Couch 206: The Hersilia Couch

I'm having a Smirnoff Ice

I'll have the " chai spice ristretto americano con panna" like my lover.

@@ tried, but When you're gone all sanity flies out of the window.

Not that you know what the underlying cause is- I think you'll be able to get to where you want to go.

Sorry it should have been *Now

R did get back to me at 9.30pm yesterday.

I'm on a roll this morning.

Psychiatry topics done so far =6/58
Epidemiology 2/60
Infectious 0/136

Mustn't drink and text T. I'm at a "family" gathering, they're dysfunctional people, and I'm miserable and tempted to drink.

Edit: Ok, just one drink. No more

I was in and out of sleep from 7pm-10pm last night. Then I fell asleep for the night around 11 and slept till 7am. That’s a lot of rest.

Errands to run today then I’m babysitting tonight but the kids I’m watching will be asleep.

Can you leave a bit early? By making up an appointment or just finding a quiet place in the house.

Maybe If they're so absorbed they might not notice you slipping out just to walk around the block.

I'm glad you got some much needed rest.

Did you solve the being hungry at work problem you mentioned before?

Nope, parents are my ride. But I'm silently sitting on the living room sofa now while nearly everyone is at the dining table talking.

My mum is talking in the living room, teaching my 6yo nephew how to play a game on her smartphone. Texting T, because it really hurts to watch my mum right now. By the time I was 5, I was being frequently beaten. Since I was a young child, she threw her parenting responsibility over to my sister and me. She physically abused me all the way till I was 25/26. I've had to parent her from a young age.

Dad and his siblings are drinking and laughing about their loving childhood. Dad and his siblings are all harshly critical and judgmental IF they deign to talk to me. I was never liked, much less loved by them. I was a withdrawn and fearful kid (due to the parental abuse) and they shamed me for it. I'm glad they are kind and good to my outgoing nephews but it's painful.

Glad you got some rest, Jersey.

That must be really difficult to watch, QM.

Hugs to all who need/want and head nods also as appropriate all around.

Ended up having a very productive session despite fearing that I had nothing to talk about. We discussed this mentor I'd fallen in love with in med school and how some aspects of that relationship colored our current therapeutic relationship. We can't quite seem to leave the thread of erotic transference alone.

Because yesterday's session was on the intense side, I am feeling like I want to contact my T... but I don't actually have anything to say to him. I'm not totally sure what I want to achieve by connecting with him.

You want to connect with him. The person you shared an intense emotional experience with. I've felt that way also.

I have been going through that since I have been stuck at home.

I'm feeling irrationally angry at my therapist this morning. Why does he get to go away and ignore me like I don't even exist anymore? I don't matter to him but he matters to me. This feels just like my marriage where I was a fool for so long. I want to no-show to our next session just to show him but that will just prove I am a fool for having feelings about him. I don't want to feel like this. I want to go back to our sessions and feel connected again. But I don't want to be the only one in the relationship with feelings again. This is hard.

I really relate to this NP and I'm sure you know it's so common to feel like it. Doesn't make it any easier though. Do you get the sense your t cares? I ask because I know my t cares which helps me while I try to manage all the painful feelings around connecting with her and her being a therapist etc. I feel much the same way as you do re wishing I didn't have strong feelings for her and not wanting to show I care because it's one sided in the sense she doesn't need me the same way. I know she cares but it's not as I'd want it. I experience the same kind of anger re her going away as you are with your t. I'm angry at her currently for different reasons but it's still around caring and wanting to mean more to her than I think I do and feeling ignored. This push-pull of vulnerability is so hard. It takes courage to admit feelings especially when it doesn't seem the feelings will be reciprocated in the same way.

I know he cares. He's told me a hundred times both verbally and in writing. We even had two phone check-ins while he's been gone. I sent him one email asking if he was still there and he chose not to respond to it. I shouldn't have sent it. I'm an idiot for thinking it wouldn't matter if he responded or not. Now that I'm out of my relationship, I can look back and see all the times that my feelings weren't reciprocated. How could you say you love someone and treat them the way he treated me? It feels like he must have been laughing at me all along. And now he's probably going to get half of everything from me in the divorce when he did not contribute financially at all just because I was stupid enough to marry him. When someone abuses you and tries to burn your house down, they shouldn't get anything. He's made a complete fool of me. And now I'm the complete fool in the therapy relationship too because he means a lot to me but I'm just another client.
Even if he cares about me, I'm still just another client.

I'll just be over here eating my feelings.

Its so painful to care deeply about someone no matter who they are or what their role and feel they don't mean the same to you But the fact you cared about your ex says so much about you and your capacity to love, even though he wasn't able to love back. I know that probably doesn't help, but I think being able to open your heart is a beautiful thing, its just so sad and awful when the other person can't meet you there. In fact it's one of the worst things in the world and the temptation is to shut back down as nothing is worth that pain but I keep believing it IS worth it, somehow, maybe I'm a fool I don't know but I hope not.

Your last sentence made me feel so sad for you as I struggle with the same. I know my T cares too but it doesn't change the fact I'm a client. I know it hurts. There are no answers really. But I still think it's a beautiful thing to allow yourself to care about T and feel his care in return.

The he’s really fade into each other there, don’t they?

He’s not your husband. Even given the nature of the therapist relationship, your therapist has been myriad eons better for you than your huband.

I get the feeling your husband made a fool out of you—I feel the same about 2ex. And I completely agree on the legal stuff. But what your husband did was active. Your therapist is constrained by his professional role. He’s as much a prisoner of the relationship as you are. He’s not making a fool of you.

Last couple days here have suddenly gotten truly chilly.

I need to figure out some outdoor housing accommodations for the cat. One of my dogs just stresses her out too much for her to want to be inside. In other news, the neighborhood gang of chickens have been bullying her. The other morning, I decanted her food into her bowl. I turned the corner to get into my car and leave for school when I heard suspicious noises. The chickens had been nearby. I went back around and they were gobbling her food while she cowered nearby. Now I have to stand over her while she eats and shoo them away when they get too close.

QM, you have described OUR family gatherings perfectly! Its not exactly resentment, but it feels unnerving, unsettling, somehow. As if you are not on stable ground. Although, we will sometimes get a very old auntie or uncle acting meanly in the old manner, and that honestly will retraumatize me. I realize now, the only way i stay whole and sane is to avoid all such gatherings. I hope that someday you will have that freedom

The Jets or the Sharks?