Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

I texted the therapist to let her know I was running a few minutes late because the county water people were blocking my driveway. Doubtless something to do with the hurricane. She texted back "We are closed today, so sorry I forgot to tell you. [Receptionist] took everyone off the schedule for today and I told her I would call you. I'm so sorry."

I texted "ok."

She texted "Please forgive me, I'm so sorry." Then "So you decided to stay" and "I hope your ok."

I felt like ignoring her or texting "Had I evacuated, you would already know because I would have cancelled our appointment." I kind of wish I had. But I texted "I am fine" instead.

I do think she is sorry, but I am still angry. I might have reacted in a different way except I don't know when my next appointment will be. Doesn't seem like escalating things by pitching a fit over text will do anything but stoke my anger and leave me to stew in it for an indeterminate amount of time due to the hurricane.

Still, I'm mad.

I wouldn't be able to work with a T like her either.

I can always work on a nice tirade in the meantime, and even text it to her if I feel I must.

She can be sorry but you're allowed to feel angry.

Ugh, that sucks, Susannah. At least you didn't show up to find she wasn't there...But she should have called.

Had phone consult with potential T--let's call him "M" (his first initial). Was a little awkward because he was in his car. And I was afraid I was too open at the beginning, saying I was working with another T but thought I needed to change because we've had a lot of conflicts (didn't share T's name, he was fine with that). And that I think I need a different therapeutic approach. It's funny because he started with his fees and asked if they were OK, and I had to struggle not to laugh because they're so much cheaper than T's (like $110 for M, $175 for T, though T is giving me reduced rate of $150)--M has a master's, not PhD, and I think has only really been in the regular therapy field a couple years. Was a teacher for some years before that, then I think just art therapist, now regular therapist, too. Was afraid that would scare him off. Apparently he was OK with it all, as we have an intake session on Wednesday.

She needs to address the SUI thoughts and SH feelings first, then try to find the silver linings.

I'm not really sure how helpful therapists are most of the time for chronic severe depression. I'm not saying there might not have been something more helpful she could have offered, but it's hard to think of what. I do think therapy could perhaps be helpful in resolving chronic depression in some cases, but the issue is that addressing the underlying cause will almost certainly make clients feel even worse for a while. And if you're already feeling extremely depressed and struggling with suicidal thoughts, it's not really safe to do all that. Plus, I'm personally skeptical that the average therapist has any idea of how to deal with everything once they've opened Pandora's Box.

So really, they'll probably always come back to suggesting hobbies and activities as coping skills and as ways to pull yourself up. I would probably look more to your psychiatrist for help to get your head above water. I think I read somewhere recently where you said your psychiatrist spends less than 5 minutes with you. That's crazy to me. You are on a lot of meds and you have severe symptoms. Seeing you for 2-3 minutes (I think that's what you said) every few months is completely negligent. The psychiatrists I've seen spend more time than that even when things are going well, let alone when they aren't.

Yes, you're right. My pdoc spends about 2 or 3 minutes with me every 3 months. I need to be very explicit in my descriptions of my depression and sui feelings next time I see him (Nov) so that way he understands things aren't going well. I'm tempted to go off of all my meds to see if I feel any worse without them, but the rational side of me says wait, if you feel this bad on your meds, how much worse will you feel off your meds? I know there probably wasn't much practically that T could do for the depression, but I think if she would have sat there with me and explored it with me, like former T would have done, I would at least have felt heard and maybe understood. It might have bolstered my hope feelings for a while. I might bring that up to T next time that sitting with me through it might be more helpful than bringing up baking as a possible creative activity for me to try.

I haven't taken the 16 personalities thing. Probably will when I get home. For the enneagram I am a 5w6, and found that to be very accurate when I read the description. I recommend not reading about the types before taking the test.

Enneagram

I took the classical one first since it is the more accurate. Then I took the other one which gave my instinctual variant (the 6 wing). The first one shows you how strongly percentage-wise you are aligned to each type, which was interesting.

ISFP-T Adventurer

Susannah - we share an Enneagram type.

For the Enneagram I am a 9 or a 9w1

I’m a type 1, Reformer, or type 5, Investigator. It couldn’t decide.

Tomorrow I get to go see my nephew's football game. He is a junior in high school now. Boy how time flies. It is going to require me to leave work a little early but I got it approved. I just said there was something personal I needed to do. (Yeah, I need to see my nephew!) He lives five hours from us so when he plays anywhere near us (in this case a couple of hours away) we try to go see him. Hes a defensive something or another. I like football, I just don't know all the positions. He usually plays the whole game though so it should be fun to see him.

Both of my younger nephews play too, usually they get to show off their skills during halftime but that's only at home games, so I won't get to see the little ones.

Is it possible to schedule a longer appointment with the psychiatrist? Mine sees me for 25 minutes, which I really appreciate. I used to see one that just did 15 minutes, and that always felt quite rushed. So can't imagine 5 minutes... Or is it possible to send an email to your p-doc before an appointment (or through portal) outlining what you're feeling and your concerns?

God, academics.

My small class meets in a room too big for it. The room has tables, 10 or so, that each seat four. There are seven of us, so we push two tables together to make it a seminar table. Then at the end we put them back as we found them.

Thing is, we don’t always find them in the same place. Sometimes they are already in twos. Sometimes there is one giant table of all the little tables. Sometimes the tables are by themselves.

Someone who teaches in the room later that day has been throwing hissy fits about the furniture being rearranged. Mass emails. I assumed it couldn’t be my class with our two tables, but now we’re getting blamed.

So the department scheduler is trying to find my class another room. Nasty shock for the other instructor when she realizes we weren’t the problem.

I know who she is by reputation—a royal ***** and bad teacher. Who apparently has time to throw tantrums like this.

The one way I know for sure I will get a longer appointment is if I go to the ER for suicidal feelings. Then when I make an emergency appointment with the PDOC he will give me more time. But that's not really a route I want to take, if I don't have to. I'm going to see if I can get on the cancellation list or something to see if I can get in sooner than November. If I write down all of my concerns and bring him the list then I'm pretty confident he will take the time to review them with me. I think I just haven't been the best at communicating. I.E. saying, I'm kind of depressed, when I'm really depressed. And saying, I've had suicidal thoughts, when I should have been saying, If I had the means, I would have acted on it. I think I need to be more clear. The appointments I've had after I've been to the hospital have been longer though. He wants to make sure I'm okay, or he wants to cover his butt. I think he's a good PDOC, it's just that there are so many patients and there's not a lot of PDOCs where I live. And he cut his hours by 2 or 2.5 and he only works three days a week. It's kind of like, take what you can get, because there is really no one else.

Darn, I'm really disappointed. My sister said the schedule was mixed up and my nephew has a home game Saturday instead of an away game on Friday, so now I won't get to watch him play football. I'm sad.

Got discharged from IOP today, so I took off after the 2nd group instead of completing the 3rd. I should have stayed the extra hour but I'm angry and frustrated at the situation. This new psychiatrist I've seen once before is down the street from IOP and I had an appointment already scheduled this afternoon. I'm 30 minutes early just waiting.

HUGS @SheHulk07 I'm sorry you got discharged from IOP. I hope your appointment goes well with the PDOC. HUGS

I got 5 with about equal 4/6 wing

Arent these things ennegrams etc a bit like astrology Cancer with Pisces ascending?