Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Still not Thursday yet...

I'm scared to see u tomorrow
I'm really really scared to see you.

To recently ex T: it has happened twice in the past few days that thinking of you kissing me has made me shed a few tears
Hopefully I will feel the same in the future, about someone attainable 🙃

Dear t, I feel very anxious coming in next week to see you. I lost focus during the session and did not reliize it til I got home. I am also sorry for being all over with my issues. I hope you do not kick me out for it.

You're right...who am I holding it together for?

I didn't realize that was you talking in the hallway to L as I was leaving class. L and I nodded good bye to each other and I simultaneously realized that was you. I ignored you. I assume you're not offended. We have talked about it before. What we are going to do if we run into each other there. We agreed on saying hello and moving on. We both said nothing. I didn't even see your face, to be honest. We met the day before and I revealed some serious issues I'm having. Wonder if you thought about those as I walked by?

I love you. I'm glad you are my therapist. I don't really want you to be my dad or my lover, I just sometimes think I do. I really need you to be my therapist, so thanks for being that.

Ack Ack!! That was a complete accident I swear!

Wow , thank you. How are u so good

I hope you get really concerned about me when I tell you what’s been going on these past few days.

If I had the guts I would tell him how soul crushingly lonely I feel😞. My first time in my life seeing a therapist. So odds of me bringing that up are slim. He is kinda goofy.

Feeling really paranoid right now, so of course that means I'm struggling with what I know (at this second, anyway) are delusional thoughts about you. The thoughts are so bad that I can't concentrate on the schoolwork I'm trying to do.

Also, I feel kind of nauseous. I can't tell if it's a vomiting episode or migraine coming on or if it's because all I've eaten today is some Skittles. I should probably take my medication just in case.

I am seriously preoccupied with thoughts of you today, I don't know why.

Dear Info,

**** all narcissistic abusers anyway.

ATAT

Psychiatry exam 6/7 days depending on the slot I get 27/55 topics.
Clinical biochem 17 days not started
Epidemiology exam 31 days 12/60.
Infectious exam 42 days 2/132

I just feel heavy and sad. Too much thinking about being alone over the Christmas holidays and pretending that I'm okay with it.

Mountains out of molehills?

Am I even worth all of this effort?

Dear Pastor T: I don't know how you are going to react when I tell you I SH-ed this week. I'm nervous to tell you. I think you'll be okay, but it's just such a big thing to trust another person with and I don't have that trust built up with you yet. But you said to tell you if I SH so, I want to follow the "rules" and do what you ask of me. Do you know what you are asking of me? Kit

I guess I get why you need to get out of town for a few days, but all this interrupted therapy is bothering me slightly. Don’t worry, I won’t mention it to you.

I’ve known you for over 2 years which is a pretty long time. I wonder which is true - the distant relationship I feel most of the time or the hints of closeness I sometimes feel when I’m there? I genuinely assume that the distance is reality, but I think I return because I like the fantasy of feeling closer. It’s like I’m playing a game with myself, though, and it’s maddening.

Dear T,

Here’s one thing you don’t know but quite easily would understand...

Sometimes we discuss issues I’ve previously discussed with PrevT....and I unintentionally look for or expect her answer or reaction and not yours.

Sometimes I bet I don’t listen to you well enough at all.

Wow, Pre. You have given me words for what I find myself doing.

Sometimes ur my mom, neglecting and abandoning and ignoring me. Pretending I dont exist

Sometimes ur my dad , outright abusing me, hurting me

Sometimes ur my former therapist , sneaky and pulling some scam to get whT u want from me.

But I'm trying to remind myself that u are none of these people , that u are u. A totally separate individual with your own life and thoughts and feelings and needs.

And that all ur trying to do is help me recover, help me heal. And that is all you've ever been trying to do

hey t,

i like your hemorrhoid pillow.

me

I wish you would write me back. Waiting is making me anxious.

I need your attention. But I don't think you're going to give it. I emailed you right after our session yesterday while I was sitting in my car sobbing. But I doubt you're going to bother to respond to it. Right now I don't want to come tomorrow. I hate this!

I found a photo of u at the treatment center. Remember when they did the fashion show?? U dont have a beard in these . This was in 2011

Sometimes I really super miss being there .. ..... ..