Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I can't believe you won't take this lovely cat, you Judas.

Ignore her, she doesn't know her own mind. Take the cat to her office anyway. "Kitty, meet Judas. Judas, meet Kitty". Since it's not your cat, it is not your responsibility to take the cat away. Kitty stays. Checkmate, Judas!

Dear T,

OK, good, you're alive (at least as of a few minutes ago) and presumably back in town (or expect to be in time for my session). Anxious about session...you'll probably be tired and wearing your glasses (you tend to be right after vacation). Hope this goes OK...
Love,
LT

T,

I know I said I was ok without a response to my email and I know our agreement doesn’t include responses from you, but I’m not coming tomorrow unless you respond. Even then I’m not sure I’m coming. Please help me stop emailing you because I feel like such a fool afterwards. If I decide to come, I definitely don’t want to talk about it.

Lrad

It's only been a week, but I ****ing miss you like crazy.

Dear T,
Well that session certainly turned into a mess. I feel like maybe you have trouble when I stand up for myself. And when I call you out on things. Good to know you don’t resent me, I guess? And that you don’t dislike me? Still not feeling too good about our relationship right now...
LT

I'm holding back a lot from you, as amazing as that probably seems. The truth is, you're just perfect in my eyes. Physically, mentally, emotionally perfect. And that doesn't mean I believe you have no flaws, because I know you do. I also know you have suffered massively in your life, because you share bits at times when I need to hear that. You're real, you're vulnerable, you're imperfect - and that makes you perfect. It makes you beautiful. I don't see that in myself really. I have tried to. Other therapists have pointed this out and I have started to think...well maybe I have some good points. But I still have a poor self image, overall. I hate the way I look, whereas you are exceptionally attractive. I'm not charismatic, whereas you are. I'm no good at conveying warm and empathy, whereas it just radiates from you. I'm not that intelligent, but I know you are exceptionally brainy.

I know it's pointless and devastating to compare ourselves with anyone; it's a recipe for emotional disaster. But I can't help it. I feel this intense kind of love for you and it's not just because I want a nurturing figure in my life, it's also because you are everything I'd want to be and I'm not. I don't know how to reconcile that. I think this is the purpose of the intense and at times bordering on erotic transference - it's wanting to merge with all that you are, because you are beautiful, inside and out.

How could I be anything like you? I'm just not, I never will be.

God it's so hard.

"We still have work to do!!". You aren't listening.

Dear former T: In two days it will be a year since we last spoke on the phone. A year since my last appointment. I still have your name it's fading but you can still see it. I'll email you on the year anniversary and hopefully you will respond. I wish I could say I am better in this past year. I wish I could say I'm doing great. But I'm not. IDK if I would have been doing any better if I was still seeing you. My depression just doesn't let up. It's devouring me. I wish you could save me.

3.5 weeks left feels impossible

Dear T,
I know what you'll say to my 2-sentence email. You'll say all is well on your end and that we've worked through things in the past, so you have confidence that we can work through this. (Too bad I can't put any money on that...)

I don't want to talk to you today.

i’m such an idiot. why did i ever trust you? this is the end for us. no turning back.

I don't know what to do anymore. Like, about anything. It all sucks. I'm so down and you dont get it or care.

thanks for calling me today. this is going to be a LONG year.

Thanks for today. You made me feel like you care

I am an attention seeker.
I want you to pay attention to me.
I want you to think about me.

I want you to remember me.
I want you to want to talk to me.

But above all else, I need you to want to do all of those things.
I need the attention
If I don’t get any attention I will disappear.

Distance myself from the world around me. I’ll believe that I'm not good enough, no one wants me or needs me. You see when I'm most quiet is actually my most vulnerable time.

When I go down this lonely dark rut I cant get myself back out. I need you to pull me out of it. I say I'm good at being alone, but not like this. This is bad alone. Dark, depressed alone.

Soon I’ll think that I should be alone, that no one should love me etc. Im not accepting it, I'm hating it. I just need one voice of reason. Tell me I'm good enough, show me I'm good enough.

Since your passing I occasionally check your brothers FB page. I see your mom passed away on Monday. So many thoughts. All the messages talk about how she was such an amazing and loving lady. Yet you had such a strained relationship with her. I know she was overly critical of you.

You and I always discussed how difficult Labor day is for me because of family history and my mom passed away over labor day weekend. Now your mom passed on labor day just for days before the anniversary of my moms. I dont kbow why this bothers me so much.

T: Yin Yoga was my version of yoga he11. sooooo slowww and borringggg. I suppose it did at least stop me from thinking about today for a little over an hour, even if it felt like I could have lied in my bed and got the exact same amount of exercise.

I still want you to love me

Dear T,
Are you surprised I haven't written you asking for today's session back? I still feel good with that decision. I slept well last night--I doubt I'd have slept well if I knew I was seeing you and we'd have to continue that conversation. Now I have till Monday to process everything--and I'll get some help with it tomorrow. You don't need to know about consulting T this time--you got so weird before about "leave or don't leave" that...I don't want to go there until I've made some sort of decision. I probably at least need a break from you. I mean, I'll still come in Monday. And maybe I'll still see you weekly or something while hunting for a T I feel I can work with for a bit, so that I'm not left without any therapeutic support. But during that time I'll just need to not expect much from you. Maybe I just need to go elsewhere for a bit, deal with certain things, then I can come back. I just feel like we both might need space from each other, that we've hit some sort of wall. Maybe a break will help, maybe it won't. But I'm not sure continuing like this right now is going to do me any good.
Love,
LT

I'm actually not even sure if i'm seeing you tomorrow.

You gave me an early session on tuesday.

I had cancelled my normal thurs session as I had my morning exam. but was done before.

So that leaves friday- though we didn't confirm?

Dear 4 potential T's I emailed,
Somebody write back to me! (OK, 2 of you I just emailed a little bit ago...)
--LT

Dear T: you were particularly unhelpful last night. I wish you had been more helpful. I wish you had been able to take away some of this pain. Kit

i’m sorry kit 😟