question about caring

please do not turn this into a thread about whether or not a T can care, whether it's real, etc etc etc.

This question isn't about that really. It's about gauging that caring and other stuff which makes some initial assumptions. There are other thread which debate the validity of therapy and caring.

ok.. my questions:

those of you who believe your T really cares and that it is real, how did you decide this? i am especially interested in whether you asked directly and what you said? Did any of you just ask how your T felt? or did you just come to that conclusion some other way? Did your T just volunteer that?

i am asking because i struggle with it. My T has been fantastic with me. i dont think that FOR ME i could accept that idea any other way than if he said it.

for me, she came right out and told me. My next question was why? why would you care about me? she said i'm likeable and easy to care about. I'm the opposite to you in that, although she has told me, i want her to show it. i don't believe her unless i see her do things. she has a little, but it's not enough in my eyes. but i think thats part of my problem...it's never enough

It's interesting to me the language you use, MsJelloFluff. I didn't "decide" on whether my T cared or come to a "conclusion." That sounds so rational and deliberate. For me it was much more of an emotional knowing than a conscious and deliberate thought process. What did I feel? What did my unconscious know? It was much deeper than an A-B-C thought process. Would it be helpful to look within for the answer instead of weighing the external evidence?

I don't believe my T has ever said these exact words, "I care about you." But he has said, "our relationship is beautiful," "we are intimate," "we are so connected," "I love spending time with you," "our relationship is phenomenal," "you are so dear to me," and my favorite, "I hold you in my heart," said while clasping one fist in the other and holding them to his heart. Plus he has helped me so much, his eyes communicate warmth and love, and he wants to help me heal. I guess it all adds up to "I care about you." But in my heart I knew that without this recitation of evidence. But we're all different, Jello. If a list might help you, could you look back on your experiences with T and start making one? I have a feeling your list will be very convincing!

I got, "I care for you as a human being." I guess it could be worse. A couple months ago he did say, "I do think the world of you." But I don't believe it. Not anymore.

I got... the message several ways...

"I care about you... and I care for you"..

I looked for T... that was in small partnership.. who had money enough to retire.. if he wanted... and so.. know that he is in the "business" because he does care about people.

He.. has told me cares about me... because of the extreme abuse that I went thru.... that gave me the DX of DID..

He... has told me about his... "spirit and faith"... though not how it sounds... not specifically.... like I believe in God.. and XYZ.... but that his spirituallity.... includes caring about people... that reasonates with me... because with my faith... I very much "care" about people.. and I help strangers even... so I know in my heart... where "he is coming from"...

so... many ways for me..

and also... may I add by comparision... I have been with therapists.. incapabile.. of caring for themselves... because they.. are a "mess" themselves... and can't get beyond that.. so how on earth.. could they even begin to have room for me..

Just my opinion.... so really... not looking for any debates.. on my opinion..

I know T cares about me because of how responsive he has been when I am in pain. I know he cares because when I fell apart he called me without me calling him first--he said he was reaching out to me--I know he cares because he said his heart would break if we ended now.

I know it's real because he looked me in the eye one day and said, "Sister, this is real."

sigh



((((jello)))) why don't you ask?

ask? oh god no. No, i never could ask... i could not and never will ask. i am sooooooo not able to do that.

it is a deliberate and conscious thing for me, but i can see how it isn't that way for everyone. T has told me to weigh out the concrete evidence of stuff..but i am not very good at it.

i am just interested... evaluating

I was fortunate b/c I knew him before therapy. We were friends in a sunday school class. So, we already had a relationship. Yeah yeah I know. ..ethical issues. But, when you consider the job I have, there were going to be ethical issues with anyone I saw unless I drove an hour away.

We've always been open in our affection for each other, and his wife and I are good friends as well.

Caring has never been an issue for us. It's something we've both known. Part of it is our faith that draws us together, the other part is friendship.

I know he cares because he has told me he does, I also know he cares because he tries so hard to help me, he tells me he is worried about me, and he makes me feel safe when I am in session with him, he also calls me if he doesn't hear from me over a few day period to check in on me!

But I guess even if he didn't tell me he cared for me, I would know it in the way he talks to me, and the way he looks me in the eye and I can feel the connection.

Asking would be hard for me also, but before he told me that he cared about me, I knew he did just in the way he acted and what he said, maybe you could sit down and write a list like sunrise suggested maybe that would help you see that there is a connection there and that you are cared for in your relationship with your T.

I know she cares because she says things like: "I care", "I love you", "I want the best for you", etc.

I know she cares by offering to see my twice a week when she only gets paid for once a week. Also, she offers me longer sessions if someone before or after me has cancelled at no charge.

I know she cares by the way she welcomes me into her office with a bright smile that I'm there, and walking me to the door always reminding me to take care of myself, and we'll talk soon.

I know she cares because she gives me connection items through hard times (blanket, key, water globes) so that I can keep her with me - and she keeps one with her because she cares.

I know she cares by the way she talks to me gently, comforts me when I'm struggling to find the words by sitting close to me, offering hugs and holding my hand when things get rough.

I know she cares by returning my phone calls promptly and checking to make sure I'm ok. She does the same with emails all day long.

I know she cares when I try to push her away so hard because I'm so scared, and she makes it a point to know that she's not going anywhere, and usually tries to squeeze me in that day to make sure I'll be ok.

Very good question - and actually a very good exercise for myself to realize how much my therapist does care, and how she shows it.

Thank you.

ahhhhhhhhhh... I had forgotten...

I told him... sometimes I lose the connection with him.. between sesssions... I am DID... so sometimes "I" don't see him.... other alters do..

so he suggested.. that I take a picture of him.. so that I could have it.. and then I would be able to keep the connector..

and.. I have fibro... so I ache... and I always take off my shoes... and curl up on the couch.. it is leather... and make myself as comfortable as I can... and I know from the look in his eyes.. that he feels my pain...

what sort of list would i make? suggestions please? i find it hard to distinguish things that are just part of being a good, professional from anything else.

he does seem happy to see me, but he knows how hyper-perceptive i am and if he didn't appear that way i would assume he didn't want to see me... how can i know that it isn't just a technique done to help me?

he was happy about his xmas gift, that i am sure of... it was so cute and it was very genuine... he was not acting like he was being deliberate at all, pure reaction. He actually rattled it and stopped himself. He says he will put it under his tree and in his voicemail he said he had not opened it. He did open the cake b/c i told him he should and he said he'd eaten most of it, said i was a very good cook and he seemed kind of tickled when he said it.

those things count... but the things which can be read as being a good T.. well, can't see how to count those.

i asked him for a voicemail, which he gave, and i asked how to hold onto the connectedness. He said it was definitely there and to use imagery, remind myself of things that were said, feelings etc. But he never talks about connection otherwise. He never says he's concerned or worried. i think honestly that he doesn't because he is worried i would simply run away and never come back.

he is never obviously or directly caring... you know, never says it, doesn't do a lot of stuff that i wouldn't just expect of a good T anyway. He's a sweetheart, you know.. just a good person generally. He isn't "uncaring."

he reads all my letters (paper) which are typically 1-2pages, and he says he reads them twice, once when he gets them and once before next session. he returns all calls when i ask for that but we have a system where he is ok with me taking up his time by leaving long messages which do not ask for a call back. He allows me to run over time slightly sometimes and once just said he didn't need to be anywhere else so we talked longer.

i dunno... the way we talk together is very easy. i just dont know.

i struggle with this so hard. it's a very important question to me at this point because i am at a threshold... i am really unwilling to go further without a certain kind of feeling with me.

i am not stupid. i know the professional limitations of the relationship, so i know that he is hardly thinking of me all day... but i wonder if i EVER cross his mind... does he ever wonder how i coping or doing? DOes he ever wonder if i am ok?

he read a letter i wrote explaining a past trauma and he said he felt physically sick... what does that say? is that simply being a good T?

i dunno... i just dunno

This is a great thread. I know mine cares now because I feel it. It is that simple for me.

I didn't always feel that he cares trust me on that one. But he's gone out his way for me a few times. He has also told me but that was only once. He does say stuff like 'we're emotionally connected' and that he identifies with me a bit'.