Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I ran into my old best friend at the bus stop outside the hospital. I honestly thought she would pretend that she hadn't seen me, but she came over and hugged me which I didn't expect.

We got on the same bus and chatted to the center like it was normal.

"I miss New York and I miss the music
Me and my friends, we miss rock and roll
I want s*it to feel just like it used to
And, baby, I was doing nothing the most of all"

I know yesterday you mentioned me restricting food and I had a slight tone and said “I’m “not” restricting” and you said “ok”. Then when I got home and looked over my food notes from the last few days I realized I guess I kind of wasn’t telling the truth without really realizing it. Today for sure yeah I restricted. I went 20 hours without eating any actual food. You know why though. I told you yesterday.

Dear T,

I probably won't throw away the alcohol..maybe put it in the deep freezer downstairs but I do like to have a drink every once in a while. I know it's a slippery slope with the SH though.

I talk to you about things that I don’t talk to other people about, but who can I talk to about you? I’m confused about you.

Dear T,

I am thankful for you today. I am so glad you are my T.

I'm cancelling on that party I agreed to go to.
It just feels like it's too much and I'm overwhelmed.
It's hard enough not to miss classes.

p.s I hope you like the biscuits and the books I sent.

I am thankful that I don't have to see you today. I love taking breaks. The world is spinning too fast and I either need time to catch up or jump off. EMDR has been brutal lately.
I hope you are having a good holiday because I certainly won't. I haven't seen my mother in 3 years and I have been dreading this for weeks.

Thank you for helping me feel held today, even if we didn't end up getting into exactly what I wanted to cover.

Dear T,
Your reply to my cheesy Thanksgiving email made me tear up (in a good way). Thanks for that. And I hadn't expected you to reply today, with it being a holiday.
Love you,
LT

Happy Thanksgiving M.

I hope your day is filled with love and laughter with your family.

I am thankful for you and what you have helped me sort out and grow from these past years.

You are awesome!

Trail

I'm going to email later on today to un-cancel my appointment.

P.s Just sayin I never used to say I was going to cancel a session when I paid for the month up front.

Sorry for sounding like a total idiot on the phone 10 minutes ago. That’s how I sound when I haven’t eaten for hours and am really lightheaded. What I was saying was I told you on Tuesday I hadn’t been restricting food but I looked at my notes and I realized I was without actually realizing it. And I skipped thanksgiving because the food part was freaking me out. My family just thinks I’m not feeling good and don’t want to deal with that cousin. And I did tell my mom a little bit about what we are going to talk about and Tuesday and I think she understood but I’m not sure.

Dear T,
I survived Thanksgiving with my family! I think our sessions this week and your reply to my email helped. Remind me to tell you about something with my aunt that helped illuminate the differences between my mom and me. Hope yours was good as well.

Love,
LT

T: I hope you had a good holiday today. I skipped out on going to T's house, and laid in bed depressed. I sort of want to cancel next week. I am a failure.

I know that it is part of therapy, that you proposed that we should go out to somewhere public. I tried to hide my emotions and made it look like I wasn't too thrilled about it, but actually I'm looking forward to it. I want to go out with you and maybe have a drink or two. I'm a mess. All my feelings are mixed up.

I want to write to you. But I don't know what to say.

Funny time of year - the anniversary of George Harrison's death today, and the anniversary of my starting the project that turned sour tomorrow. That smarts. It all smarts.

Now that I actually think about it I feel more anxious about the idea of our upcoming session.

I know I'm email trigger happy right now, but I'm sorry I can't do this - I just want to focus on my two remaining exams.We agreed to open sessions and the whole i'll see you when I see you so I'll see you when I see you.

P.s Una I don't care if I've cancelled then asked for my session then emailed to cancel again all within 2 days.

You are really beautiful. Infuriating and inconsistent, confusing and strange, but you are beautiful and I miss you. I am dreading the possibility that you have forgotten our plan to mark our three year's work at the next session.

I don't like this agreement!

I want to text you and make threats, but I should stop doing that.

This is me too.

I am really sorry about those 3 phone calls in less than an hour. Don’t get weirded out by me. I haven’t been the same for a week now and I don’t know what’s going on. But something isn’t right and it happened immediately after I fell last Saturday.

there are some things I probably should tell you but I'm too nervous. the only way I could was if I could take one session and just say them, then push the 'erase' button and you'd forget.

ExT i still dont know what to do without you

The anniversary of the blog that happened because of the thing that didn't...strange day. I want out of my own mind.