Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

T, Thank you for your response to my email.
"Let’s talk more about your “typical numbness” - perhaps in next session? There seems to be judgement. Is that a general temperament or style of introversion? Conservative to express feeling? I don’t experience you as a non-feeling person, but rather, one who is cautious about where/how and with whom you share."
Just the words "I experience you" was a thoughtful choice of wording and most helpful to me. Thank you.

Oh T, I'm so sorry you've been ill. I can't text you back, I don't know what to say. Please don't feel bad for how I feel. I freaked out. I'm so relieved you are okay (ish).

Glad you heard back from your T and that she's, as you put it, Okay-ish.

I had a big realization yesterday. After we have an appointment were I felt like we went really deep and I revealed something from the past that makes me feel ashamed and I freeze, that is when I really struggle after the fact. I worry about what you really think and feel. If I reach out to you for help then I worry about inconveniencing or annoying you. If I dont contact you my fears and feeling of shame continue. I also start to question my self worth. I start to feel like I have accomplished nothing in my career. The phone contact with you is usually quite helpful. It isnt until the next appointment that I really know everything is okay.

T: Yesterday was a doozy. Licensing came which is always stressful, and I had forgotten to clean a potty, so a STUPID mistake on my part. I’m still mad over it bc i am so good about cleaning them! And I was angry all day. Partially maybe as a therapy hangover and partially over the situation w D. Then i drank for the first time in over a month. THEN i had an awful nightmare, which i haven’t remembered or had in awhile.

That's a really scary dream! Sorry you have it.

Just two more exams to get through, if I can finish both before december. Then I'd just have have two weeks of internal in jan then would be free from the 12th jan to 17th feb!

Epi = 60 topics.
Infectious is one of the biggest of the year 132 topics.

So my day off tomorrow will be spent at the gym and studying.

P.s I love you.

thanks! unfortunately, those type of nightmares are par for the course around here

My heart stops when you look at me.

She just looks at me so intensely. Ugh. maybe I should go back on my birth control just to get rid of these hormones. They suck. I’m not used to feeling like this.

Hi T, missed you a bit today. Part of me didn't want to write "no need to reply" in my email to you today, but I thought there was no need to risk an unsatisfying reply that might make me feel bad. Safer to just ask you not to reply. Love you.

I regret emailing you, I regret
I regret becoming vulnerable and opening up to you about s*** that I should’ve kept to myself to avoid getting hurt, because I know it’s inevitable.

Hugs, Summer, be safe...

Thanks LT.. I feel terrible for always coming to this forum with my

This morning I freaked out about the calories in my iced latte so I dumped it out when there was half of it left. The size of my thighs are driving me crazy though even though my mom says they are fine.

Hugs, it's OK. It's what we're here for. We want you to be alive!

Please don't feel bad. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see you post

Dear T,
I kept repeating some of what you said today in my head while D was freaking out a bit tonight. It helped. And I asked her if she wanted a hug, and she did. She's going to sleep now. I should soon, too. But thanks for more validation today. It was like a verbal hug.
Love,

LT

i wish you had just simply said "what can i do to help you?" !!!!

I wish it would be possible for us to talk both on Wednesday and Friday this week. I worry that it would seem excessive and not possible for you to do since you're already going to be taking time out of your vacation to talk to me on the phone Wednesday.

As the holiday season is fast approaching, I can't help but think about the holidays. I miss the decorations in your home office. Yesterday I was reminded of how you never really learned to cook or bake. In the last couple of years as you were trying to learn, you asked me for advice. I miss bot being able to bring you a homemade apple pie from my son and cookies and candy I made. Such wonderful memories. Thank you for the memories. I miss you.

Thank you for texting back so quickly to reassure me about my freak out and everything is fine for our next session. I'd have been panicking so much if I hadn't known that or you hadn't replied. You must be better so that's a relief too. Love you T.

I do whatever I want.

I sort of wish I hadn’t canceled this coming week, but I don’t want to tell you that.

Just missing you now.

4 more sessions till your Christmas break.

Next exams in 11 and 22 days.

ANSWER MY EMAIL AND SAY NICE STUFF TO ME. I am full of rage today. I am menstruating, there is NOTHING sweet in the house. NOTHING. This is basically like prison. Some greedy pig ate all the crisps last night and so I am also in the midst of a serious carbohydrate famine - oh yes, that's right, it was me who ate all the crisps because I was pining for you and salty potato snacks were the closest thing to maternal love I had to hand. I am so needy and bleedy and somehow all this is your fault. Let's face it, when was the last time you made me a hot water bottle for my back and uterine pain? Never!!! Never, not once. The one time I could accept some comfort - or at least chocolate - and you are nowhere to be seen. Probably out for Sunday lunch with that girlfriend of yours. God, I hate her more than I hate you. I am going to check my inbox again and if you haven't answered, I WILL NEVER COME TO ANOTHER SESSION AGAIN.


(Except Wednesday's session because I really want to talk about how we will commemorate our three years of working together. It has been life changing and hard and beautiful).

Did I say commemorate?! I meant COMMISERATE!!