Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

T: after a month break, it was really important to me to have a good session that followed my list of issues to discuss. It was so kind of you to offer me extra time and I can't even begin to say how thrilling it was to decline your offer, and stick to my plan of another scheduled session this week. Secretly, I think you just wanted to hear more about the obviously big changes I've made in my internal world. Listening to myself talk, just the way I could say certain things in certain ways with the depth I could tune into; connecting the past and the present, I get it. I understand some of the ways that a new relationship pushes me to my edge and sets the stage for the kind of growth I want and the kind of connection there is. Thank you for being such a good accompanist and not hitting the wrong notes or getting the beat wrong. After 10 years, I not only get a chance to see myself with some perspective, but you too. What you do is so understated and subtle but I do *see* you. Even when you have that goofy cheshire grin wonking across your face the whole session. Get a grip, T.

My go wants to start the process of referring me to another therapist next week. I wonder what you spoke to her about after I left you kept mentioning my texts in the last meeting. I don't want to see anyone else.

I haven't reacted to a therapy session like this for a while. I am weighted by the things I didn't say hidden under the things I did say.

I know it's not my fault. I know that I am not responsible for managing another person's behavior. That was a good discussion, about the gap created by new boundaries, and filling that space.

What I didn't say: I feel damaged in a way that cannot be undone. And alone.

I didn't say it partly because it feels unbearably raw to admit, and because I feel like it's my fault that I can't positive-think my way out of it. If only I did all the self care and all the healing things the right way.... But mostly I don't say it because what can you say that will change that feeling? Nothing, really. Best to leave it alone entirely so neither of us pokes at it or bumps it accidentally.

I miss you like hell!!

Dear T,

Thanks for a good session today.

-Butterfly

It is incredibly hard trying not to contact you.

Dear T,
Thank you responding tonight, however brief. It means a lot. Some of the stuff you said today meant a lot, too. Thank you for understanding and accepting me. And for not making me feel any sort of shame for what I shared. And for saying we can't help what we think or fantasize about. How it's just what we do about it. And for understanding that it's not about *you* but about what you represent. I keep thinking of what you said about how I just want to feel wanted. It rings true. As did your Lego metaphor. Maybe you can be part of my Lego foundation?

Love you,
LT

I know you feel bad about screwing up and you want to fix this but I am just not ready. I don't know if I ever will be. I can forgive you but cannot forget.

I feel like I completely wasted your time this week, and tomorrow is our last session of the week. I don't know what's going on with me this week, and I don't know what to do about it.

For some reason, when you asked me how I was feeling every couple of seconds during an exposure task, it seemed to interrupt my experience of emotions. I'm trying to think of the most tactful way to give this feedback when we meet again next week.

It's intolerable to think I can never see you again.

Feelings are many, words are few. Roll on the 6th.

I'm nervous, but not as nervous as I used to be before bringing up this kind of topic. I'm actually kind of expecting you to handle it well and reassure me that my fears are not the case.
I guess this is progress.
Maybe I'm trusting you more.
Please please please don't let me have been wrong. This is a big thing I've been too scared and ashamed to address directly for a long time.

Dear T,

I find myself wanting to contact you, even though we just had a session. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

-C

Of course the one time that you're behind me would be the time I ****ed up my shifting... I thought "yikes, i hope no one heard that," then looked in my mirror and saw you.
Can I get a do over? I swear I normally seem much cooler.

Went to my buddy's graduation ceremony, got drunk and probably embarrassed myself as well as annoyed him... and I can't talk to you til Monday. I'm scared.

I don't know what to think anymore, exT

I really want to hate you but I can't seem to do it. But I have lost faith in you at the same time.

You addressed almost everything I wanted you to address, but I don't think you picked up on how significant the idea of CBT vs not CBT was. I didn't want to use the psychodynamic word even though you've used it before.

What did you think of what I told you about T who isn't my T? I couldn't tell if you knew who he was. I felt weird about telling you something so personal of his. But I know he'd be completely fine with it.
I didn't mention the hug though. It was relevant, but it would feel weird to talk to you about a hug from another T. Even though he's not my T so it's different.

Cried this morning because I can't go to work. Stupid body, stupid brain. It's not fair that work is my safe place. I don't understand it at all.

I think I figured out what I'm doing for my homework assignment of finding something fun to do this weekend.

Only problem is it is something I am absolutely not telling you about. I have no idea whether you'd approve (you'd certainly have some questions and reservations), but more importantly it's just something I would rather die than have a conversation with you about.

Pharma Exam on tuesday.
Flight back back to London on wens
Leave for here on sunday with kid sister in tow.
Take her to her registration thing for my school on the 5th,
Do urology exam on the 6th.
Flight back to London on the 7th to drop her off.
Come back here again- not decided yet.
Derma exam on the 14th.

So where do I fit you in?

P.s I wonder if you were actually one of the 1,130 people arrested for protesting- can totally picture it though.

I feel like we've opened up this big box of pain recently. I want to get it away from me, but I can't even figure out how to put the lid back on.

ExT i have reread yor letter to me several times I am beginning to see your care and concern for me, or maybe it's something I am wanting to see. I am crying again now

I could meet you on friday in person at my normal time when i go back, but i'm actually just scared to. It makes it more real sitting in front of you rather than when there's miles between us.

I dreamt of you last night. You were playing with me and my sister in the snow outside my house and pulling us along a red sledge.