Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I’m thinking about what you said. I might be willing to do one both of the things you suggested (cutting contact with my parents for a while and also the thing under the trigger)

Did you see I accidentally sent you a facebook request? Oops...

So T something happened around an hour ago and i'm still crying about it now in my brother's bed.

Yes i did make a mistake in coming back and I just want to leave. I knew I wouldn't have the picture perfect christmas tree , or stockings,presents tucked under the tree or the fancy dinner. I just wanted to believe so badly that this year christmas would be different.

I'm so ashamed and you've only been gone less than 6 days.

T: Please hope for me that my time in NY will go okay--esp with my mom. Nervous now.

Please don’t cancel again. You just cancelled last week and myself and probably many others need to see you before Christmas. At least if you cancel don’t get cheesed about me calling into work on Saturday. Because if you can call in because your sick then why isn’t it ok for me to do it because I’m sick?

We don't celebrate Christmas here, but we have long New Year holidays, so I'll have to spend about 2 weeks at home with my abusive parents without seeing you or my dear coworkers. I can't even think about it. I don't know how to survive.

I also quit my meds again. It made me feel worse. I didn't tell you yesterday.

Well, you really could have handled that better. Thanks for the festive shame-bomb.

The Compassion Question (yes, that's what we're calling it now) contributed to keeping me awake last night. Intellectually, of course I believe I'm deserving of 'compassion, kindness and love', but...everybody is. And 'everybody' includes them. Bastards.

Today was better mainly because I spent 3 hours studying in my local Starbucks.

£80 (therapy fees) to spend guilt free...

I hate Christmas.

I've played that song by the band you like
multiple times, but still don't feel connected to you at all.

It's like what I said before: HIn the movie the day after tomorrow when the dad says : " I will come for you". How could he find his son if he didn't know where he was. I don't know where you are.

Thirty years later and I'm still not ready to tackle this topic. I hate talking about it because I feel so alone. I can't handle it and I still don't feel like I have the support to get past it. I feel lost and stuck and overwhelmed. Thanks for trying, but I think I give up on this one.

Do you actually like me? I mean I know our sessions always go good so I guess that’s what really matters. And we do connect. But do you like me. And why do I for some reason not really care if you do yet am wondering?

Oh I don’t know. I just would like to talk to you, but without seeing you. Come back.

You were in my dream the other night. We were sat on a bench in a park. It was cold so I was huddled up to you. You were talking but I couldn't hear you, you realise so stop taking and put your arm around me sort of tucking me inside your coat. I put my cold hand up in between your jumper and shirt, you laugh and and put your head on top of mine. Then we just sit there warm and safe, watching the leaves fall and sky eventually darken.
On the one hand it was lovely and made a nice change from the horrific nightmares I've had lately, but on the other hand it sort of cut more deeply. Reminding me how much I miss you and miss working with you.

See I don't need you. I dont need anyone.

T: this is painful. just a few hours w my mom and i have nothing to say. SEE: i AM an empty shell.

Dear T,
Well, Christmas Eve dinner has been survived. Now have to get through tomorrow. Hopefully I can sleep a bit better tonight compared to last night, but having my doubts...It would be nice if I could not have any dreams about that man from my past or cats or people attacking me--that would help, I think...

Miss you.

Love,
LT

T,
I have to do more than 1-2x a month. I changed companies to see someone more often than 2x a month.

Hugs my friend

Counting down the days till I leave again.

(9 )

I know I keep making the same mistakes over and over again with regards to coming back.

13 days left until you come back and oh yes that exam on the same day, which I haven't exactly been studying for.

~Options:
a) I could email you now to say "hi".
b) I could act out and cancel our next upcoming sessions after all you did choose to leave after all.
c) send no emails for now and carry on watching random youtube videos and the current one about stars whose careers were damaged by regular people.

I’m doing quite well. I’m low on words though. Low on mood, too. But I’m managing quite well.

T: That was the LONGEST two days. I really hope you still plan on working on tuesday.

Well Christmas did not go as well as Thanksgiving. I guess she was no longer just happy to see me after 3 years away. She an push my buttons in an instant. I am not looking forward to seeing you tomorrow and I am sure you will not be happy to see me or hear about the state of my head. I am not in a good place and I am not in the mood to discuss it with you. Just be grateful that you did not have the childhood I had or have to still experience the fallout of a lifetime of abuse. Holidays are the absolute worst time of year. Why can't we include holidays in the PC culture of the US right now. The constant pushing of "holiday happiness" gushing out of every inch of the media and society is extremely disturbing for some people and there is currently only one way to avoid it. I know this will never happen but I wish the world could be more sensitive to people struggling during the holidays.

18 days off work just for Christmas?

“Goodbye and good luck.”