What seemingly random things will your T not disclose?

I think they probably make it up as they go along. Mine won't disclose much but will randomly throw me the odd crumb occasionally... for instance, last year he told me where he was going on holiday. I once asked him what he did before he became a therapist and he wouldn't answer. He said that him answering might inflame my ET, but I couldn't work out whether he meant my ET could be inflamed by the simple act of him answering my questions or by me knowing what his job was before becoming a therapist.... I mean, what could he have possibly done that would be that good?!

More recently we had a small rupture because he left something out that wasn't supposed to be and it answered another question which I'd asked him a while back, which he had refused to answer. I found it the whole thing quite upsetting, not the thing so much but the hiding and the pretence and the not being able to know the person. I've been seeing him for a really long time and I feel close to him but this whole charade kills me. I've nearly left a couple of times because of it.

I don't ask my T much about her life, since we're usually focused on my problems. I've asked some questions but can't remember if there were any she directly refused to answer. Sometimes I wish I knew more about her but other times I'm glad I do not.

That's the thing, my T will often chat with me about stuff. Even today, I was saying something and he was like, "Oh that reminds me of this funny commercial." So I asked about it, and he shared. We've chatted about movies, TV shows, political stuff (once he finally revealed he shared views with me). Honestly, I think that's what's difficult about it, how we can just chat about things some of the time, and it can just feel like a normal relationship, then suddenly I'll say or ask something, and it's like BOUNDARIES UP! I suppose that can happen in a friendship or romantic relationship, too, but this just seems especially glaring.

yeah
if someone asks if you have pets it’s pretty well implied they want to know more details than “yes,” and if a client asks a question it is obvious they don’t see the therapist answering that question with 6 or even 10 more words as an imposition on their therapy time. just “yes” is so awkward. Less awkward maybe because it is your therapist but in regular conversation I would expect a little bit of elaboration

however if my conversation partner didn’t understand this I would simply just ask what kind as a follow up, even my therapist

oops! double post

wtf?!?

this absolutely just made my day!

Exactly! Was he a masseur? Underwear model? Porn star?

I've never asked my T a personal question. she discloses fairly easily, though. I want the focus on me!

also to answer your question, not much. he has been cagey about a few things but I don’t remember what now. usually he answers and elaborates. last time he was telling me an anecdote that involved a gun and i asked if he had guns and he said yes and told me all the types and models and where tbey came from. He shares a lot.

That's how they build rapport and trust. They learn all this in schooling. It isn't a friendship but being a rock who just sits there quietly, isn't very helpful either. So they usually at least try to be engaging. They do it with everyone, sadly.

It's the sad part of therapy but the part I remind myself constantly so I don't get sucked into the fantasy of it all

And it's harder for you because you are strongly attached. Thats the perk of lessening the distance/attachment, it's hard at first but it does get easier to deal with stuff like this.Ya this is a weird boundary but to be fair, he doesn't have many with you, so I guess I'd be happy with that. He's obviously not the type to share loads of stuff, so I guess just be aware and try not to ask much about it, stay focused on the things you need to work on.

For the first part, yes, I know the chatting helps build rapport and trust. I wouldn't want a T who wouldn't engage in at least a little of that. But my T is also good at making sure that doesn't take up much of the session. If we end up in a chatting place, after a few minutes, he might say something like, "So, are we just going to talk about TV shows today?" or something. Which, I mean, it's my session, he's said I can talk about what I want to. But I'm also not paying him to discuss TV.

Yes, this last part is why I didn't bother asking more about the pet question. Because I know I need to focus on other things. Talking about stuff regarding my dad the last two sessions has been much more productive to overall than if I'd spent half a session trying to get him to tell me what pets he has and why that's important. I do end up having to talk some about the therapeutic relationship, because I need to feel able to trust him, to feel "safe" with him, in order to delve into the deep stuff, like I've done this week. But I don't need to know the kind of pets he has to trust him or not.

LT, I am not sure but perhaps there is less meaning in all this than you are trying to find, at least as far as the Ts behavior goes. To me it just sounds like normal human behavior with its often random and inconsistent nature. I think many clients expect Ts to be kinda superhuman consistent but it's just not going to happen, in part because so many choices and actions are made unconsciously in the moment. Didn't he say a couple times when you questioned him about some things that he didn't/doesn't think about it nearly as much as you do? Of course then we can become conscious of it and analyze it, but that won't prevent it from happening in the future. Just how the brain works.

I feel it's sad you don't really trust him after this long of time.... but I guess it makes sense for some people. I really recommend that book I linked you on FB. I got my copy and it's awesome. Very helpful to explaining all the attachment types in detail and gives exercises in practicing how to handle situations better with each type. I am finding it useful.

I am sorry if my posts seem harsh, I am just a direct type person. I don't really know how to be supportive very well in other ways. I also just see how much this relationship seems to overtake you sometimes and it saddens me I've been there, you've been there with the other T.... I personally think his week vacation will be good for you. It will be good time to put your skills you've learned to use and to focus more on you. A week goes by much faster than we think if we stay busy, mentally.

Hope you and your family are well and have a great Sunday

Accidental double post, sorry

Can I know the book title? I'm very interested in learning more about attachment styles in detail.

I stop myself from asking my T questions because I have an inherent feeling it is in approiate, but she has slowly disclosed more to me over the years, which has helped. But i do remember asking her once how she was and she just started talking about the weather. I think not knowing much about her life is a good thing for me because i reckon i would use that information against her and deem her incompetent or too priviledged to be my therapist.

Oooh I find this thread very interesting! I’m not sure where I’d hit my T’s boundaries. I’m very attached to him and therefore very curious about his personal life. I asked a few personal questions which he’s answered (even when I really thought I was crossing a line), such as whether he has kids or not, where he’s going on holiday (followed by a couple of minor details, such as how he’s getting there or what he thought of the scenery). He has told me stories about some of his friends before (using their names), and also told me of times in his life when he felt like I’m feeling. So I guess he’s pretty open. I found out his divorced (not from him), but I would never ask him about that, I’d feel too bad. I also know that he has a dog and sometimes smokes.

To be fair, I’d probably find the way he holds his fork interesting if I got the chance to see him eat, so I don’t know what an expected amount of self disclosure is.

Maybe a client gave him the picture. Last week as part of grounding Emdr T askes what I saw. I pointed out a picture on the wall. She told me that a former client gave it to her and what it represented. She told me the only reason she was telling me anything was because when the client gave it to her, she asked if it would be okay to tell future people where she got it.

Did the older daughter have an unique name so he figured it would be easier to track down?

I can't remember if I've already said this answer. Sometimes, but not all the time, my T will tell me where she's going to be, when she's out of town. She's out of town this week, and wouldn't tell me where she was going. Due to some other things going on in my life right now, this is very upsetting to me. I know when she left town and I know when she's slated to return, and I know who is covering emergencies for her. I want more. I am depressed. I don't know exactly why I want to know where she is. I just do.

No. It was actually a very very common first name. The youngest, who’s name she would say all the time wasn’t as popular as a name. It wasn’t unique per se, but it was a slightly less popular name.

I wonder if it was at the daughter's request? She might've asked her mom not to mention her by name. I can totally see a teen asking for that, feeling like it gives a little bit of privacy.

This thread is interesting! My therapist is open about his life and family and shares personal stories when they relate to mine. The only time I can think that he wouldn't answer, we were chatting about cars because I was vehicle shopping and I asked what he drove. He wouldn't answer! I thought it was funny and called him out and he said something like, yeah that's weird that I didn't want to answer that, I'll have to think about why that was. The next time we talked he said he thinks it was because he was a little frustrated that I was talking about cars instead of what he saw as the important thing we should have been talking about (which I was avoiding). He did tell me what he drove in the end.

It's a bizarre answer to a simple question.

It's anti-social and creepy.

Seems therapists often model anti-social behavior, but it's waved off by just saying the word "boundaries".

I don't see the point of focusing on the therapist's response, or OP's reaction to it. It's the unnatural, clinical-personal relationship itself that is the problem.

It's also a good example of therapy creating a problem out of nothing, requiring a bunch of wheel spinning, and even 8 pgs (so far) of analysis in this thread.

Just remember the relationship you have with your therapist is NOT like that of others. They are not even an acquaintance. Please keep this in mind. It is not for them to develop a personal connection with you. Professionally, they are required to remain uninvolved. So don't expect to know anything personal about them. Please don't put them in the difficult position by expecting such or asking. Please. Please respect their job and professionalism. If they feel it appropriate then and only then will they divulge things about themselves.

About the only thing personal I know about my psychiatrist is that he has a young adult son who is headstrong and lacking in responsibility. It was worded simply as, 'If only he had a little of the motivation your son has' and we left it at that. It was more of a positive comment on my life than telling me about his own. The closest to having a personal relationship is that he has a painting of mine on his wall - and this he purchased.

The only thing I know about my therapist is that she practises an earth based approach to her spirituality. We have not discussed this but I know this based on objects I recognise as such placed about her room. I doubt most people would. The closest I have gotten personal with her is that I brought an eagle feather for inclusion amongst these objects in her office. I made it clear it was not a gift to her but to her other clients.

I know there will be many who disagree with me. But that line we do not cross of professionalism must start somewhere. For me it is strict. Others though may find it a softer line with some grey area. Regardless though, it is up to your mental healthcare professional to make that line clear about what they divulge and what they absolutely won't. It is your job to respect that. If they wish you to know anything they will tell you but it is your job to respect their professionalism, and not ask. We shouldn't no matter how much we might wish to, jeopardize their job.