Couch 200: The Bicentennial Couch.

A therapist I wrote to about EMDR just wrote back and told me he doesn't choose a modality until he has met the person and can decide what is right.

Patronising tw@t

Newsflash for him, he doesn't "choose" a modality at all. Nor does he pick what is right for me. Ugh glad I swerved that one.

I will.

Summer Storm

Leaves and branches fly in dramatic show,
opening space for rain to come through.
And wind,
as if never given the chance before
moans in haunting refrains through my yard.

Leaves and branches fly in dramatic show
not sure which way they want to go,
they mimic the thoughts that swirl
like confused tornados
inside my mind.

Down and around and towards the ground,
then up again and over cinder block walls -
an outer display of the turmoil inside.
Wishing I could close that inner window
as easily as those against the
relentless storm outside, I watch in silence as
leaves and branches fly in dramatic show.

Just got home from seeing L. Hoo boy what a super emotional session THAT was! I was totally bawling, tears streaming down my face the whole 9 yards. I was a mess. She was drumming for me at the time and I just lost it. While she was drumming I heard this message come through clearly from deep inside me that said "Stop holding on so damn tight. Let go!! Just ****ing LET GO!!" and that terrified me because I don't want to be the destruction. I am afraid that if I just let go and be myself, I would be like a tornado, like a massive storm, and wreak havoc on my life as I know it now. If I just let go and be myself, I wouldn't worry about H, or what my Mother and the rest of my family thinks, I would end my marriage and I would BE the destruction that I so fear. I haven't cried that hard in a looooong time. I think I have earned a glass of wine....

And she was speculating something about how that mucocele thing I had on my appendix might have happened because of all of this - because i stopped coming to therapy and was working 60 hours a week and not listening to my body and stuff. I don't really buy that. **** just happens sometimes. So the doctors don't know exactly why it happens yet - it's just one of those things that sometimes does - I take it with a whole handful of grains of salt as she ain't no MD.

Actually, for all of the woowoo stuff that I consider to be too woo, I do believe that one's body will tell one to stop and up the ante until the body does something extreme enough that causes one to listen

Good dodge - he sounds like an ***

Well mine sure made me listen alright! I just hate the thought that I brought all of that on myself and stuff. She also says in the same breath of course that it's not about blame. Which makes me want to say then why even bring it UP?

Re your other point - what if all those people in your life werent there to stop you? That is, whats MY excuse now? You probably dont want to be HERE (in my shoes) in ten years. Or, where DO you want to be in ten years? Just throwin that stuff out there. Altho if you could answer the question about whats my excuse now, that would be cool!

If the other people in my life weren't, I don't know. That's too hard to answer. If I removed even one person from my past I might never have gone back to therapy and if I hadn't gone back to therapy would I have ever started working on myself and uncovering all this stuff that I'd buried so deeply away? I might still be living completely and totally in denial about my sexuality and other stuff. Who knows?

Where do I want to be in 10 years? I can't see that far...

Of course it’s not about blame. Why would it be? It’s about taking responsibility for mistakes, learning from them, and vowing to do better. And if you fall again, pick yourself up and move on. And that is why it needs to be brought up, not to blame but to learn.

Blame is a dead end street. People don’t want to be blamed so they avoid taking responsibility. Or they just sit around and blame themselves and then learn nothing, just beat up on themselves.

2ex had me going there for a while with the idea of blame and fault. It’s a way to keep others or yourself down. It’s a child’s way of viewing the world. Screw that.

It really rather pisses me off that it took me almost 8 years of therapy to be ready to even HEAR that. I have just been beating myself up for years upon years upon years. It's all I ever knew how to do. Maybe I am still a child in some ways.

She also said today when I told her it pissed me off that it took us this long to get here, that maybe, that's because it's not something that is broken that can be fixed but that it's something I just had to be in, or whatever, until I got to the point of saying "I'm sick of this ****!" and finally do something about it. I don't know. But I am tired of it.

Remember the tortoise and the hare.

she tried to get me to stand up and just let go and stomp around the room or dance or do something and i said no this room isn't big enough to contain what is inside me. she wasn't sure what to say about that.

I am a ****ing volcano I think.

Good night my fair couchies.

I technically have the money now to fly out to see my grandmother, but it feels wrong and weird. I haven't seen her since I was 14. And flights to the other side of the country last minute aren't cheap. Especially if I went with H. Flight+hotel+Uber/Lyft or renting a car. I hate spending money. But would I regret not going if she dies soon? She's supposedly doing better...a few more days in ICU and then going to a rehab place. I wish i had a way to get discounted flights and hotels...how the heck do people manage that?

Artie, I'm drinking so take this with a grain of salt. Just from what I see here, you love your husband and he loves you. It's not perfect, but is anything? You have a son that you love so much. He's becoming an adult and you're a proud Mom. You have love in your life. You don't have to change anything or you can change everything. Whatever you do, you have love. If you feel like you need to leave your marriage and go explore what your sexuality means to you, that's okay. You can leave your husband and still love him. The two aren't mutually exclusive. You have a child together and a history together. That doesn't vanish if you leave. If you stay, that's okay too. You can take as long as you need to decide what's best for you.

My niece had bariátric surgery and has done beautifully. She lost like 150 pounds and 16 clothing sizes. It takes a complete lifestyle change. The process started like a year before the actual surgery with counseling, nutritional training with a complete change in how she ate, months of a liquid diet following the surgery. But she’s entirely pleased with how her health, activity level, have improved. It does take total commitment to drastic changes.

I've known more than a few women who waited until their husbands died (for various reasons, economic, kids, etc) and then found themselves in relationships with women. I have a friend who thinks it's sort of the natural evolutionary progression as men tend to die younger than women, and the culture makes it rather difficult for older women to sustain relationships with younger men.

I like it!

Hehe

Maybe just ask him what the procedure is like. If you did have to go to the ER, would it be possible to take someone with you to explain on your behalf?

I think the same thing.

I'll definitely try to bring it up next time we discuss it. I wish I had a support person I could bring with me but I don't.

I'm sorry for being random but your post just reminded me of this music video I saw and loved by the Lumineers. It made me cry (cause i'm soppy like that):



Basically :

"The story begins with the youngest girl in this video, she's young and in love. Her father has died and the love of her life asks her to leave, it shows what would happen if she would have left (which is ultimately fall deeper in love, explore, get married, and essentially live a happy fulfilled life.). However in reality she doesn't leave with her true love, instead she stays and he leaves, skipping over to the song Angela (the middle age women) she is now pregnant with another mans child and is living an unhappy life, she decides to leave one night, which ends in her and her new man getting a divorce, now onto Cleopatra (the woman driving the taxi) she is older now and drives the taxi for fun and sees many people that remind her of her and her love. She visits with the song she gave birth too and states that god gave her two blessing, birth and a divorce, now onto the 4th and final song, she is way older now and is now in a nursing home, she explains to the aids there that she was so amazing when she was young, and since they are a younger generation they don't quite understand, so they just shrug it off. She has a collection of the love of her life's pictures and she regrets not going with him, she knows she is going to die in the nursing home, old and alone. The what if moment comes when she decides to leave the nursing home. The end. Ultimately this ballad is a lesson about choices, regrets, and life. She regrets not leaving with her soulmate which in turn leads to her living a depressing life, in which the only blessing are birth and a divorce".

Every ending has a new beginning but the weight of regret is heavy.