Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Dear T--I feel like you let me down in some way. Like you did your job with the risk assessment but you didn't seem to take my pain seriously. I'm all alone now and want to cry but I'm at work so that would be bad. Why couldn't you have shown me a bit of compassion?

Also, could you please get my name right? It's a small thing but obviously very personal.

And when I see you next week, I plan on telling you something that is a secret and painful and I don't want you to make it no big deal. Because it's a big deal to me.

Dear R,

I'm not ready to come back.

Dear T,
Not sure what's going on with me...I think the talk about disclosure/lack thereof may have triggered something?

Love,
LT

I cannot shake the feeling that I have worn you out and that you're close to taking email away from me. I really really really hope I'm wrong. I like to think you'd tell me if this was the case - that we'd talk about it first or something - that there'd be some warning. I've been emailing a lot because this topic is SO hard, and it's shaken up SO many feelings.

Today was so hard. I am scared about having already sent you an email. I hope it's ok. I kept it adult. I kept it not needy. In reality, I'm over here crying and desperately wishing you were here and feeling like you are SO far away and like you don't care anymore... but I know that's not true... just

a mess
but you have got to be tired of my mess...

I cannot. shake. this feeling. that you want to be done with me.
I hate this feeling.

Thanks for the caring reply.

Love,
LT

Just tell her "actually I go by ...". It would drive me nuts if my therapist got my name wrong or spelled it wrong (my name has several ways to spell it). Sometimes he uses just my initials in emails (and once on the phone) and I'm still not sure how I feel about that. Your name is very personal. I don't think she will take offense if you correct her.

T, how the heck do I work this out with IOP and you when disclosing information about SH or SI? Do I tell them first then you? You first then them? Just you? Just them? Whoever I see first that day? But you did say to look at it as this is what I need and they had a meeting specifically about getting me in this program. So I shouldn't feel guilty or worried about saying what I'm dealing with but I'm scared of a negative response like the last hospital.

ExT I have put the money I used to spend on you into making my house feel safe for me. I think it is making a difference. I spent all that effort in trying to make you change your room to make it feel safe for me.
I still miss you.

I feel like this

Thank you for talking me through another mini breakdown, you have no idea how much you helped me. The only problem is, your kindness just makes me want you more.

Dear T,
I'm not sure what to talk to you about today. I'm not sure how to explain the feelings if I'm not certain where they came from. Clearly I was triggered by something. Hopefully we can figure out what it was together. Maybe the "steel trap" thing is part of it?
Love,
LT

I’m not sure what’s going on with me. I don’t know why I’ve been different lately, but I hope we can figure it out.

So are you laughing at me or what?

You probably aren't... you are on vacation, so I am probably safe.

Dear T--if I tell you I'm depressed will you take it seriously? Don't blow it off please, just because I'm "high functioning" or capable of making "positive choices" whilst depressed.

Hi
I'm not emailing you
I want you to have a break from me
And, besides... I feel like I should be alone with this

I can't focus. Or work. I should've called out, to be honest.
I am sad, and I don't know why or what about.
I want to sleep.

Thank you for your email. I wasn't expecting a reply to that one.

I feel resentful that you've gone off on vacation this week of all weeks. I want to do something mean and childish to you, but I can't think of what that would be. Maybe push you into a pool fully clothed. Or pour a cooler of ice cold water on you. No... neither of those quite fit... I think I want to vandalize your office.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's extra session. Some of the things you told me about how you're trying hard to have this relationship end well, to not have me repeat some bad relationships (like ex-MC) meant a lot to me. You're really trying. You're far from perfect, but you're trying. And I think that's what I needed to hear. That your choices in handling my therapy are an attempt to avoid leaving me hurt in the end. Not a rejection. I guess maybe it's sort of like the good-enough parent, in a sense?

Love you,
LT

Dear T,
Also, what was up with the fish (marlins?) shirt today? Had very Hawaiian shirt vibes, and not in a good way. Like something you'd wear in Key West, not...where we are. Then again, I wasn't in my best attire today (need to do laundry).

Love,
LT

Dear T: I need you today. I don't know how I am going to make it until Monday. I suppose I must though. Hopefully the week will go by quickly.

Go jump in a lake and thanks for nothing!

I remember an episode of WKRP when the theme was "Cincinnati: Surf City USA!"

It wasn't a great thing to do today, drive past your rooms. I haven't driven past your rooms for a week. It has just made me miss you more. I really want to drop in and ask you what it was I did so wrong that you never want to see me again.