Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

I think this is what I need, someone who can just be constant and consistent. Who isn't so reactive. In some ways, with T, it's like, "Yes, I need to be able to understand that someone can be frustrated or upset with me and still accept me." But going through that with him is rather exhausting. Where he needs to tell me his every thought about how I'm affecting him. People in real life generally don't do that--right? And I've told him that some of it isn't helpful to me...yet he persists and pushes it on me.

It would be a relief to just be able to go in and talk to a T and not have to worry about any drama between us...

Therapy is not real life.

No, people in real life keep that hidden, and that’s why one never knows why one’s best friend suddenly stopped calling or whatever.

See, just as therapy can be a place of unconditional positive regard, it can also be a place to learn about one’s faults in a “safe” space. Your therapist definitely thinks it’s the latter and can’t seem to change his approach.

Well, T doesn't believe in UPR...shocking, I know! He says it's unrealistic.

Last week, we were actually talking about how I've been surprised by people in the past--(best) friends, exes--who just bailed on me without warning (like, the one ex, we were talking about taking a summer vacation together one day, he broke up with me the next--nothing happened in between that I was aware of). He said it shouldn't be that way, that there should be warning that things aren't going well. That it should never come out of the blue. I understand what he's trying to teach me. And it's an important lesson. But it just feels he's pushing it too hard at times. For example, as a parent, I realize there are times to push certain lessons/rules and times to back off more, teach them another day.

(Artie tiptoes quietly back to the couch and sits tentatively on one end)

hello everybody, just thought I'd pop in briefly. keeping busy with work, school and writing. the online writing course i'm taking is in week 3 (of 6) right now and has been quite therapeutic at times! i have been writing a lot. I hope all are well. I hope to spend some time catching up this week if I get my homework done early. Geology is a fascinating subject and part of our homework is often learning about things like specific earthquakes and stuff using google earth. I'm really enjoying this course too, as well as the writing course. Oh I also started going to drumming circles once a week again. Good stuff there. Well back to studying.

been missing you around here! I'm glad you're enjoying school.

Hi Art, was just thinking about you earlier today. Glad you're doing well!

I am watching my sisters daughter tomorrow and the husband will be the one dropping the baby off. It would be in his best interest to make a very quick exit in the AM after dropping her off.

Time for some bridge trouble!

I won’t say or do anything that could come back to haunt my sister later. He just better not say anything more than a quick hi and just turn his sorry *** around and walk out the door after he hands me the baby.

Oh, i know you wouldnt.

The bridge trouble was such a lame trick. Close lanes and tie up traffic for three days - no one will ever suspect anything. It really coulda been President Christie, if not for that. The hubris. Such a loss.

Hopefully doing some of the work, even something like a dropoff, will show your BIL whats what.

My stories DO connect. Remember its a sign of genius to connect two previously unrelated things

Parataxis. You’re like the modern Snorri Sturluson.

LT, I haven't weighed in on your situation in quite a while but research shows that the biggest single predictor of success in psychotherapy is the quality of the relationship between the therapist and the client. Can more growth occur in the context of a relationship where you feel attacked? People can help us see hard truths about ourselves without making us feel attacked; it is possible. This T simply cannot do it or is unwilling to do it.

And, I'm sorry, he doesn't believe in unconditional positive regard? What the actual blank? It may be unrealistic but it's a goal thoroughly worth striving for if you choose to make your living as a therapist. I guess some in the psychoanalytic school don't believe in it but in that case they keep their lack of positive regard to their damn selves.

I'm quitting smoking today. My H bought me a Juul. It's okay. It's different than cigarettes though. My cravings are bad. But I have to do this. I've been a smoker since I was 11 years old.

Congratulations on making the decision to quit! Take it a day at a time and I hope you have the results you hope for! ((hugs))

It’s a great choice - I’ve been smoke free 58 days ... after 30 years .... you can do this , just keep believing in yourself

I did end up going to both IOP and seeing my T today despite my wrist. I tried to hide it during group without bandaging it up (since I didn't have anything to wrap it at first) and no one mentioned it. I had time between group and my T so I ran and got some antibiotic cream and a bandage so I could wrap it up. I didn't mention it to T and he didn't mention it either. I'm feeling torn on him not saying anything, but he's also never commented on my SH scars before. I did say I hurt myself last night, and he's not stupid, so he must have connected the two. I felt like I was going to breakdown in his office today over this whole thing, but didn't want to turn into a heaping sobbing pile of nothing.

One good thing today...at least I managed to write my paper for class and turn it in before it's due. I could start on week 3's discussions tomorrow to stay ahead just in case.

Thanks for the thoughts, MP. My T has cited that before, too, about the relationship being the most important predictor of success in therapy. It felt like, despite some conflicts, we overall had a good relationship. But lately, it just doesn't feel that way anymore. It does feel more like he's attacking me lately. I mean, I guess I'm attacking him a bit, too. I don't typically do that with people.

If he had owned up more yesterday to some of what he'd said and how it made me feel, I'd be thinking about this a bit differently. But he just seems to hide behind his whole "I'm being honest with you" and "I want you to know how other people might react to you" things. You can be honest with someone without being hurtful. I'm not even sure T seems to understand what's hurtful about some of what he's said to me (particularly the stuff when he knew I was in a bad place mentally--he did admit maybe he should have saved the "manipulative" part till later when pressed). Or that he understands why some of it might be OK in his outside relationships (like friendships) but much less so with a paying client.

And yeah, the fact that he's so open about not believing in UPR and even seems to scoff at the idea...that bothers me, too.

Thinking I'm going to cancel tomorrow's session. I feel what's also telling right now is I tend to have the urge to work through things with him (or with anyone in my life) as soon as possible. Like I normally want to go make it better right away. But I really don't feel like seeing him right now. It's too soon (it was only scheduled this way because he was off Monday, then will be out of the office all day Friday). And I see consulting T Friday.

It's also probably not the best sign that I'm concerned he'll also see my canceling as manipulative. No, I just need space...

LT I don't think your T will ever "own up" because this is his style and he doesnt see anything wrong with it. Maybe he is right maybe he is wrong but in the end he is as hung up on semantics as you are. No therapy seems to be going on here and hasn't for a while. You blame your emotional state on him and how he could make it better but I think what he is saying is that you need to make it better not him.

He can't help you through this. whatever "should" happen isnt going to happen. Maybe someone else can help you make it better but he cannot. It might be time to stop looking to him to fix anything and start working out what you can do.

I agree that we both seem hung up on semantics. Which is not a good combination. He's definitely helped me in certain areas of my life. Perhaps ironically, I think one of those areas is contributing to our conflicts lately--my standing up for myself more and letting myself feel and express anger. It feels like from his perspective, he can be honest and direct, but when I do it, it's not so OK. I'm just sick of him taking everything personally instead of looking at it therapeutically. I feel like I have to protect his feelings, and I don't want to do that. I said something about that yesterday, he said I don't have to worry about his feelings, and I said but if I don't and am honest, he lashes out at me (or something like that). I forget what he said, probably just said he was being honest.

I'm aware that I ultimately need to fix what's going on with me emotionally and learn my own coping mechanisms (I've gotten better with that, too). But I feel that part of a T's role is to help me figure out how to do that. He'll talk about assorted coping/self-care things, taught me a few breathing exercises, but I feel like he's not helping me with some of the other elements. Like the deeper-seated stuff vs. how to cope in the moment. Maybe I've just used up whatever therapeutic resources he has, and now we're just stuck in some repeating cycle (I mentioned to him how I feel we're stuck in a cycle, too).

I cancelled tomorrow's session (told T to keep me on for Monday) and will see the consulting T Friday. I'm looking around for other potential longer-term therapists, too. I think I either need to terminate with T or at least take an extended break while I see someone else--or perhaps a break from therapy in general, I don't know...like take a month off, see how I feel? I just know I can't do this anymore. Therapy shouldn't be making me feel worse--I mean, yeah, there are difficult topics, and of course I'm not going to feel great talking about them. But the therapeutic relationship itself shouldn't be making me feel worse...

It all starts with a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!

Wait, what? Its a voyage down some dark alleys, but hopefully with a trusted companion.

Yeah, it just feels lately like T is making me feel worse about myself. Yesterday did not help. I no longer feel he fits the category of "trusted companion."

LT-I lost track a little bit... This was session that followed the session from when you saw him on that Sunday where you worked out the contents in the email?