Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Was it worth all the pain?? I am more heartbroken than I have ever been in life. I wish the pain would stop.

Emdr T what how do I get through this.

Dear Info,

If you were a useful therapist I could reach out to you now.

You are not a useful therapist. But we get what we deserve.

ATAT

L, was that supposed to be you dressed up as a gypsy in my dream? My psyche has lost its damn mind if so.

Eta: of course now I wish in the dream I'd listened to her but I didn't. It would be interesting to know what she was saying.

Dear T,

When I told you how neutral the language was that ex's t used, you just nodded. But later, you wove the real words into the conversation, briefly, purposely, just in passing.

I noticed, and I am grateful. I think you understand how hard it was for me to get to those words, one at a time, and I needed to set them aside for a while. So you are holding that language, those words for me until I can hold them for myself again.

This is hard.

L, don't be surprised when I call you today ok? I am pretty sure I'm gonna after starting to work w the gypsy dream.

Our conversation really helped. I thought you were angry when you wrote that you were sorry that complications in your life were hurting me. In retrospect, you must have been being factual.

I spent all of Sunday being angry because the anger blocked me from feeling the absolute pain that is sometimes inevitable due to my abandonment issues. The ideation I was having should have been a clue.

I don't know how to forgive myself, really. I suspect that my self-hatred, anger toward myself, protects me from the excruciating pain I am having now even knowing how much you aren't angry at me.

You might not believe me, but you do honestly deserve someone who can really support you because you are you .

I had an awful night last night. The whole night was just full of nonstop vivid nightmares that just really ****ed with me physically and mentally. I woke up and my anxiety was so bad. I called into work and then at 9 I called my therapist. She told me to use this as a self care day and do what I usually do. Then she told me she had an opening tomorrow afternoon. I plan on telling her about the nightmares and how my lamictal was raised last Monday and that vivid nightmares are a side effect of lamictal. I think that may be my problem. Hopefully she can help.

@@ I 2nd that.

Thanks, L.

You know, I wish I wasn’t attached, so I could just leave. I have feelings too. I’m a person too. I matter too. Do you not realize what you’re doing? Do you just not care? Actually, what does the answer to that question even matter – I can’t take this anymore. I wish I had more strength, so that I could walk away. But I don’t. And you know I’m in no position to. But you’re taking advantage of it. You’re hurting me. Our relationship isn’t the same. I’m not the same inside because I’ve given up because of you...

Tangible anger
Threatening in my stomach
Nobody died...why?

Dear T,

You've damaged me beyond repair. How could I ever trust you. You have destroyed my life...

Nope, still don't want to **** you

Ext 9 years we were together, I feel I should get a clock or something

Well, that went spectacularly badly. What now, T. What now.

I really want to ghost everyone, including you, which is a weird space for me to be in. I keep thinking about driving away with my younger ones and leaving behind my phone. I think about not coming back to therapy or any doctor's appointments and just figuring everything out on my own in a new life.

How did I let myself get so attached to you? How did I let this happen? I trusted you. I cared about you. Geez, truth is I loved you. I thought I was special to you and I thought you truly cared. In a real way. I thought I had something real with you. I thought you were such a blessing. Gosh, I feel like such a fool. I need to find the strength to walk away. But I can’t. It would be too huge a hole. I would regret it too much. I hate myself for being myself. Do you know that you’re destroying me? Why can’t you see it? I know how smart you are. And yet...

I have no one else to turn to. Oh, plenty of family and friends I have to be on for. But no one to be here for me... I’ll need to start again somehow. But it feels so daunting...

I wrote it out in an email to you, T. My email quitting seeing you. If only I could really send it... but I would miss you horrifically. I couldn’t make it through that grief and loss.

I bet you don't even know anything is wrong.

M, you hurt my feelings last week, and I woke up today strongly wanting to avoid the session this morning. Therapy is stylized and structured in the extreme, but emotions change in a quicksilver way. I guess this is the point, to see emotions like cloud watching , let them be and let them go.

Looking forward to seeing you on Thursday. Kinda wish I wasn't looking forward to it quite so much , but I am. It is what it is. Honestly it's just this one thing i wanna talk about. I don't want more therapizing. Not ruling it out in the future, but for now and the foreseeable future, I don't.

I know I’m being childish but I feel like I can’t come in to see you tomorrow unless you tell me you want me to come in. I hate feeling this way.