Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Dear T: it would be nice to see you today, but I'm okay waiting until the 4th until my appointment.

How will I ever leave therapy with you now that I know you love me? Is this part of the trick? Do you play all your clients like this, is it your long game?

I'm confused and that makes me scared and that makes me angry and so then I want to do stuff. I know you think I can control myself if I want to, but I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and I've just lost my balance. Just teetering on the edge and a storm's brewing. I don't know which way I'm going to fall and if I fall off the cliff, will it be because I didn't try hard enough and just decided to fall?

I'm panicking and that isn't helping anything.

I am very much not okay with you leaving for three weeks. It feels too much like spring of last year. I don't trust myself. This might be really really bad.

Today's an odd anniversary - the cinema visit that broke the seal on this profound sadness. Three years.


Now it's mostly anger, but I don't know how to deal with that. Help?

Well that sucked. WTF was up with you today?

You honestly didn't do anything wrong and I'm sorry, but I don't have words.

I need something please. But I don't know what. So maybe I will send an angry text instead.

I miss you!!

I've submitted that poem.

Dear encounter group, thank you for being everything my therapist could not be today

Dear T: Today I want to and there's nothing you can really even do about it. I wish there was something you could do about it.

I wanted to ask for a hug but I didnt

Maybe on Monday??

I'm glad I didnt end up in the hospital

Thank u for your check in calls

I don't know what to think about when you made that awe type sound when I told you that part of how I got through the last few days was by emailing T everyday.

ExT i want you to know that i know you are a liar but i wont send that text or email to you.

Well forget you then!

Do you know that my insurance company is starting an in-house behavioural health insurance instead of using the widely known and accepted one? And no one is paneled on this new plan yet?

I dreamt you moved into a huge practice, with so many doors that I got lost following you back to your office, so lost that in my dream you yelled at me. The dream continued onto a second appt in this huge practice in which you came to talk to me in the waiting room, with all the other people waiting, and you ignored me, in my dream.

My fear is that you are pushing me away, because I have been so anxious this month, way more anxious than July. I feel like I am not coping very well. And now that insurance will change, here is the perfect opportunity. I am so pathetic for not coping very well at all. I think my colleagues and students think I am typical but I don't feel typical.

It's because of you that I believe in me for first time.

This is hard. Really hard. Eventually, when I see you, it will be worse. I don't think this is worth it.

If you don't reply, dont expect to see me next week, or the week after.

I'm so confused. I want to go on the attack.

Dear T,
I've had quite the range of thoughts, from quite positive to quite negative, regarding you since we last met (6 hours driving contributed to that). Not sure where my brain will be by the time I see you Tuesday, but I definitely think the discussion of last Friday's email exchange needs to be continued. Are you stunned I haven't emailed you yet?

Love,
LT

I feel really, really, REALLY, REALLY bad right now.

I need to know that I'm important and that you care. I can't trust in you if I only matter because of the money you get.

Oh my god, could I be any more obvious and cliche? I'm doing exactly the same thing with you that I told you about with my mother.

Instead of being 4 and calling her back to my room over and over every night because of monsters or wanting to be comforted or whatever I was texting you.
I wasn't supposed to call for her. I'm not supposed to text you about anything other than scheduling and other practical matters. Being good means not begging for your attention and caring over text, respecting boundaries. Not asking for too much.

But there was the same desperation. I realized right after I sent it. Writing what was basically "I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to do this but I was really really hurting and I don't want that to be the last thing said when I have the next four weeks to convince myself that you don't care, I'm sorry."

I'm asking for a comfort that I'm not supposed to let myself reach out for, wanting too much
I'm not 4 anymore.
But please care about me.
Please comfort and reassure me.
Please don't be mad at me.
I'm sorry.