Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I think I chose poorly again. My goodness, will I never learn? What do I do now? I’m in way too deep.

Of course you weren't here when I needed you. You never are these days. I wonder why I pay you

please please please work NYE. I know you said you were 90% sure you were, but you have a history of backing out last minute. Please don't do that.

Turbulence...

I went in and discussed some heavy stuff last night. Now you are taking two weeks vacation. Never before has a T taken 2 weeks. I am just now getting us to you taking a few week long vacations and no contact. 2 weeks during the holidays will ne really hard.

You're not there, are you? Why did I reach out?

You patted me on the back when I left last week. I feel like an imbecile for going to my car and having a panic attack because of it.

When you placed your hand over your breast as we looked at the book, I thought I would cry. You looked beautiful.

I'm obsessed with yoooouuuuuuuuuuuuu

Can you just quit fighting me? I'm exhausted. You must also be exhausted. Just give up already.

You rubbed my arm as I was leaving
It felt nice. You've never done that before. See you in three weeks, T. Love you.

I can't belive I have to see you again tomorrow already. I swear every time I turn around it's appointment day again. No wonder I never get a chance to do the work I am supposed to be doing on my own.

I know you are frustrated with my wanting to quit. I know I am a pain in the *** even though you said being stubborn is a good trait for me to have. Thank you for putting up with although I would be perfectly fine and would actually welcome you terminating me. I'm sure you know that too and that is why you will not do it, simply out of spite to irritate me.

I left yesterday in a very good mood knowing that we will not meet on the next 2 Tuesdays. Yeah!!! Enjoy your time off from me and I will certainly do the same.

Thanks for putting up with me and my silences and for talking with PDOC, I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own. PDOC told me that you're worried about me, I don't think I like that. I will try to forget that she told me that.

T: I hate what I just wrote in my journal. It is stupid and pathetic. Its going to take a lot of courage to be able to give it to you to read when I see you next. I'm sorry that I am such a pathetic loser.

Leaving you next month to move to AZ is going to be the hardest thing ive ever done. i dont know how im going to do it and you're not helping me. i guess it doesn't bother you at all that im in pain and at this point would rather die than leave. i hate myself for being so weak and wish you would show just a modicum of interest, i know it would make me feel better but i know you just can't wait to get rid of me, ive overstayed my welcome so to speak. Why can't i tell you this in person?

i wanted to send you a song i was listening to

but i didn't

then i wanted to send you an article i was reading

but didn't ofc

it's strange, because i suddenly seem to have a surge of feeling for you that had become less intense recently. also, simultaneously, feelings of anger about some things you said and how you said them. glad to be talking to (another) therapist tomorrow, maybe that will help in sorting some things out for myself

i keep having difficulty understanding that it is a bad idea to send you stuff. it makes me laugh at myself because it should be something so simple, but i keep thinking: but you would like it! but you would like to hear/read X! we are just people! it's forced to not (be allowed to) share these things!

My first day back so far has been okay, but I just feel a bit sad right now. I really missed you today. I haven't stepped foot in my grandmother's room. I can't do and just walk past. I wasn't a very good granddaughter.

I actually got my sister Y to actually agree to see someone. So far she's agreed to three sessions only. I emailed just now asking to arrange a free 20 min consultation with T1, so hopefully she will reply back soon.

Also going to email someone else, but wonder if I should as she only has only has 2 years experience but she has her availability listed online and could see her as soon as the 31st.

Thank you so much for that email. I physically felt the anxiety melt away. I just need another message like that every day for the next three weeks and I will be fine...

I'm feeling forgotten.

I don’t want to be here.

But I won’t tell you that. I will be a good client and whine for an hour then go away.

Well, that sucked.

I really wish you weren't on vacation right now.

1.56am and I'm awake.

I did find someone who could see her today at 6pm for a full session, but i'm just wondering if i'm making the right choice. I'm open to trying a few different ones to see who works best for her.

I think I'm getting a migraine... but maybe I will wake up tomorrow and feel better and it will have just been all the upset from this evening, and I won't have caused myself a migraine into the bargain. I just feel really sick to my stomach and my head is killing me. That usually doesn't bode well...

I feel alone.