Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

T, i feel really awful.

If I talk to you, you'll tell me to go out with a friend or see a movie or something and I don't effing want to. Eff you for having the same damn useless solution for everything.

Dear EMDR T, seeing you interact with a kid in the waiting room has activated some big feelings

Dear T,
Thanks for listening to me today, for respecting my limits and for making me laugh (I will try to forget when you laughed at me).
Someday, I will tell you a "thank you" in person.

I really wish I knew what triggers these intense feelings of missing you. It makes my chest ache! I also wish we could continue working together, there's obviously still a barrier in the processing somewhere. Otherwise I'd be able to articulate this more clearly (and maybe be able to get a proper nights sleep).

T,

If I were truly honest with you and pdoc, I'm sure I'd be in the hospital right now. I hate that it feels like a go to solution for everyone.."If you want to hurt yourself or feel you can't be safe, go to the hospital." That's not a solution for me when H is the only one working, we don't have anyone to watch the kids if I went in, and we can't afford to lose the money. So then my solution is just to shut up about how badly I'm hurting right now. How the heck do people do this? I hate feeling this way.

I'm so sorry Shehulk. It sucks, and I wish mental health could be taken as a priority as one's physical health. If you needed surgery and had to be in the hospital for a week or so, you'd guys figure it out. But, since its "only" one's mental Health, it doesn't feel the same. Or at least that is the vibe I am getting. If I am way off base, feel free to tell me. I am sorry you are feeling so terrible.

T: I can't believe I told you right away that I wanted to cancel and the reason why. You said that showed growth, that there have been many times in the past when it wasn't so easy to tell you something like that, and you are right. I left not feeling worse, which surprised me. I am exhausted, but am glad you are still in my corner.

Thank you. I've been in the hospital for both physical and mental health...longest one was back in April when I got septic for 10 days. H got upset at me for that and blamed me for him failing his class at school. We had his mom watch the kids but she always complains and made it worse. We'd figure it out if that's really what needs to be done but not without a fight.

you know the feelings are strong right now, it's not fair

I do and don't wish you had had time to see me today.

I’m so frustrated with you. If I’d had the energy I would have walked out on you today.

I feel like tomorrow's session is going to be particularly important. I want to show you the new drawing, so that I can talk about that and then...talk about the feelings.

Dear T,
Did you realize that was H and D in the waiting room today for P? H knew it was you. Of course I'll actually ask you this tomorrow.
Love,
LT

Dear Regular T: I'm sorry I upset you yesterday when I told you about my Sui Attempt. I'm sorry I made you feel like you were going to have a heart attack. I didn't really think it would affect you that much. I feel like a horrible person. =( Kit

Thank you for writing those reminders for me. It means a lot that you remembered.

I really miss you today.

I've delayed my exams and will do one on the 12th and the other after Christmas.

I can picture you saying "I wish you could have talked to me."

I don't have word- just tears.

Dear T,
Thanks for saying you hoped I was OK in your text reply. That means a lot. And saying it's OK to email to explain more. Because normally, you'd just reply with your availability, no other comment. This felt much more caring than just "2:30?" So, thanks. Though maybe you just want to know if you've stepped in it, and, if so, in what manner!

Love,
LT

My stomach hurts. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Sorry for cancelling on you 3 minutes before session via text. Whoops.

I don't feel ok right now. I would like to talk to you...

I love you. But I don't want to see you tomorrow. I want to cut and run, because I don't see how this ever gets resolved. And it would be a hell of a lot less painful than last time. It really doesn't matter if I tell you I love you. I know that. It's not even really about you.

Dear stupid therapy center,

I contacted you for help with PTSD but you said you can't help me because you don't have anyone who works with the autistic population. I'm sure I could find a professional who works with the autistic population but I doubt they will know anything about PTSD so I don't really see a point in calling them. So am I supposed to just see nobody then? What a stupid center you are for not including people. It's individual therapy so it's supposed to be individualized anyway yet you still expect me to fit into some stupid box. Ugh, I hate having multiple diagnoses.

-Butterfly

i wish I could honestly tell you how bad/tough things have gotten now

also wish I could tell you about my ptsd (one part) and what that's been doing to me lately

I cancelled. I feel better. Kind of.

I just love you so much