Being abused in therapy

After years of being with the same therapist I am starting to realise that my t has been extremely abusive.
She calls me things and uses parts of my story to abuse me and it makes me feel ashamed.
Today she said my borderline traits are disturbing. I said, “oh, now I am borderline?” She said, “I didn’t say that” and then I start to doubt what I heard. I feel like I am starting to go crazy and that she just says, I am projecting and interpreting everything wrong!

I had a T like that. In some ways she did more damage than what I was there to fix. Current T is really disturbed by how painful my experience was with her. My T would be mortified if I ever felt shame because of something he said and he would be quick to try and do repairitive work.

Can you find a new T? At least interview a couple and see how they are, maybe you will click with one of them. It's not worth being in a bad situation IMHO. HUGS Kit

That you can name it seems positive.

What's your next move?

Your new t sounds very attuned to you

I am terrified of sharing things with a new t and then the t using them against me! I just don’t know if I can trust another t.

Naming it is the first step? I have been in denial for so long. I don’t think I can start again so I just get over this experience and move on!

Anyone can start again. If they wish. It's never from the same place they beganat in the first place.

It's not so much moving on as much as moving up

Do you think you will have any trouble getting over this experience? If so, can you think of things that might help?

Do you plan to go back and confront or discuss this with her? Would that help at all, do you think? Or else just cancel your all your appointments and never go back?

Hugs, do not go back to her. It possible to start over. Since i have been seeing a new therapist, im relizing how my ex-t was doing things wrong with me. I didn't reconize it til a few weeks ago after my third session with this new t i have now. There are good t's out there and i did feel very stuck with my pyschologist for two years, and now i see how much damage it has done and feel like it was all my fault. No therapist should do what she is doing. I would get out and look for a better t. Hugs

Agreed! Please do not go back!

No therapy is better than damaging therapy.

Second and third opinions from other consults is always a good idea. Whether you go cold turkey with no therapy, use another therapist to help transition to no therapy, or start over is totally about your comfort level.

That sounds like what is often described as gaslighting. I had a T like that and I never regretted dumping him. It wasn't as easy as never looking back, and I often second-guessed my perceptions and feelings but, ultimately, it was the best decision.

I think there is a huge difference between being constructively critical and shaming someone (often for the mere sake of coming off superior). And I think people who do the shaming often are completely or largely unaware of what they are doing and why, they avoid dealing with their own motives and shift blame to find "reasons" in the other. It is abusive and not realizing it is no excuse, especially from a therapist!

If you decide to interview some therapists, you could mention what happened with the abusive one, and see what their reaction is and also that because of your experience it will be difficult to trust another t.

You described a lot of what my t does and it is gaslighting.
My t is more concerned about how she feels and the effect I have in her, she said I push her away but I go quiet because I feel ashamed because she told me I try to appease her. So I lowered my head and said nothing and then she said I was punishing her

Thank you, you are right, no therapy is better than damaging therapy.

I honestly don’t think I can because she used things I told her and turned it round to look what I did and am doing to others. I honestly felt like a piece of garbage and came out of there crying today!

Do better therapists exist or are they all abusive because it feels like they are all going to be the same. I am glad you got out of your stuckness with your t and sorry you got hurt too

Personally, I have never found individual therapy to be that effective, but I know there are T's out there who are nice and not abusive.

ummm...yeah, this isn't cool and with a response like that, she is clearly making it all about her and her needs. it also feels manipulative. definilty get out of this unhelpful relationship ASAP

If you don't go to another T, will you be OK? Yes, of course you will be OK in the long term but right now, in the short term?

I've found support groups much more helpful in the last few years than therapists. We are here, of course, but in-person support groups have helped me a lot, too, although most people didn't understand harmful therapy so I didn't talk about it much there.

Up til i met this therapist i have now, i always felt that all therapist where mean after awhile. If it wasn't for me going to day program at the mental health clinic i would of not given this therapist a chance. Im so glad i did even though im still hurt and angry at my previous treatment team. I hope this therapist im seeing now wont turn mean on me. I still have to talk about this with my new therapist my emotions are all over.

I think the dynamic of the therapist-client relationship is inherently abusive. In what other scenario would you go to another adult/a stranger and immediately tell them all your vulnerabilities/fears/insecurities/failures etc and then take their feedback as gospel? We (the clients) know next to nothing about them. We don't know if they have jealousy issues, if they're controlling, if they're assholes, if they themselves have abused/neglected their children (the very same problem many ppl go to therapy for) etc. We have no insight into their personality, their relationships, their life philosophy, their integrity or lack thereof.

Knowing nothing about them we're essentially asking and trusting them to care about us. For a fee, of course. Can they really give a **** about us though? Can they care about all their clients that they see for one hour a week? Why should they care? Even if one believes that it's possible for them to genuinely care, one would have to acknowledge there's a lot of room for abuse in this dynamic. Or a lot of room for the therapist to just fake it. It's not a bad way to earn a living. Your clients trust you implicitly, and you have all this unearned authority. You get to feel good about yourself and pat yourself on the back for "helping people," And earn a decent living for just sitting in a room and talking and pretending to care.

This doesn't describe my experience in therapy at all. It took me several years to trust my T. I still don't tell him everything. I will never take anyone's feedback as gospel.

OP, I do believe there are good Ts out there—I think mine is very smart and competent as well as kind. I'm sorry you've had this experience and hope that you find the help you need, whether that is with a different therapist or through some other means.

Hi WeaverBeaver,

I am sorry to hear about this. You didn't deserve this at all. My heart goes out to you. Good news is, you recognized this immediately and have taken action to protect yourself by reaching out to us! Recognizing your triggers is paramount to healing - pat yourself on the back for this.

I have a question: Are you diagnosed with BPD?

I know how diagnoses can be used against us to pathologize and potentially to abuse. One way you can get around this is to record your sessions (if that is legal where you live). In Canada, it is legal (under the one party consent law) and it is so very important to protect yourself in this regard as therapists can and do take advantage of their power from time to time. It can also aid us when we need to gain clarification after the fact, as the audio recordings will not lie. We are all fallible and sometimes we simply misheard and misinterpreted things. Recordings are a fail safe against this for both parties, I am surprised that therapy sessions are not recorded by policy as this would also protect clients against malicious material being authored into the health records when abuse happens.

In what context did your therapist say that your Borderline traits are disturbing?

Was it in support of you? Judging you? Was it to put your down or to blame you for a rupture between yourself and your therapist and or someone else?

Sometimes we are valid in our worries about particular phrases and words - but we are not always right about the intention for which it was made; therefore, it is our job to discern what it really means and avoid making assumptions. The only way to truly clarify something is to ask the person who said it. From what you have shared, it seems as though your therapist may have said it off the cusp (without thinking about the effects it could have on you). Everyone has personality disorder traits at times throughout their lives. Full-fledged Borderline Personality Disorder is common in society as it centers around attachment systems. Being that we are social beings and attachment is paramount to humanity's survival - it makes sense that we would make desperate attempts to salvage relationships.

**From the sounds of it, I would think your therapist meant that you have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (which is does not surprise me at all, since everyone has some traits), but that you do not meet the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD. But that does not discount the fact that it hurt you, for which your feelings are valid and you were right in bringing it up with your therapist.**

On a side note: SCREW THE DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL!!!

It is absolute hogwash. Most mental illness can be correlated with trauma - the rest is all a means for pharmaceuticals to make money off prescription drugs, which furthers research in healthcare and, "advances," how we treat those who need help. The ICD-11 just removed BPD from their manual and replaced it with Complex PTSD - which in and of itself is a necessary sign for change! Apparently there's a social movement in psychiatry and psychology where front-line workers believe Complex PTSD could replace MANY diagnosis's as it points to the CORE of the problem, rather than trying to pathologize behaviors that result from trauma for which diagnosis leads to additional traumas in the pursuit of recovery.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

This is not my experience of therapy. In fact, I was recently bemoaning to my T that it has taken me over 4 years of weekly sessions to be able to say some stuff to her. She asked how long I thought it should take - and said that if I came in and immediately opened my heart and soul and told her my deepest thoughts, feelings and fears, she would be very concerned! That's indicative of a completely different attachment problem!

Furthermore, I think it's a personal choice to pedestal anyone, and take anyone's word as gospel. Frankly - I identify as Christian and I don't take The Gospels "as gospel"!! Question everything - but also, know that we can't all be experts on everything. When my T tells me a thought/fear/experience is or is not common (she refuses to use the word "normal"), I trust her because she has talked in-depth with a lot more people than I ever will. However, of the two of us, I am the expert on me - on my thoughts, feelings, experiences.

As far as paying them to care... I think most of us would find ourselves caring about someone we talked with regularly. I mean, I care about my co-workers - even the ones I don't know well. That's not to say that I don't often feel that my T only cares because I pay her to, but I try to remember the therapist blog that is occasionally posted here, where the T explains the exchange of money accounts for the way the relationship is unbalanced. I'm paying to not have to ask if she has the bandwidth to listen to me rant for the umpteenth time about my boss or whatever. She can use the funds to do enough self-care that she can care about me.