Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I'm trying to breathe thru it
I noticed that when I feel very bad , and an intense thought comes on accompanied with the crashing wave of grief/depression/rage ... pain .. I start to hold my breath

So today I am trying to breathe thru it.

It's like you're in the ocean, and the waves are small nice waves , then the storm comes and the waves get huge and scary ... you dont just stand there and let each wave crash into you until you ultimately drown

You're supposed to dive into it and swim thru it to resurface on the other side. And storms dont last forever, so if you have the strength and stamina , you'll survive til the storm ends

But I feel like that's not the end to the story . What actually happens when the storm passes? The important question is , was it worth it to survive?.....


But yea just breathe thru it

Dear T,
I imagine you suspect I'm terminating tomorrow. You're probably right. Or at least I need to take a break. I can't keep doing this.
LT

Dear T,
But I also don't want to leave. I value our relationship. I don't know what to do.
LT

I think your carpet smells old and weird.

Dear R,

I can develop transference for anyone.

I spent an hour with the pharmacist where i've worked on and off for since I was 16. I went after he told
my brother that he wanted to see me. I started to cry in front of him and he was so nice. He said that he was proud of me, and that I'd go far that he was so happy to see that both my brother and I had blossomed from when we first started to work for him.

As he spoke i pictured him
being my father. He told me to
come back before I left and I might go back tomorrow.

I am missing you a lot this week. What's the meaning? Will you help me figure it all out? How much love from me can you take?

Treble Clef,

I could use some support right now.

-Butterfly

Today I googled your name as I on occasion do when I am really missing you. There will never be anything new bit I miss you. I tried to call the number that came up for your private practice. I half expected that P would still have it. I was wrong, it has been disconnected. I miss you so much. I keep writing (and not sending of course) emails to you.

Dear new T,
I looked you up I'm not impressed. Hopefully you won't retire soon and your ready to deal with my ****.

MM

My feelings are all weird and... I don't know. Maudlin doesn't seem quite the word, but it's close.

I think I need to leave you. It hurts like hell, but I think I have to. I suspect you'll be relieved to be rid of me.
LT

Ugh I hope ur not mad at me

I’m seeing her tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks. I’m going to the same vacation spot in a few days that she was just at. So I assume we are going to be talking about that. I haven’t gotten a refill for my Xanax yet. The pharmacy hasn’t heard back from my doctor yet. He does this every time. It’s nothing new. It’s too risky bringing it up to her. I don’t want her to think I’m an addict or something. So I probably won’t mention it to her and hope she doesn’t mention it either. I’m not sure she’ll mention my weight loss or my eating habits unless I bring them up. Again I’m not sure I will. But I’m wondering if I’m not being as honest with her as I should be. Maybe I should be telling her more.

Pdoc,
Please have a cancellation tomorrow. I don't have the courage to keep calling. If not tomorrow I will probably wait my turn.

MM

I hate it when I feel things that I can’t name because I don’t understand them. Why can’t you just follow me around and help me sort out my life? :P

I have to reply to your email reply. I canceled my last appointment with you because my back went out and I physically couldn't make it. You said to get back to you to reschedule. Here's the thing: I don't want to. I don't want to reply at all. But, that's not how an "adult" should handle that, is it? I'm not sure why I feel like this. I haven't felt like not seeing a T for a very very long time, so this is weird. I'm not sure this isn't just a "mood". I've felt like this for over a week now, so I would think my "mood" would have passed by now. Somehow, I need to come up with the words to tell you I do not want to schedule another appointment. Not right now. Maybe I'll feel differently in 2 weeks, or 6 weeks, or 6 months. Can we leave it open?
Maybe I'm going thru another "shutting down" phase where I just do not want to talk. I know I have stopped sharing anything with my H. I come home from work and he always asks about my day. "Nothing new" has been my answer for the last 2 or more weeks. It's not worth the discussion and the reliving the aggravation I get thinking about my sh***y job. Best I just come home and forget about it.

The anger is present, but not at you. I'm having a hard time with it. See you tomorrow.

I hate you for going on holiday. It's your fault that I saw the other therapist and it's your fault that it has made me feel worse. It's your fault that she said there are multiple red flags in your behaviour and it's your fault that I still want to carry on seeing you. It's your fault that I miss you and it's your fault that you love me. It's your fault that I will get drunk tonight. It's not your fault that I need to organise extensive repairs on my leaking roof, but I am happy to blame you anyway. It is your fault that I hate my job and it is your fault that the weather is too hot.

Hi. Love you like you wouldn't believe this week. Miss you intensely.

Dear R,

I dreamt of you last night.

I was supposed to have a session with you, but I ended up getting lost on the way despite leaving on time. I began to cry, after realising that I should have gone the other way, I called you in the end with 20 mins of our session to go. You said I never normally called you but we talked.

So you never responded to my text from Friday which is actually okay. My weekend was horrible and I tried my best to stay present and somewhat busy. I texted you at a low point and told you it was okay if you didn't get it or respond. What I'd frustrating me is that you have not sent a reminder text about my appointment tomorrow and to make sure I am okay. I keep trying to remind myself is that it would not be the first time you sent the reminder text at dinner time even though it is normally around lunch time. The is a piece of me that is worried you are upset because of me texting you. That isnt how you have ever operated but what if it is now??

I also dont know how to approach what is going on. So much has happened and just thinking about talking about it makes me feel like vomiting, nauseaus, and light headed. It will take more than an hour to l do with but that is all I have tomorrow.

I neeeeeeeeeed yooooooouuuuuu

Should I ask for my session on the 29th back?

I have no words. I know I will just sit and cry.

I still have my exam on the 2nd.

You joked about offering a service to T's about their digital footprint - I know you've gone back to your hometown because I saw your mother's facebook post.

Dear T,

I miss you. It feels like you’re the only good thing I have to go back to after this vacation is over. I don’t like needing you like this.

Not sure if I’ll have the courage to tell you this.

-c