Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I emailed
I can't focus
I know this is PTSD stuff
I can normally focus through this - function through it
I don't want to anymore
I'm tired

I told you she wouldn't come because she doesn't care. I feel that if she did, she would do this stuff she says she needs to do now so she could come. She just doesn't want to. I wish I could go see her, but I can't for several reasons. I feel so far away from anyone who cares about me. I could disappear from this town and nobody would notice.

Why the eff didn't you set a clear schedule when we first mentioned a schedule change. I trusted you! Now it's all back to square #1. I need to feel SAFE, not CHALLENGED.

I get why you don't respond to all of my emails but I still wish you would.

I'm happy you gave me the chance, opportunity to explain more of the break up of my relationship with my former boyfriend,.

My throat hurts! You shouldn't have fun when my throat hurts! How dare you! I'm going to act out when you get back and then lie about why I'm doing it so you don't know it's because I'm mad that I missed you when you were gone!

Screw you!

Maybe it's time to say goodbye ?

Dear T: I don't think you take me seriously. I don't think you take my pain seriously. Do you even care about me? Am I allowed to have the expectation that you will care about me?

Feeling a wave of grief.

Spending a lot of time feeling really sorry for myself.

It's a monumental task and somebody's got to do it.

That was the BEST hug. I felt your hand on my back. I felt you holding me.

PS - thank **** I have you. You are a ray of light in the darkness, and a sweet, adorable human. I hope you enjoyed whatever indoor pursuit you were so excited about doing this afternoon.

enjoy your break from me

Well, I'm going to have to cancel my appointment on Tuesday because that's when the movers are available. You shouldn't have waited to schedule my sessions until everybody else had scheduled theirs! I hate you!

T,
I'm thinking about you outside of session and wishing for comfort from you a lot more than I have in a while. Even though I'm thinking about T who isn't my T a lot too.


T who isn't my T,
I think I might need to pull back from you. But I don't know if that's me being rational and knowing myself too well or whether that's me denying myself being cared about, telling myself it's bad and wrong and forbidden because I want it.

I cant afford the $25 to see you this week or the next

And I refuse to ask for a lower rate . Especially given what has occurred recently over our talking about rates. I am unwilling to pay less. I fear you think I am ungrateful.

Last time you asked "are you gonna be okay? Are you gonna be safe? I care about you"

You havent said any of those things in a long time. I appreciated your concern. But I dont want you to worry . I always end up okay .. dont i?

I still feel like a broken cog in society's machine. I can't help thinking that if I improve enough, it'll only be just enough to be a good cog and nothing else.

Dear T,
Well, I managed to get a haircut. It was really quick and not that great, and I imagine (depending on how it looks by then) you might make some comment about it Monday. But, I got through it (the whole...10 minutes?) without a panic attack, so I guess that's something? Maybe can do actual salon next time...
Love,
LT

Do you have to be part of society's machine at all? There are countercultures.

ExT I am sorry for that. Clearly I am fully functional adult and don't suffer from transference in any way. Sarcasm

I keep having these moments of deep guilt and I’m scared that I’m going to fall into the abyss.

You're a dummy!

I really want to email you.

Ugh. I just wish I could hear your voice right now.