Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I really want to call you right now but it's 530 am. I feel like I know what you'll say if I do call and I'm waiting until I'm done with my class to agree to that.

I think that’s such a powerful, true statement about the connections we build with our therapists!

Are you sure you can handle it if I do?!

He was really nice and said he was okay with me seeing him again if I needed to!

Did you actually think that through before you said it? Would you actually do that?
Did you think through whether you'd be going out of your way to acquire a new blanket specifically for/because of me, or bringing in one you already have, which would feel like an almost personal/intimate connection to use?
Were you planning on putting it in a drawer and taking it out for my sessions, or leaving it out all the time? Were you planning on it being there for anyone to use, or something you only brought out for me?
Have you ever done anything like that before?
Would you regret having offered it once you thought through all those practical aspects of it?

I'm still not sitting in the chair.

I think I may call you and see if you have any time available early next week. I don't really want to miss a week again so soon.

Dear T,
I think something has shifted in my brain. Where I’m not thinking of you in terms of “I wish you could be my partner” or “my friend” or, at times, “my father.” It’s like, I’m thinking of you as my therapist. And appreciating you in that role. It has its limitations for sure. But I can also just sit in your office and cry my eyes out and it’s OK. You take my money as payment for your time and that’s OK. I can’t know all kinds of details about your life, and that’s OK. Your role is to support me and help me learn to support myself. It’s like...un-transference. I’m not sure if this will last, but it’s kind of nice right now. To not have the longing for what I wish you could be but to just appreciate you for who and what you are to me. Perhaps I’ll share this on Monday.
Love,
LT

Dear T. I drew a mandala today.....just like you asked. I have to admit I got more out of it than I thought I would. Hmm. Kit

Dear T,

I do not feel good--I'm having more and more urges to SH. I don't know why. I really want to email you and tell you this, but to what end?

-c

L, I'm feeling really needy of you right now, I felt so accepted yesterday as I laid there on your couch bawling my eyes out, the only kind of letting go that I know how to do, it seems. I haven't cried like that in a very long time. I didn't even care what you thought of me, I didn't even look to see if you had your eyes open while you were drumming so I don't even know if you saw the mess I was. I don't even understand why it has taken me almost 8 ****ing years to get here. We have circled close to it so many times. Why does it take so long? Why L why?!

Tomorrow will probably be better.

That’s what I tell myself.

I don’t know why, exactly, I haven’t scheduled to see the social worker...or haven’t done more to pack up, sort and throw away.

I feel beaten down. I’m very tired. I want things to be different but I’m scared for them to be different.

I do feel I am a burden. I do realize that, to outsiders looking in, it looks like I should be able to accomplish a lot more. But I don’t.

I’m upset (about long-standing problem at home).... I’m worn down.

—-
(Issue with family- drama)

And I’m so tired of everything. I can’t do the things I want to do. Why want them anymore?

I want to be comfortable in my home but that isn’t happening.

Tomorrow will probably be better.

T, I thought our session last week would be a good one before skipping a week for another training trip... we didn’t stir up any new stuff, we smiled, laughed, joked and looked at pictures. You let me hold onto the hugs as long as I need to so that I can breathe and feel them... This time your going away isn’t like the other times, the other times I needed you. The other times something still felt open, unfinished... something. This time I am left feeling connected and in some ways it feels so much worse and I feel so helpless. Feeling unfinished, sore, needy... those are normal for me. I know you said to stay in touch... AKA you know the emails are coming... but there isn’t anything “wrong” this time... nothing I need you to hear, nothing I need you to say. This sucks and I wish I didn’t have to wait... and then in another couple weeks you are away... AGAIN. I try to be an adult about most of your trips. I know they are continuing education and ultimately benefit me. I know are best sessions are right when you get back because you feel refreshed after a training... but really, it sucks, I hate it and it is messing up the continuity of our work. I want you to stay home for a while.

Oh L. I want you tonight. So much going through my head. I miss you already for Thursday. I almost wish I hadn't planned my little vacation so that i could com esee you instead. But I had this weekend planned before I came back to therapy. So I don't want to cancel it now. Especially since H is now agreeing to go with me. I think we nee dthistime away from 'real life' . But ****, i miss you already. Thank you so much for lettin gme bawl my eyes out yesterday. i didn't even care what you thought of me. i think the 4 months i took off from therapy was really really really a good thing because i no longer care what you thin kof me. i have relagated you to the role of "only therapist" at last. i don't see you as anything more than that now and this is very very very good. but i still miss the hell out of the acceptance i feel there with you .

I am drunk and i dont' care and I want you i want you i want you!!! ****. bu ti am not going to email you in this state, oh hell no. i did that once a long time ago and never agian neeeeevvvverrrrr again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!oh ****.

i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed you

shitdamn****sonofa*****

perhaps the next tim ei se e you we shoudl talk about how ****ed up i amrightnow ilvdo you ok

Dear T,

It's getting harder to get out of bed every morning, to continue putting one foot in front of the other and just make it through the day. I just want everything to stop. I want the pain inside of me to stop.... I am so tired of trying and I just want to sleep.

I'm not as weak as I believed myself to be.

t3

I am glad you understood and agreed with my rules about not caring and staying distant. It's weirdly comforting to know I wont ever have to feel "confused" with you. So keep up your attitude lol

Oh for Pete's sake good thing I didn't email you last night.

I'm getting all i-love-T-y again. Miss you

I still don't understand why you said you found me challenging nor do I understand what the hell was supposed to be the point of anything you ever said or of therapy itself. And the fact that you would say **** to me like "I find you challenging" but then not tell me what you meant by that. And you said you were not the enemy and that you were not just messing with me and humiliating me.
You liar.

Maybe I won't want to come back after you come back and perhaps from now on I should cut back to one session a week.

I don't know why I'm even freaking out. I should be happy for you, but if the truth be told I'm not. Even a day sometimes is too long.

I feel I can't fully express my emotions to you.