Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

T,

I need to talk to you about tough stuff I've been avoiding, but if I don't pull myself together, don't sever my attachment to you, and stop procrastinating, I'm losing my relationship and possibly choosing to die miserable after living out my duties to my parents and abusive sibling.

how exactly do you think you are helping me?!

Dear Regular T: dang, I miss you. I wish I could talk to you. All I want to do is SH. I can't even remember why I don't want to SH. This is tough. See you on the 11th. Kit

Everything feels fragile but I’m ok. I need my routine back. I’m in a constant state of anxiety. I’m ok. I’m ok. I hope you don’t forget me. I hope it’s ok when you’re back, if you’re back.

Dear T,
Thanks for the "It was good seeing you today." It seemed very genuine. Perhaps you missed me, too? OK, maybe I'm overreaching there, but you did seem to be glad I was there. With the "Hello, stranger" with a smile. Hope you can help me figure out what's going on with my reaction to sex with H recently. I appreciate that you seemed to feel bad that you didn't have an immediate answer for me as to what it's about and that you were sorry I was struggling with it. I don't expect you to be a miracle worker. I hope we can figure it out together.

Love,
LT

I hate that you didn’t respond to the email that I told you not to respond to.

I am hating you right now. I told you last week that there are things I don't like talking about. I feel sick about having to see you again tomorrow. I am dreading that session already. I hope you just terminate me. I wish you would have just terminated me today instead of dragging it out until tomorrow. I am NOT going to make another one year commitment. I hate you. Why do care what I do?

I know I'm really setting myself back by staying. Today was a full blown argument over something so stupid. I can't ever imagine you reacting that way and the truth be told it was scary watching him fly off in a rage at my mother. I didn't stay quiet though even if it did earn me something's in return, but it doesn't matter your opinion of me is
more important than his.

T: I know I won't hear from you until Monday, and I hope to be able to see you Tuesday, but I swear this Christmas was the worst I can remember in recent years. I didn't go back last year, so that doesn't count. I feel so completely dead inside and I don't think you can fix it.

So H is getting frustrated. We’ve got to the point we joke about my anxiety/paranoia. However he’s concerned I’m getting worse. I’m getting better than I was last session but in general I’m getting worse.

Today is a pretty big day for me, I wish I could tell you about the wonderful evening. I know you would want details rather than just a brief passing "how did it go"

Sending that email made me feel really vulnerable.

I am dreading seeing you again already and I don't want to dis uss my private matters that insist on talking about and negotiating a contract. I feel betrayed by you. You just told me a week ago ago that you hope I will be honest on tgat stupid diary card a look where got me. I hate you right now.

I am so sad, and this feeling of hopelessness keeps coming back every few days now for so many years. I doubt this will ever go away and I am afraid to see my life unfold in a way that I dread. I don't have any hope that I can achieve anything, especially career-wise, because of these feelings that make me lethargic and which by now I give in to all the time.

you are the only person in the world that makes me feel ok for being alive but your killing me!

I feel really sh I t t y right now.

I hate having homework from you..

Difficult day. I don’t really have the words.

Dear T,
Your reply meant a lot--thank you. Still really nervous to talk to him. But at least you've helped give me words/points to make. And I appreciate the compassion in there as well.

Love,
LT

How in GODS NAME did you manage to create a rupture after we left on good terms? I mean, jeez, that took some skill.

I feel so low. I think I'm going to have to cut down sessions to two a month for money reasons and I'm scared of the sense of pulling away this will create. I'm scared of losing you. I feel awful anyway after Christmas but your text response on Christmas eve meant a lot. It just feels really hard at the moment. I need you to be there. I won't always be able to afford to see you and I need to prepare for that..

I've had three extremely difficult sessions with you. I felt as if you were blaming me for what others have done to me. I was scared to come back after the first time, I was even more scared after the second time. I don't trust you anymore, I attach no value whatsoever to your words and yet they hurt. I feel relieved I won't see you before the end of January.

My news years resolution is to lose 20 pounds. No I don’t have an eating disorder. Intermittent fasting is healthy restricting. Please be supportive instead of telling me not to do it and then tattling on me to Pdoc. I weigh 166. 20 pounds to get to 146 is perfectly reasonable.

I had a really nice day out yesterday at winter wonderland then spent 25 mins in the evening crying in the bathroom. The worst thing is just not having your own space and nowhere to go.

This house is not a home. The waterworks started at being called a mentally sick bit*h, when i'm already trying so hard to stay afloat not any of the other stuff.

I came back because I wanted to spend time with my sisters that's all.

and i get that it's only been two days since my email, but your silent.

5 days till i go back.

tell me why I shouldn't cancel my appt with you next week! you wouldn't care anyways

am just another number in the book of your list of 100 or more clients/patients.....