Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

zoiecat · May 20, 2019, 04:26 PM

You are a jerk. You left me hanging during EMDR today. I think I will cancel Thursday's session then I won't have to see you until next Thursday. I need a break from you.

May 20, 2019, 04:49 PM

I guess I'm not going to call today. I want to but I don't want to. Dammit.

LonesomeTonight · May 20, 2019, 05:35 PM

Dear T,
Tonight is a sign of why I'm not ready to cut back on sessions. But I don't want to share too much of my thoughts. I'll be safe.
Love you,
LT

SlumberKitty · May 20, 2019, 05:49 PM

Dear T:

Possible trigger:

I've been SH-ing. This is why I can't start because it's hard for me to stop. The endorphins are swimming through my body, making everything chill and alright and I don't want this feeling to end. It's probably going to be a few days in the cycle. You're going to want me to recommit to some time when I see you Saturday, aren't you?

I don't know if I can. I want to just sit here, zone out, and dissociate my way through the days. Never mind the

Possible trigger:

gauze pulling at my skin, and the athletic tape biting into my arm.

It's like can't I just feel like this any other time? This will have been my first big relapse with you. I wonder how you're going to deal with it. I know you said in the beginning that it's not about you. And it's not. But your response matters. Your lack of response might matter too. I hope you don't have nothing to say. I hope you have something helpful to say. I guess see you Saturday for better or for worse. Kit

chihirochild · May 20, 2019, 06:24 PM

Dear T,

I want to be able to cry in front of you tomorrow morning. I want you to finally get it.

-c

zoiecat · May 20, 2019, 06:32 PM

I hate you right now.

LonesomeTonight · May 20, 2019, 06:37 PM

"Is it easy to keep so quiet? Everybody loves a quiet child." --The National, "Rylan," aka my childhood. I miss and love you...

goatee · May 20, 2019, 07:22 PM

Ugh, T. After the horrific session last week, I backed away and was frozen and was okay and distant. Then I saw you today and now I’m sucked right back into it. And we didn’t resolve anything today or even talk about it much. Ugh, T, ugh... and now you’re not answering my email...

May 20, 2019, 07:50 PM

Well, I can still call tomorrow. I can come any day or time since I'm still off work all this week.

LonesomeTonight · 08:17 PM

Dear T,
Write back tomorrow morning, OK?
Love,
LT

ETA: Stupid me, thinking you'd possibly write back tonight.

LabRat27 · May 20, 2019, 08:32 PM

Possible trigger:

well I guess I'll get to find out how you react to me actually feeling suicidal
If you still disapprove of the K you're a ****ing idiot and you don't actually give a **** about me

goatee · May 20, 2019, 08:39 PM

I’m terrified of your response, T. If you even respond. I don’t know how I’ll open it and read it. Assuming you answer...

velcro003 · May 20, 2019, 08:42 PM

T: This level of anxiety going on for this long, SOMETHING has got to give. And right now I am not going to change my situation. So what else can it be? I can't do this for too much longer.

goatee · May 20, 2019, 10:06 PM

T, I guess you’re not answering me tonight. That strikes me as a bad sign. No matter how I look at it, all the different possibilities, that’s a bad sign...

circlesincircles · May 20, 2019, 10:54 PM

Are you still there?

SheHulk07 · May 21, 2019, 01:07 AM

I finally calmed down tonight after 11 PM, after being so anxious at my session today. You said I could call tonight if it stayed high, but I don't feel like its important enough to bother you late at night for. I have my ways of getting it down. That's what counts, right? Maybe I'll be less anxious tomorrow and we can talk about it then.

88Butterfly88 · May 21, 2019, 01:16 AM

Dear T,

I am sitting here at 2 AM wondering if I am a lost cause. I hope I'm not.

-Butterfly

Lemoncake · May 21, 2019, 02:28 AM

It's all just cycling trivialities.

LabRat27 · May 21, 2019, 05:05 AM

Possible trigger:

I'm having a mini fantasy in my head in which I'm your last session tomorrow and you're concerned enough to go way over time and just be there with me
Or, better, you have a session after me but you ask me to stick around/come back after because you're concerned

I swear I'm not making this up for attention
I think
I'm trying to believe myself
It's been over a year. I have urges to SH for attention and I've been honest about my conflicted motives
But I have always (truthfully) insisted that I did not have any suicidal ideation
so I wouldn't just decide to make it up for attention now, right?
I don't like that it started the week you were gone and I was feeling abandoned. It makes me question myself. But that's when the med increase triggered this, so it was an external trigger
Right?

I'm scared.
My thoughts are scaring me.

It's not fantasizing about you being concerned for attention. It's that I really really want comfort right now because I'm scared and 50 minutes tomorrow isn't going to be enough because then I'm going to be alone again

May 21, 2019, 05:28 AM

I thought I was special, the smiling and winking as you came out the door or have I misinterpreted that.

May 21, 2019, 06:50 AM

Dear T... Not looking forward to our upcoming 11 week break.

circlesincircles · May 21, 2019, 07:53 AM

Can I email you to ask you? What am I really needing/wanting in response?

Lemoncake · May 21, 2019, 09:27 AM

I just really wanted to connect with you today. but I was alone in those silences when you wouldn't respond and I felt little and ignored all over again.

chihirochild · May 21, 2019, 10:33 AM

I don’t feel seen by you.

elisewin · May 21, 2019, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by goatee

T, I guess you’re not answering me tonight. That strikes me as a bad sign. No matter how I look at it, all the different possibilities, that’s a bad sign...

You seem to suffer so much about your T's emails and lack of them. Have you considered maybe saving yourself a bit by not emailing her all the time?

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

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