Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

T, I’m feeling really down, scared, overwhelmed.

I’m obsessing over a sentence or two that I wrote to you. That I should’ve changed the wording around. Really a superficial, innocuous change. If you knew that I was obsessing about this, I think you would be pretty horrified. At least I had the brain power to tell myself to stop it, that I’m being absurd, that there’s more to life than this.

Love you love you love you love you

I want to tell her that my weekend was tough physically. I was very tired all weekend. I took a 45 minute nap on Friday. A 2 hour nap on Saturday and a 20 minute nap today. She wanted me to take naps though but only 1 20 minute nap a day. I also want to tell her I was just really too tired to go out that much all weekend. I managed to go to a couple stores on Friday. Saturday I couldn’t go out besides the Taco Bell drive thru. Today I went out to lunch but it was difficult.

I wonder t if you sort of expect me to (or are waiting for me to) just not come back? Like it would be easier on both of us if I just... don't call? In the past 2 weeks it has become clear to me that I no longer want or need to come weekly. I don't want to stop completely, I don't ever want to stop completely, but I don't need or want to come every week anymore either. We need to talk about what that means going forward. Let's go back to the "as needed" thing, ok? I am so very, very grateful to you for everything. Love you.

I'm really nervous about tomorrow. I don't know how you got me to agree to see a PDOC, but I'm not happy with you right now... I hate you and I hate all your logical words and your ways to convince me to do thing even when I know that I don't want to.

Yes, I am thinking of goodbye again. How come you never bring up the subject of termination? Shouldn't we have had that as an eventual goal all along? Aren't you supposed to want me to learn and grow and heal to a point where I'm ready to leave therapy? And since we aren't even doing therapy anymore as you stated recently, are we both just holding on because we don't want to let go?!

Having a hard time with hypervigilance at the moment. Please help me with that on Thursday.

Dear T: I see Pastor T tonight. Childishly, I wish you were coming with me. Kit

First day back and I'm so exhausted, but I know i have a lot to be grateful for.



I think I got lucky for once getting you as a T.

I find you repulsive.

A short history of my relationship with anger.

I've been so worried about it not coming out right, that I've stopped it coming out at all. Now, it's hurting me.

Help?

Dear T,
I feel like you’ve taken some sort of Understanding Potion since I briefly terminated. I hope it lasts. Your saying that you understand it will take me some time to feel safe with you again (without my saying it first)—that meant a lot. You seem to get that it I took a big leap of faith in coming back. So far, you’ve made me feel I made the right decision. And your understanding about how difficult things were over the summer for me helps, too.
And your parting words to me today were “It was good seeing you.” You never say that—maybe one other time in the past 2 years? (I remember it because it was ex-MC’s usual parting words--well, close, he would say, "It was good to see you."). And it felt genuine. My saying it back to you was genuine, too.
Love,
LT

I almost fired you today. Yet you get what really is going on and it's a self preservation. Then you said I can't fire you just yet....(for those that don't know I had a close call on hospitalization)

And then you said you wanted me to be safe. If there is a crisis then I am afraid I won't want to go into the ER, and that the cops will be called.

There's so much fear!!

I apologize for bringing up my craziness today. I know that's what you're there for but I feel like I jumped the gun and flipped out over nothing. Guess we can talk about that tomorrow. I'm sure you'll have something to say about "What's next" as in how am I going to make this not happen again. And I don't like my options for that either. Starting to feel like . Today has been a complete mind f***

Dear T. I want so much to get in contact, but I'm so hoping you make the first move and maybe check-in? Things aren't alright, haven't been since termination. The last couple of months I've been relentlessly ill and the recovery is slow and exhausting. I can't enjoy any physical activities, even sitting for any time is painful. My sleep pattern is really screwed up too. I can't concentrate our focus, short term memory is nearly non existent. I'm so tired in so many ways. What's not helping is my family are currently all tearing each other to shreds, and I can't help but feel partially responsible. I know on a cold intellectual level it's stupid, but the felt side of things is overruling that. Since I started sticking up for myself and setting boundaries, they all turned on each other instead. At least when I was the whipping boy there was some sort of shared goal / harmony, what ever you want to call it. Now its a mess and they keep trying to drag me back in or goad me into participating. It's all taking it's toll, please reach out. I want to but I'm not supposed to. At least on our break it was clear I had a life line. At termination this wasn't offered or mentioned and I was too upset to ask. There's more I want to say but on mobile don't get trigger warning tool.

I'm a little nervous to hear how your H is/what happened (or what you'll tell or not tell me) if he was in the hospital for a week (or more). I hope you and your family are okay.

Other than that, no earthly idea what we'll talk about tomorrow.

i still want to do a sand tray with you, dammitalltohell.

It looks like this but without spaces:

[ trigger ] what I want to say [ /trigger ]

T, I miss you. One good thing that has come out of all this is that I know you, and we do great work together, and nobody can ever take that away from me.

I did it again, didn't I. Well I guess the first step is recognition right?!

I miss you. Especially now that I've identified what it is that I want that I can't have.

But I am in a quandary because seeing you just perpetuates the longing. I need to let you go, once and for all. I need to separate from you somehow and allow my other relationships to fill the abyss that will be left behind... why'd I let this happen? Why'd I let you become so damn important to me? I know, but I don't know.

I don't want to face you today. I feel like I made such a big fuss over nothing yesterday. I hate this feeling.

Well maybe I had to let it happen in order for the healing to happen that has happened?

Thank you.
What I wanted to add...

Dear T,

Why have you not given up on me yet? I appreciate you and the confidence you have helped me find more than I could ever express.