Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

I feel like cancelling my sessions for this week. I don't feel like talking to the therapist. I don't really feel mad about her forgetting me on Thursday anymore. I just don't feel like talking to her. But maybe I should go anyway. I don't know.

I know this is a weird thing to put on the Couch, but I just sent my T this email and am feeling vulnerable about it so I'm posting it here to get some feedback from y'all.

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Dear [T],

You asked me to try to think about the ways in which erotic transference may be playing out in our relationship (right?).

I’m finding it difficult to know what to write. I agree that it’s hard to ignore the potentially erotic undercurrents in some of the things that I shared with you—wondering what your children are like, for example, or comparing the relative “compellingness” of my romantic relationship with [this guy I'm seeing] with our therapeutic relationship. Especially the bit about being afraid that you would find me repulsive as a potential object of desire (though I wonder if that has more to do with how I react to men in general). However, I don’t find myself experiencing any explicitly erotic fantasies or desires about you. I know that if this were the case I’d have a hell of a time talking about it (because I’d feel ashamed about wanting something so obviously inappropriate; because it’s always difficult to talk about unfulfillable desires, especially with the object of those desires), but it isn’t.

Regarding the actual content of what I mean when I say I felt that I “missed you” when I was [on vacation for two weeks] — I think what I mean is that I thought about you a lot, and wished I could talk with you. Like, I’d hear a song on the radio and wonder if you’d like it or not; I’d see my best friend make a parenting decision and wonder what you’d think about it; I’d get an email and hope that it would be from you. It felt like a near-constant rumble in the background, almost intrusive sometimes. I remember experiencing this with [former T] when she and I didn’t see each other for a month due to offset vacation schedules. It felt like a yearning or a longing for connection. It was intense as hell and I hated it.

Or, um… I promised myself that I’d never tell you this, but I suppose that’s a stupid thing to do in therapy: I took my copy your book [on vacation] with me, as a sort of transitional object. I hope that doesn’t bother you—I imagine you might think it silly, or even creepy. I didn’t read it again, just wanted to have it with me as a sort of moral support. I won’t do it again if you’d rather I didn’t.

I don’t know, does this clarify anything at all? I think I might need more structure in order to think about this productively—maybe in our next session you and I could come up with some specific questions for me to think about so I can’t forget or get squirrelly?

-[c]

What were you looking for in terms of feedback, chihirochild? I do admit I am slightly baffled by classing the yearning you describe as erotic transference.

I think that's a very honest email and I'm in awe of you for being able to send it. It's the sort of thing I'd want to send but would struggle with. I hope your T responds in a warm and accepting way.

Erotic transference seems to play out in many different ways. I experience it with my T, but for me it's a kind of physical attraction, not sexual per se. I wouldn't want to do anything with her. But I do want her to find me attractive and not think I'm disgusting. I'm single, but I can imagine myself comparing any new relationship with the therapeutic one in many respects. I think I see my T as someone I wish I could be and that's why I feel so much love and longing - it's like a child with the love object that is the parent, which is obviously not overtly sexual, but can be understood to have erotic undertones (thinking of Freud here, nothing abusive).

I agree that these feelings don't sound particularly erotic. Is he pushing an erotic transference agenda on you?

I had a friend who trained his cats to do that. First stage, he put the litterbox on the toilet. Then he put Saran Wrap across the seat. Third stage, no litterbox, no Saran Wrap.

I have never seen such unhappy cats in my life. He eventually went back to the litterbox. (He had roommates and there were only two bathrooms in the house. He’d taken over one for the cats.)

When I read this, I read:

"I have explicit erotic fantasties about you, but I have a hell of a time talking about it because I feel ashamed and my desires are inappropriate. It is difficult for me to talk to you about my unfulfillable desires so I will bracket my sexual feelings in parentheses and dismiss them".

The day is gray and I feel bleak. I'm sitting alone in my car at a pull off in an urban forest. I feel very lonely. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this for another 20 years. It feels like my life has been a complete waste.

One of my cats occasionally gets diahoerra (sp) for no particular eason even when he was strictly an indoor cat. I dont know how much of that was stress as he was stray that we took in. I have changed from clay litter to crystals and the cat that used to scatter the clay in a 2 metre radius now doesnt scatter at all and it doesnt track as much. I am changing my brand because this one has low odour control and i forgot how much cat poop smelled.
Also have you wormed the kitty

I think I'm interested in people's reactions in terms of whether or not what I'm describing is actually erotic transference or if this is something he's experiencing and projecting on to me. (I do know that of course this is only truly knowable by me and perhaps the therapist, but still.)

Yeah, that's what I was wondering. He and I have a very intense relationship--nothing inappropriate, just like therapeutically intense--and I wonder if he's misinterpreting some of that intensity.

Huh. I wasn't thinking about it in that way--I really don't have sexual fantasies about him or anything--but I see how you could come up with that reading.

I keep waking up feeling like I can't breathe. This cold is driving me crazy.

Chihiro, I cant see any erotic transference from the email.

I get more of a sense of paternal than erotic transference from what you wrote. Whatever it is, it sounds really difficult. I hope your T is understanding and able to help you process it.

Hey couchies. Just rolled in from visiting my oldest, the youngest slept through the ride, I was alone with my thoughts and listening to music to keep me awake and focused. Seems every time I visit we don't leave until very late and I am not as young as I used to be.

Spent 3 hours in the salon this morning for my youngest to get her hair bleached and dyed blue and teal. It's beautiful but fleeting. She loves it but when it starts fading we are both going to hate it.

Hope you all have a great weekend. Hugs and head-nods as appropriate.

SM...she has a beautiful head of hair. So healthy and long.

I slept most of the day away yesterday after I got home from therapy. I felt so emotionally and physically exhausted from the events of the past day and couldn't keep my eyes open. Today I woke up and got some stuff done. Went and sold some of the kids' outgrown clothes and toys and made a little bit of money off that. My 2nd son came with so we spent about 2 hours 1 on 1.
I'm in an irritated mood tonight. H left to go driving without saying anything. When I asked him about it he gave me attitude then told me I was the cranky one. Then he keeps making cracks about what happened on Thursday. I wish he would have to go through something like that so he'd know how it felt. Maybe I'd get some empathy for once.

Unless your cat is a voracious scratcher and has a rough enough surface to do it, they'll need claws to be trimmed periodically. I don't know anything about dog nails, but cats' are retractable and have very sensitive tissue in the center. So best to let a vet clip them and show you up close how to know how much can be safely cut. Some cats will let you do it yourself, mine won't!


Litter scatter: I've found the best thing is those boot trays that they sell at home stores for keeping wet boots off the floor. Even the typical smaller one will fit a good sized litter box with room to spare so that they step on it when they hop out of the box. But if you have room for a bigger one, even better. Some cats will use a covered box, but mine won't. The tray also catches any accidents outside the box. I haven't kept the box in the bathroom for years and the floor has never gotten wet.


If your state allows it, flushable litter is great. The one I've used for @ 15 yrs with 2 cats is Swheat Scoop; it's just made of wheat, so is even kitten safe. They say there's an enzyme in wheat that absorbs odor. IDK, but my cat's box has only a vague scent. Any "clumping" litters have cement compounds that cats ingest when they wash themselves. They sometimes cause intestinal blockages, especially in long haired cats. And anything scented often causes litter behavior issues. Swheat Scoop's a bit more expensive, but I rarely need to dump the box: just pick it out every day, flush, and add enough back to be @ 3" deep. Once a week, I dump the litter into another litter box I have, wash the first box, and add the litter back. I get it on auto-delivery at a discount with free shipping from Petco. A 12lb bag lasts one cat @ 1 month.

Cat poop shouldn't be that awful smelling, depending on what the cat is eating. Grocery store cat food leads to pretty awful poop. If you can feed a premium food, it should be OK, and also less waste because the food is nutritionally dense.

Oh--and the small size boot tray is also the perfect size to fit in a standard size kitchen cabinet under the sink--cover it with a length of paper towels, and you'll be able to spot a leak and see the water before it collects enough to ruin the cabinet! Very cool!

Today i am really pushing myself to stay off my bed for longer. It is 5:30 pm and i am starting to cave, itis helping with my mood. The animals are used to cuddles on the bed and the dog in particular isnt happy with this new routine

Sorry for all the triggers lately but

SheHulk, sorry to hear how difficult the last couple days (? longer?) have been. Anniversaries suck.

Does anyone know if there is a reliable app (for iphone) that can track gps, phone calls, text messages of someone else without installing the app on the persons phone you want to track? I’ve read up on a few and they have some mixed reviews.

Sounds a bit stalkerish. Why would you want to covertly track someone else's private business? Unless it is a parent keeping track of a minor child (even that is a bit over the top), I would have issues with this kind of app.

It may “seem" stalkerish to someone who doesn’t know the details of why someone would want to do this, but where this person lives it isnt illegal in any way, shape or form and it’s all admissible in the courts if the person was to find the other person made threats or similar.
Can anyone please PM whom may know anything about these apps and if they are reliable.