Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Maybe you were right about tears. I think I'd been holding those back for a long time. They came from down deep.

I don't want to go on my trip. I don't want to miss another week already.

I need to do a sand tray the tigers are calling

Also I want to know what you wrote about my little breakdown

Someone else just passed away, we found out this morning. My husband is mad at me. I sort of got frustrated with him even though he didn’t do anything wrong, it was just because I was sad, which I know wasn’t right. Now he is angry and won’t even talk to me after I apologized.. maybe because he’s sad too. Why does everyone have to die? I feel like dying, but it’s Sunday so I can’t tell you that until tomorrow. I feel really alone.

Watcha doing?

This therapy thing hurts too much.

Thanks for responding about my poem. I think it's one of my best yet, too. I feel like my craft is really improving through taking this class! I probably shoulda waited til the 25th to share it but you know me, I didn't wanna wait because it very much relates to what we've been talking about lately.

I forgot to ask you to move Creepy Woman away from the couch.

Well, it's just occured to me I can guess what you were doing - watching the cricket world cup final? I watched the end too. It's nice to think we might both have been watching it at the same time.

My window of tolerance has become a peephole. People are continuing to need emotional labour from me, and I simply don't have the space. Feeling helpless is a huge trigger for me, and I suggested something which would have averted this months ago. Friend ignored me.

Dear T,
Thought after our talk Friday night that my H gets it more, but with tonight him talking about me "ramping up" in addition to D being upset...maybe not so much? Why can't he just have compassion for both me and D if we're in distress? Instead of seeming irritated?

Love,
LT

I called T tonight and told her about the med mess up last night where I accidentally took double the amount of an already high dose of Geodon. My message was kind of intense since it was immediately after I noticed it and I was pretty freaked about it. I said to her “should I just be glad I woke up?” I did tell her I was feeling fine physically but that my trip had stressed me out and that my tiredness which we’ve been discussing a lot also played a roll in it. I asked her if she could move my appointment with my sleep specialist up since things were starting to become dangerous. I’m not sure how she’ll react to my message. I mean I don’t think she can send me to the hospital since I didn’t do it on purpose and it would have been almost 2 days ago. But my message was a bit intense since I was pretty upset.

Me misses you. Well, the you that I know.

T, I want to know what you are thinking about us, about the email. I admitted I had something I wanted something from you. I want you beside me. I want you to help me process this. I asked for what I wanted. It may have been in email but I let you know what I wanted right now, in this moment from therapy. I want to know if you are excited that I got there of going oh F* I finally get her to where she asks and I am going out of town. Maybe it isn’t an either or.
While I am at it... might I suggest bringing an adult beverage to our next session... something a bit stronger than tea or kumbacha or what ever that yucky ferment stuff is.

I sometimes would like to bring a bottle of wine to a session and share it with you.

I would give up everything, I mean EVERYTHING, all my personal growth, my strengths, my self care, everything I have learnt, just to stay in your house with you, be part of your life 24/7, just be near you all the time. I know that would never ever happen, maybe that's why I'm fantastising and letting myself allow it. I also feel so ashamed and stupid that I honestly feel I could give up all that, literally wreck my life, just for that chance. But I also think that you would probably get that. I think you would understand that feeling. I can't tell you - not yet. But I hope that you would hear that longing and care about it. Maybe it will be possible to tell you this for real sometime and we can talk about it.

You feel distant.

Have you noticed there's been no emails for almost 7 days now?

Dear T, I'm so glad I was able to tell you more or less what I wrote above. Thank you for texting such a kind and accepting response. I know I have found the perfect safe space to work through these difficult feelings and come to some sort of resolution with them when I'm ready to. I just wish that I didn't have to, I wish that I could be with you all the time and not have to do this work. But I know that you accept I'm feeling this way and it makes it easier to bear somehow.

Today's been slow.

Radiology exam = 20 days away.

I miss you. I do not want to talk to you at the moment because I do not think there is anything you can do to help me. I still miss you.

Dear T,
I understand why, but my heart still hurts. The way my life has been going, I should really have seen this coming.

Why are you not going on vacation? I told you it is necessary for your self care. Please take a vacation soon. I really need a break.

ExT something huge has happened and I need to talk to you because you know everybody involved and it would take a f ew sessions to explain to this new guy. Please can I just talk to you once more?

I've been feeling better lately but I wouldn't say I'm "cured".

I can't believe I have to see to see you again tomorrow already. The days just fly by. I need the world to stop spinning for awhile so I can catch up. I also need you to go on vacation. You deserve it. Please?

I dreamt of you today.

Are you proud of me for not emailing? 8 days so far.

17 hours and 56 seconds to session.

and I've gone through 11/66 topics for radio.

I feel like you don’t care. So I don’t care.

I love you. I'm glad I told you that today. And I didnt need to tell you the hugeness of it for me. You knew and you said it to me.