Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I wonder why my first appointment isn't until Wednesday this week. Are you out of the office? I admit I would feel kind of put out if you are in the office but I couldn't have my first appointment on Monday or Tuesday. But if you aren't in the office, I'm glad I get my two appointments at all this week.

It's hard work being needy.

I hope you're ready to deal with me today and that you have looooots of patience cause you're gonna need it

This unrelenting anger feels like a chronic illness. It's not about you, obviously, but I am at a loss for ways to deal with it effectively.

Miss you, see you tomorrow

T,
See you tomorrow. Best of luck dealing with me.

Dear T: I'm actually looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, if nothing else, for these unrelenting suicidal thoughts. I am glad I saw you for a minute or two yesterday just to tell you, "See you Wednesday." It's weird that I've seen the Pdoc twice since I've seen you. He is probably more helpful. At least he didn't tell me to bake. I'm curious to know whether you will be seeing clients after 12/31/19. If not, maybe I should just take a break from therapy. Maybe I'm just being a wimp and not wanting to find a new therapist. It's just so hard to find one. I hope you have something helpful to say tomorrow rather then, just do more baking, or some such nonsense. That is not enough to help my depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm anxious though that you won't be seeing clients after 12/31/19. But maybe you will move to a new agency. Or just keep your other job. It's weird you have two jobs. I guess there's not enough demand up here?

Last week you asked me what the elephant in the room was.

I didn't answer you, but it's talking about my grandmother.

I don't want your kindness.

T1,

I feel guilty as **** about something that logically I shouldn't even feel guilty about. But I still wanted to talk to you about it.
For once you were going to be useful, and then you had to cancel my appt. this week. Nice timing, really.

I know u came in there today 2 spy on me . From our phone conversation yesterday . Dont b worried t. I think it will go well. And I will be stronger learning to manage my symptoms with lower meds. I cannot b depressed anymore!! **** ANTI PSYCHOTICS

I am so sick of being brave, and yet I don't know how to let my guard down.

Y'know L I really am a big dork. I was at the National Park near my house over the weekend looking for a mineral 'in the wild' for my Geology assignment, and on my way out of the park I wandered through the gift shop a bit and found these woven coasters like the ones in your office. Of course I had to buy one, for my work desk so it can remind me of being there in your office while I'm on this self-imposed break. Yep, it's official. Big ol' dork here!

I’ve been messing with one of my meds on my own so I haven’t been honest with my therapist because I think messing with the med may be why I’ve been feeling so badly. But I don’t want to tell her because I don’t want her to tell my doctor. But this may be the biggest reason why I’ve been feeling so badly these last 2 weeks.

oh and yeah. that was clever, quite clever indeed, how you got me to admit to that one thing. jeezo pete you are fearless.

Hey T, I hope your H is okay. I am slightly worried.

Your hand on my back when we hug.......

Dear T: I know I need to tell you how serious the suicidal thoughts are. It's definitely a sign that things are progressing in my head action wise. I think you will down play it like you normally do because I am still functioning. I am still going to work. Even though I want to call out every single day. I am still doing my work while at work. I am still doing what I have to do, showering, cooking, etc. But that doesn't mean I'm not suffering tremendously. It doesn't mean I'm not serious. It doesn't mean I haven't formulated a plan. Just because I am doing what I have to do to survive, doesn't mean I will ultimately survive myself. Kit

Inquest found at fault for you , K. When will some of you learn ?

Hey you. I just got back from dropping H off at the mechanics to pick up his car and all the way driving home, you and I had a conversation me talking out loud and you responding in my head. I like to fantasize that these pretend conversations are psychically real ones ha ha. Because I told you something that I've never been able to say out loud before. The other reason behind why I'm taking this break. Funny thing is, I "heard" you respond to everything I said except for that one thing. Because I honestly do not know what you would say if I ever actually admitted that bit to you.

I was thinking on the way over to school just now about what I want that I think I can't have and trying to separate you from the qualities. I figured out a biggie and for a bonus figured out how that relates to now and even why I know I can't have it and I started bawling while driving. Laws I hope I don't start bawling during class again. I hate this.

I wish that you were like many other psychiatrist board cerfified in neurology so you could answer questions regarding my syndrome that can cause sensoneural deafness.

I hope its okay if I respond Kit. I know you like your T, but it worries me she doesn't take your Sui feelings more seriously. In regards to the bolded part, my T said



I hope the session goes okay. <3

thank you for reading my texts and calling to process being triggered. It was really hard because O feared reaching out and you not getting my message. You did though and helped become grounded. I really needed that and you came through.

Dear R,

I really missed you today.

But this therapy thing is too painful.

Totally okay that you responded @velcro003, My T took me pretty seriously last night. It helped that I had seen my PDOC 2 times since I had seen my T and she works with my PDOC and knows it is not that easy to get into see him even for emergencies. The session went better than I had anticipated. I'll probably write it up in IST. She told me before when we hadn't been working together too long that if I were to attempt Suicide that I was to call her first, which I agreed. Then last night she added to it, that we also have to meet first. I begrudgingly agreed to that. I was like, you're changing the rules! That's not fair! But I know she is just trying to keep me safe. She said she would be terribly affected (or something like that) if I were to die by suicide and I felt very close to her during that time. It's about the closest I have felt to being cared about by her. Thanks for the comment. HUGS Kit

Dear T: Thanks for last night. Thanks for taking me seriously. Thanks for hearing me. I think you really did hear me this time. I can't hug you in session but I can give you a virtual hug. HUGS Kit