What seemingly random things will your T not disclose?

Thought of this question because of something that came up in Monday's session. I was talking about how H and I were considering getting a pet again, so T was talking about the pluses and negatives of various pets--pluses for dogs and...snakes (?!?), more of a minus for cats. At the end of that discussion, I asked him, "So do you have any pets?" He said, "We have a few" but didn't specify, and I felt if I pushed more, he would have held that line. But that's one of those things where it's like...why? Does he think I'm going to run out and buy a matching set of pets? (If one of them is a snake, nope!) Ex-MC was open about current and past pet when we asked him. (Not sure I ever asked ex-T?) This just seemed a natural time to ask because, I mean, he was saying how great snakes can be, so it suggests he either has or had one (or knows someone with one).

Anyway, this is something that I feel would be pointless to push him on, because...what does it *really* matter? But it's just another thing that seems like a huge difference in the T relationship vs. other ones, because if I asked even a coworker if they had pets, I sincerely doubt they'd be like "a few" but not say what they were. Meanwhile, he's mentioned a couple times that his wife has ADHD, which strikes me as a much more personal thing than his pets... And he's shared some other random stuff. He also will never share anything about upcoming vacations, not even something vague, like "I'm going to the Midwest part of theh US" or "I'm going to Western Europe" or if it's a fun or a work trip. That does bother me, but I get the sense it's his boundary that he just won't cross, though he's told me after the fact where he was.

Anyway, just curious as to whether there are any random things your T seems unwilling to disclose (assuming they aren't a completely blank slate T and disclose absolutely nothing).

Haven't stumbled on anything yet, but then, I haven't really asked. 'Matching set of pets' made me chuckle, though.

I don’t ask much because I know she is reluctant to answer questions. But she brought up her cat a couple of times and I have talked about mine. So I asked her what her cats name is and she questioned me about why I wanted to know. I didn’t realize it would be such a big deal. I mean what could I possibly do or find out by knowing her cat’s name. She did eventually tell me though.

Wow, Crook...that is weird.

I haven't bumped up against anything my T won't disclose, but I also don't ask that much I'm realizing. It does seem pretty arbitrary not to disclose about pets.

She offers info about her kids sometimes when it's relevant to what I'm discussing about my kids (hers are a little bit older).

I don't see this as a situation where your T was unwilling to disclose "a random thing." He disclosed the answer to the precise question you asked but did not volunteer additional information that was not asked. In the T world and in other kinds of communication, it is considered healthy and respectful to not put information on someone that they don't need or want to know. Your interpretation of this is he is holding some kind of invisible and unarticulated boundary, so you chose not to ask any additional questions. And you go further and over-interpret that as something about you and what he was thinking.

It seems like a situation where you blamed him for not giving you what you wanted to know, when you were too afraid to ask. Sometimes what people give back to you is a function of you and how you communicate, not about them or their weird thoughts about you. I'd encourage you to check your perception out with him and see if it really was a situation where he would not have answered the question, if you'd posed it.

LT did pose the question, but he gave a vague answer. How else might LT have asked what pets he has? "Will you tell me precisely what type of pets you have and how many of each animal you have from each category of pet? I would also find it superficially interesting if you told me their names". I don't think this is how most neurotypical people make conversation (I am assuming you are neurotypical, LT, apologies if I am getting that wrong).

And to answer the question about disclosure, I have never asked my therapist a question about herself, but it doesn't stop her from disclosing all manner of tripe about herself.

I can be guilty of thinking like this and often go down the rabbit hole of thinking 'my T won't share anything with me... I hate this relationship etc etc'. and then be annoyed by it. Sometimes I feel I almost make my self annoyed before an incident happens. E.g. Once we were talking about him going on holidays for a week and how that makes me feel. I then brought up how I was annoyed as he wouldn't tell me where he was going and his response was 'But you didn't ASK me where I was going?' I realized he was right, he then shared with me, I felt more at ease and it was no big deal. I think my presumption of him not disclosing is possibly many things with on being a form of protecting myself from feeling rejected if he chooses not to answer.
It made me realize that some of his non-disclosers are because I don't specifically ask. In my head, it sometimes feels like I have but no I haven't. He can't mind read. It seems as you say many T's don't volunteer extra information they are not asked unless they see it as specifically beneficial for the client to do so. Perhaps it's just the way they are trained or perhaps it is a way of trying to make people communicate their wishes more directly.

In saying all this I can see why you would find this annoying LT. It didn't play out as a normal conversation with someone else might do. It would be interesting to see his response if you were talking about pets again next time and asked him directly if he had a snake and see what he said.

My T will often NOT reveal where she is going, when she is going out of town. It could be to a professional conference, some other kind of conference, to visit family or friends, or just to get away/a vacation. Sometimes she tells me, but we usually talk about why it's important for me to know. But she's out all next week, and wouldn't tell me where she was going.

I am learning that there is seemingly very little he would refuse to disclose. I once said "can I ask you a question?" And he replied "yes, but I might not answer it" but he's literally never refused to answer any question and he discloses other stuff I haven't asked him (while always checking if it's useful).

Oh and as for vacations, after a recent conversation about my liking to be able to place him in the world, he gave me an unsolicited detailed itinerary of his upcoming travels. Which I thought was overkill, but whatever. I appreciate the thought.

I never ran across anything a therapist wouldn't disclose, but then, I'm not a particularly nosey individual. They disclosed a great deal in the course of our time together, but I wasn't one to pry beyond what came up naturally in our regular chats.

I don't really ask my T a lot of personal questions. He volunteers a lot. I've noticed he never uses the names of anyone in his family, though he does talk about his wife and kids. I don't take it personally though, I imagine it's just a habit and probably there's good reasons for it.

With the situation in the OP--I wonder if the issue might be less about keeping this information private and more about keeping the conversation focused on the client? Like he could say "I have a snake and two cats" or something, but then he's spending your time talking about himself, and there's the chance you'll ask follow up questions which is even more time spent on something other than the client's issues. Same with vacation talk, it seems like it would be easy to end up swapping vacation stories ("I'm going to Paris," "Oh, I love Paris, I went there last year" etc etc.) and lose focus on the actual therapy work. So maybe it's about avoiding chitchat just as much as privacy or security.

I very rarely asked my Ts any personal questions about themselves, in fact I can't easily recall a single personal question to my first T (he puts a great deal on the public web so I knew more than enough). Second T disclosed quite a lot on his own and I never had the impression he was holding anything back on purpose. He talked about his pets as well.

Your T may not have a very clear philosophy on how he wants to handle self-disclosure, what sorts of things would not be revealed and what is okay... maybe he just handles it as he feels in the moment, without setting solid rules for himself. Isn't he somewhat unpredictable with some other things as well, including when he will respond to an email?

I can't think of anything where my T didn't disclose something I was asking about, but I also can't think of questions that might be 'boundary crossing'. I'd not be comfortable myself knowing where my T was going or what he was doing during his time off.
My T has mentioned far more about his personal life by himself (like how many kids he has and what gender, certain issues they have, what kind of music he likes...) than what I'd be comfortable asking about.

He does sometimes mention things that he doesn't disclose though, like 'an event that a group of friends and him went to' or that he has experienced 'similar' circumstances at certain points in his life. In those instances, it always felt like it was to not make it about him or his experiences.

I'd imagine there's certain boundaries to what I could ask, but I think if I asked something like what kind of sports he likes, he'd probably answer if we were mostly chatting and he'd not somehow think that I'm trying to avoid something else.

Disclosure of personal information is difficult with therapists since it can easily get to a point where it's about them instead of the client or where the information in some way hurts the client. I for example react a lot to personal things my T shares, most of the time not in a good way. This can be a very hard line to walk. Information like this can also change how you view your therapist unnecessarily. Imagine somebody really hates tomatoes and suddenly learns their therapist loves tomatoes. That's maybe a bad example, but this could really change the opinion somebody has of their therapist, which is neither helpful nor something that is supposed to happen, it doesn't matter for therapy at all. So sometimes not sharing stuff is a better decision.

Neither of my Ts have refused to answer questions. There have been times I have said before asking the question it is okay to not answer but they always have. Sometimes they give more details than I was seeking.

When my daughter was looking at colleges she told me she went there for a year and transferred out. The next week O told her she didnt have to answer but I wondered why she transferred. She told me about how she got married right out of high school and was attending college there as was he and many of their friends. The marriage ended very quickly and she decided it was best for everybody involved if she transferred schools.

They both told me more than I was interested in to begin with. I never asked them about anything that would be personal that I can think of. For me, it held no allure.

A few months after I met my T, I happened to ask if he had a pet. It seemed like no big deal to me, but it related to a story I was about to tell. Being relatively new to therapy at that point, I was really taken aback by his reluctance to answer what seemed like a simple, innocent question. Several sessions later when I asked again he did tell me, but as a result I have been much more cautious about the questions I ask. I’m aware that I have to be willing to hear no or to play twenty questions and possibly still not get the answer.

I find your example really funny because of my experience with T. I told T he didn’t really strike me as the pet sort... that is THE longest he has ever hesitated before answering a question! Finally he admitted that he is not and we were able to laugh.
My T is very open with me on the few things I asked about. The one thing he sometimes won’t tell me is where he is going when he goes out of town on business (no problem telling me about vacations or visits to family)... but what makes it extra funny is he will tell me we can’t meet X week because he is going to _____ and he will name the place but then no matter how I ask or how much I pester him he will NOT tell me where he is going when we are in session but will say WHY he is going and this is the only place he goes for that training... even though he already told me previously and knows I don’t forget... then when he gets back he will often say something about going to _____ and use the name again... he hasn’t figured out why I laugh now when he won’t tell me where he is going (and it is always the same place).

I am also bemused that my T will sometimes share something pretty person, but then refuse to say why he chose a huge print for the wall of the waiting room. I've found out things just from life happening- such as that my T dislikes/is allergic to dogs ( I love them), bc the office down the hall brought one and let it wander the floor. His face told all, so then he sheepishly confessed . He nodded to my dog stories, and gave no sign before that. That is when I realized therapy is a strange interaction.

Oh, and I haven’t found anything yet that Pdoc won’t answer, not that I have gotten too creative... but I have met her husband and two of her kids. We talk a lot about family, more so than T who tends to be more protective of family, especially his wife.

I don't really ask a lot of questions. If she mentions something, I might ask a follow up question relating to the topic, though. I don't think I've asked her anything she's refused to answer. She wouldn't refuse anything dumb like stuff about pets. I know she has a dog and I know his name, and also the name of her previous dog who passed away. She also had a cat who passed away last year. I can't remember her name.

I guess the only thing similar to refusing to answer is when I have prefaced a confession of having acted out by saying she isn't going to like it or that she might be angry. This isn't really about seeking reassurance but about preparing her to hear something unpleasant so that she can brace herself to not lose her temper at me. However, she sort of answers as if I asked a question or want reassurance, which is fine, because it gives her time to probably think up the worst thing I might have done. She has time to prepare her special unemotional, dead voice that she uses when she's mad. Anyway, she sort of beats around the bush. She usually says something about it not being her place to be angry blah blah. Which, if I had meant what I said as a question, would sort of be her refusing to answer whether she might get mad.

I don't think she's ever refused to answer a question about herself. I guess I've never really asked a lot of questions, except as general chit-chat or follow up from our chatting from the session before. I do know she has a cat, bakes cookies with her grandkids, she sometimes mentions broadly where she's traveling to and why, but it's just things we've chatted about, not that I've really asked.

LT, I'm curious, a little, why you equated that vagueish answer with non-disclosure. I'd have taken it to be more along the lines of not wanting to get off track into pet chat. Ha!--especially if he actually has a snake, which can get quite a reaction from people.

T seems pretty open to me so I haven't run into any questions that he won't answer. I really try not to ask much though because I am terrified of hitting one of those boundaries.