Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I hope 2020 brings you half the suffering I've gone through this year. Let's see yóu get back on your feet ...

Whomever, said grief gets easier with time was a liar. The stretches in time between the excruciating pain may get longer but when it hits, it is like I lost you yesterday.

I’m not really that surprised that you forgot about me but had a logical excuse for it, and now I’m in the same spot I’m always in.

It’s exactly what I keep telling you. That this process is mean, because you are my current lifeline and I’m a nobody to you.

You are off living your life, and I can’t fault you for it. It’s not your fault I’m the way I am and if I push too hard you will probably just leave for good... and I can’t handle that right now if I’m freaking out over this.

However, maybe we should just work on management of my issues instead of believing that things will actually improve. Palliative care, in a sense. I no longer believe I can heal from anything.

Curious to know what he said this in response to or what the context was LT. Was it after you asked him about the ring? Said something to my T once about how I think they probably find me annoying at times amongst other things and they nodded in agreement which bothered me

Ugh T. Today's session wasn't good. I know I was extra quiet and I feel like absolute shite right now, but still. I hate me and I hate my life.

A 2 week vacation just sucks. I want to talk about it when I see you next. I suspect you will handle it well. Although when I mentioned my fear some will happen to you (car accident or whatever) you validated that given my situation it is extremely understandable and that you couldn't predict the future but you are happy where you are career wise. It kind of fell flat. I wished we discussed it more

Dear t, I’m a little drunks. Or maybe a lot. Sort of miss you and kind wish I could f*** you also. Happy new year.

ive told you i dont want to move away cause i dont want to leave California for the deserts of Arizona but the real reason is cause i dont want to leave you. i cant get up the nerve to say this to you for fear of what you might think of me and what you'll say. im shattered, can hardly eat or sleep much less take my meds because of this. Why do you never ASK what's on my mind? Perhaps if you do i might tell you.

It means so much that you're real with me and do stuff like reply to my drunken new year text at midnight! Love you T

Happy New Year! Thank you for your support.

You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy ******.

Hey, that's my line. Although I would not use the word "cheap" to be honest

Day 15 without you done, with zero contact of course.

Just saying,but you did this during your last break too. Which also caused a rupture.Did you lose your phone or not have any access to a laptop during this break too?

Maybe I do sound rather deranged, it's only 20 days after all, but you did previously let me email you whilst you were away. I don't think it's too much to offer some contact to clients and reading about other T's does get to me.

I actually like having the extra money. Because I didn't see you for two weeks I can afford to spend £6 on just chocolate and visit silly places like starbucks almost daily and still have more than half left over.

I genuinely feel like I’ll never see you again. Even though I see you on Monday. You feel like a memory. I feel like you won’t be there. I’m quite anxious. The same sort of anxious I feel for myself when I’m anywhere but home. You feel distant, basically. Almost entirely. I feel strange. I miss you. Say you’re ok?

I'm on the fence about wanting to see you tomorrow or not. Part of me needs to talk and work on things so it doesn't pile up and I explode. But the other part doesn't want to come because it almost feels pointless to see you 1 day then have another break (aka the weekend). And I don't want to come back after 2 weeks and say I've been .

T. I am tired and depressed. From what you said near the end of last session, you will be pushing me to volunteer or do stuff to help out others. Basically, to get out of my head. I get it, but it makes me more depressed and a little angry too. I don't know why. I feel absolutely hopeless, T.

I just feel so sad about leaving again and being away from my siblings.

Oh s***. Good thing this thread exists, or drunk me might have actually emailed this to my T last night.. something sober me would not appreciate

You realise that was a trick question, right? Even someone as misattuned as you should realise that it's a trap. I designed it to manipulate you into rescuing me. So, you can either rescue me and fail at your job because you colluded with my helplessness; or you can refuse to rescue me and fail at your job because you have damaged our relationship and colluded with my shame. I am so smart!

I am already hating you today because I know you are going to insist on continuing to work on the sui treatment plan. I'm still going to push back too. Why can't you take a long vacation?

I’m feeling really impatient to see you. There’s nothing in particular I feel an urgent need to talk to you about, I just want to see you and talk with you.

Sometimes it feels like therapy is the only emotionally relevant thing that happens in my week.

Thank you for your email.

Intense is one word...

Day 16 with zero contact done. The weekend now just feels like a home run.

Exam on tuesday.

Dear T,
It's probably best I didn't get to that other part, especially with just a little time left. I'll give more thought over the weekend as to whether to bring it up next week. I feel I'd need to word it exactly right and am unsure how to do that yet. So perhaps best to just let it go. At least you seemed understanding about the various narratives in my head. And they led to some interesting discussion. Your comment on how I can never know what you actually think of me was...interesting. I mean, I guess you're right that you can never truly know what someone thinks of you, as they could be lying or leaving stuff out. But now I think I'm even more curious as to what you think of me... perhaps it's for the best I won't ever truly know!

And I hope you didn't catch the flicker of guilt that went across my face when you commented on how a certain sort of online investigation might have bothered you. But I didn't do the actual thing you described--and wouldn't, as that seems more underhanded and like snooping. It was much more minor than that. Still not gonna share!

Love,
LT

Dear T (both of you): Crap!!!! I'm going to have to tell you that I SH-ed. Okay, I SH-ed a lot. Okay, I should have gone to the ER for stitches and I didn't, and now I think it is too late! Thing is, I'm not done. I'm sorry to say. But it's true. I know there will be more marks on me before all of this is through. I'm in this freaked out, paranoid zone. Can't clear my headspace. Trying to not let the guilt set in. Kit