerleader. Pompoms and all. I get that from everyone else in my life when I tell them, and they're all that way too, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it from you.

Dear T,

Thank you for pulling me from the brink of the abyss and holding me down until I felt somewhat functional again. Thanks for your accessibility, thank you for caring, and just thank you for being you.

See you on Thursday!

Love S

P.s Sorry for all the emails this week.

Dear New T,

Thank you for a great session yesterday. Wish we could have another one today. See you in two weeks (you'll be away next week).

-Butterfly

I made it easy for you this week, but you owe me a free session, which I'm going to bug you about.

.

I'm almost dreading our session because then it will be over and I'll have to wait ten more days and I'm worried I'm going to waste the session or it won't be enough. It's never enough.

I know how that feeling goes.

I can't remember whether you said "I hope you don't" or "I wish you wouldn't" and I really wish I could remember
It was the least unhelpful thing you said today
Probably still not enough
But it's at least making me reconsider

It felt like the most genuine thing you said.
It caught me by surprise.
You weren't trying to convince me at that point. It was like it was the only thing you had left, and you were saying it in an almost resigned/defeated way.
That helped more with feeling alone than any of your reasoning or suggestions.

Edit: or maybe it was "I hope you won't"
Ugh why can't I remember

I don't know what to do anymore at least with you I had vague sense of direction now I feel rudderless. Monday would have been my next session it's been disorientating planning and then remembering they aren't happening anymore

I only tell you when I'm upset with you or hurt by you. I never actually tell you about the ways I appreciate you.
I hope you understand and know anyway.

Dear T,

I managed another night of work. I want you to be proud of me.

-C

I really wish I could have had a session this past week, and not have to wait for three more weeks. Maybe I'm no longer your favorite who gets first crack at sessions. I think you'd want to hear all about my adolescent-like love and hormones. I just want you to know how much I understand about relationships more than I used to, how the deep and humorous and loving connection I am now capable of is because of the past 10 years with you. I've aged well, too, but this magnificent thing that's appeared in my life is no accident, and is the product of having dealt with my ***** and having an unflinching, unflappable person accompany me to where I wanted to go. You don't deserve the credit and I've been the way leading the way, but I couldn't have done it alone and I am just so profoundly and goofily grateful to be here now. Thank you. I hope you have a great vacation or staycation or whatever unexciting activity you are up to. I think it's your annual meditation retreat.

I had a meltdown yesterday. It's getting real that you're leaving in two weeks, and I won't see you for almost four months. I know I'm trying to bail on summer T and you wont' let me, but I just don't want to think about therapy while you're away.

Dear Ex-Therapist -

I know I should spend less time on this forum. It’s keeping you fresh and alive in my mind again and I need to fully move on.

I miss you terribly, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should never speak to you again. I think I only want to see you so that you can undo the damage that you did to me, but we both know that will never happen. You won’t look at the damage or call it what it is... maybe it hurts you too much.

I’m thinking of ways to say goodbye to you for good, in my own way, alone. Maybe I’ll write you the letter I haven’t been able to sit down and cry through yet.

I wish I never met you.

Best,
PM