Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Dear T

I have never said no before. I have never said I know what care means or I know the expectation that comes with care and I'm not willing to do it. I have only ever gone along or said yes. this is new,

Dear T,
Reading your email now with a different tone in my head. You didn't have to mention how you were looking forward to continuing our work Monday, but you did. And you were trying to reassure me by saying you had no plans to be away this long again in the foreseeable future. I can't expect perfection from you, for you to read my mind. And your wishing me an excellent day--that's you saying you hope I feel better. Does it matter that "excellent" seemed beyond what I'd be able to achieve? You certainly didn't know I had my car in the shop or that I slept poorly (especially as I'd emailed before I even went to bed). Maybe you're just trying to express your wishes for me, that you want me to have a great day, not just an acceptable/tolerable one. Maybe I'm just looking for reasons to be like "f you" because it's easier than missing you. Which I do.
Love you,
LT

ExT we had the best "disagreements" didn't we. I think in the end it was all about the them I wanted you to acknowledge that you were the other person with opinions and judgements in the room.

I dreamt of you. You went to a spa in Thailand .

T,
I guess that makes you Cindy Lou Who.
Lrad

T, today it’s getting hard. I thought that with the big stress gone I would do better with you being away. This week it feels like I need you more than ever.

Day 1:

I miss you but I'm not sad.

Mainly just feeling grateful that you're my T even after everything I do and say.

p.s= totally back to being in love with you.

imissiloveyouiwantyouwah

Now that I feel all warm and fuzzy after last week, I’m more worried about the upcoming break. What if I lose the feeling of connection? What if something happens and I never see you again? It’s frustrating to have all these thoughts running through my head.

My 'window' of tolerance is more like a peephole. I really need to work on letting people in.

Oh look, it's Sunday! It must be time for another excruciating email. You brought this one on yourself of course, just like all the other ones in fact.

Day 2:

I miss you today.

The only thing I've done is just gym.

My flight is at 5.30pm tomorrow.

No idea if I've made the right choice in going back and if I could have really done my exam on tuesday. I return on the 28th so that's 22 days in total when I've normally just stay 5-6 days and I think 14 days is the most I've done in a few years.

I can relate to this!

Dear Ex-Therapist -

I’m sure you received my closure letter by now. It’s been a week. I thought I’d feel more of a release but I’m afraid I’ve kept our connection more alive by contacting you. Should I expect a response? Will you send it back unopened?

Why is true closure so difficult? Why am I still bleeding more than a year later? After everything I’ve been through, why is therapy my most traumatic memory?

I’ve been ready to move on for a long time. Im going to take a break from the boards. Let’s see how good of a job I can do putting you in my past.

Best,
PM

Dear T;

You know so much about me now. Yet so little. I trust you but letting you in is not easy, please remember that.

Dear T,
I wanted to feel reconnected to you today. Instead, I feel p***ed. You're not willing to change your routine to stand while I leave? Even though I'm sobbing about it? And you don't want to have to think about what you say when I leave? R is looking more and more appealing...
LT (not feeling the love today)
PS--I did feel loved by your fish! Hi, Candy! (I'm just gonna name her myself.)

I think you were right when you said you think my mask is finally slipping. How can it have taken this long???

You're right. I'm actively avoiding reading the book. I'll probably just give it back to you and admit that I'm a failure.

I felt so quiet and closed last week and tired like I just wanted to curl up and sleep on your couch. Thanks for helping me by drumming, you always know when I need that. Anyway I hope I don't feel like that this week. I've been sleeping again at least, and had 2 very vivid dreams again. Finally!

I signed a paper saying my therapist and my mom could talk about scheduling concerns. Nothing else. Today my therapist started mentioning my brother and saying “your mom told me he’s lower functioning then you are.” So much for just talking about scheduling concerns. Now she seems REALLY interested in my relationship with my brother and I didn’t want to go in that direction with my therapy. It’s frustrating me that she didn’t stick to what we agreed to. And I don’t want to get mad at my mom but I did also tell her as well to only talk about scheduling the appointments since I don’t drive and don’t talk about anything else. I’ve been falsely diagnosed with things before because my moms gotten too chummy with the therapists and doctors.

I try so hard not to reach out to you when I am struggling. I know you have a history of not always responding to me (except when T passed and you were amazing). The last couple of weeks have been really painful but I have white knuckled it and refrained for texting or calling you. Today I couldnt do it any more so texted a message asking for a xouple of minutes of your time. You completely ignored me. Just like my dad ignored me for so many years. This is all after a session where we discussed me needing connection with people and sbandonment. Eventually I decided that my dad didnt care about me and wrote him off. Right now I want to skip our appointment tomorrow.....next week you are on vacation. I there somebody out there who can helo me through this hell??

I'm so so disappointed with what you have done, it has destroyed my trust in you, I may stop seeing you which will be a huge loss as I had felt that you were a fantastic therapist and it was so beneficial seeing you, and it is very hard to find a fantastic therapist.

I miss you so much, I really do.

Dear T,
I'm scared about what you'll say in response to my email. Maybe you'll choose the safe route and just say we should discuss in session Thursday. Rather than replying. But then part of me wants you to say more. Even if you just said you're sorry I'm struggling so much with this. I'm just worried you'll make it about you and your feelings. And that's not what I'm paying you for.
--LT

Dear T,
F*** you.
LT