Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I already know what you are going to say so much so that I can totally hear you saying it.

hi art! Nice to see you back

thanks velcro!

So, I totally loved the way we laughed together today when I told you that realization/acceptance I have reached. What a real moment that was. Thank you. I kinda like this being so real and one with my body stuff. I wish we could have kept talking for about another 3 hours, though.

and you totally surprised me there at the end. totally and completely. damn. in a good way.

I get this sense that I’m not doing therapy right. Before each session I think I’m really going to be open and learn how to make changes, and then I get there and..........nothing comes out. I can tell it’s me. I trust you as much as I think is appropriate for the relationship, but it’s like everything just gets stopped up. I sit down and immediately feel defensive and argumentative. I don’t know why I flatly refuse to answer certain types of questions—I understand why you’re asking and I appreciate your intent—and the fact that I’m acting like an imbecile by refusing is not lost on me. Despite what my behavior suggests, I genuinely want your help. I just seem to not know how to engage in the process. I fear you will give up before I figure it out.

Ha!
8 char

Dont worry about meeeeeee

Jk I want u to think abt me at all times

I'm realizing more and more how delusional I really am when it comes to our relationship. I know I can be over the top, but deep down inside, I know you can never love me. I just need you in my life right now, I need to have something to look forward to. I love you and probably always will, I hope you're ok with that.

Nothing either of us can do to change the past, but realising how the situation happened is doing a number on me. My defences were down, as they would be, and they made their move. That's really frigging hard to take.

It's funny how no matter how much I can know something in my head, my heart hasn't accepted it and hopes for something different. I KNOW that to you I'm just a client. I have no misunderstandings around that. I know I'm one of several, that I pay you and it will never be anything else. I know you genuinely care, that isn't under question, but I know and respect the limitations of our alliance. I've never believed differently. And yet...my heart seems to. My heart still hurts at the realisation you have children who you see every day and care for in a way you'll never care for me. It hurts to consider the idea that you will never be anything other than a therapist. It hurts that you will never be truly a part of my life, in terms of the everyday. My heart believes in something special and wants to be your no 1. It's crazy. As I read someone say somewhere, that's the beauty and the tragedy of the therapy relationship. I wish I could talk to you about how I feel about all this but I can't. The issue came up once, ages ago, if you remember, when you had an emergency re one of your kids. That hurt so much I vowed never to talk about it. And I never have because what's the point? I expect you will say all feelings are important, they all matter, and you told me at the time that it wasn't stupid and you understood how I felt about you mentioning your child. But it still feels a horrible and absolutely impossible place to go. My head knows it won't change anything and it's time to just stop being so silly. T is my T, not a parent! My heart says differently...I miss you T, I've not having a good day/

Dear T: the last two appointments haven't been the best. But oddly, I'm looking forward to our appointment in approx two weeks. I'm ready to try again. Kit

at a concert, alone. i wonder if you decided to come or to stay home and avoid all your clients you’ll see

I'm so tired. I can't do this any more...

To my psychiatrist.: One I really am grateful for you being understanding that due to my oral surgery I need my antidepressant meds to be in liquid form. Two You called up my pharmacy and I just need to pick up my meds. Three The pharmacy is across the street from where I live.

You will rue the day.

I think maybe I will cancel our appointments this week.

It feels like it's all pointless, everything. You can't save me, you can't make anything okay. It's all just stupid pathetic effing b-locks

I meant what I said you know. I really, truly did but all of it, not just the first part. It doesn't work without the 2nd part. I hope you clearly heard all of it. I'm pretty sure you did.

And hey. You so did not have to "drag it out of" me (my dream)!! I just had a lot on my agenda for that session! I could have used a 4 hour session, y'know. ha. After almost 8 years I still don't know how to know where I'm supposed to start when there's several things that want to 'go first'.

Would you hold my hand?

Dear T,
I'm not sure what to say to you tomorrow. I almost want to cancel. But I won't.
LT

Trying to write an article about one facet of my experience on a very short deadline. Am I a masochist? Probably.

I'm afraid about our next appt. I'll try to be honest with you...

Retake exam on Friday.

I'm just so tired and I have no words.

Had a very interesting dream last night L and in it we were talking and I referred back to what i told you the other day, the whole thing was so very real. It was one of those dreams that felt so real part of me almost wants to ask if you were dreaming about me at the same time and our dream-selves literally met in some dream-place. I'd never voice that out loud of course, but part of me enjoys wondering. Maybe I'll write something like that into my core project for this writing course.

and yet here I am.