Couch 208: The Practical Couch

Now all the darn Christmas presents that need wrapping. I need Mary Poppins to come, sing a song, and snap her fingers and do it for me!!!!!

For every job that must be done there is an element of fun. You find the fun and snap! The jobs a game!
And every task you under take becomes a piece of cake. A lark! A spree! It’s very clear to see that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medicine go down the medicine go down..

Okay..sorry. You summoned Mary Poppins..

I’ll stop now.

Hello, couch. I have been thinking about my mental health a lot today, and I realized that this is a resource I still have. I figured I’d update. I was in-patient again for a week at the beginning of November. It was a not terrible experience this time: I was in a different hospital that had its stuff together.

Anyway, my insurance company seems to be frustrated at footing the bill again for IP, so they’ve hooked me up with a local company which does intensive in home therapy. So between that and regular T, I’m currently doing therapy for 10 hours a week. It feels a bit like overkill but my house is cleaner than it has been in a while and I’m not ideating as much as I was before IP this time.

Job still sucks, marriage sucks too, but I’m focusing on me right now, and it feels kind of nice. Overindulgent perhaps, but nice.

Currently planning on quitting my teaching career, becoming a QMHP and going back to school for my MSW. Not tomorrow or anything; I’ve got to get some things lined up first.

I hope you’re all doing well, especially as the holidays can be a hard time for so many of us.

One good thing about today...

I feel awful. I'm thinking about contacting my T.

I'm so sick of this.

I feel really stupid about this, but my therapist and I had agreed to mark my session tomorrow because it is our three year point of working together. I am really anxious about the prospect of her having forgotten, or not done anything to mark it. I have written a card for her and have a tiny but meaningful gift. I will be upset if she doesn't mark it. I wish I had not agreed to acknowledging it really. Urgh. I am not usually this exposed, this feels horrid.

Speaking of the peloton ad:
also trigger warning for bad language!

Check out evaandheriud's Tweet: Eva Victor on Twitter: "when my husband gets me a Peleton for Christmas ........… "

T tonight. I'm kind of worried about it. But I'm pretty distracted at work for the time being of course. Wednesday mornings are usually pretty busy for me so I am hoping that it continues and I can stay distracted so I don't worry too much.

My tummy (ok my butt) is acting very strange today. I know i ate differently than usual yesterday, and it is acting quite predictably, but it is still bizarre. I dont like taking this much "Executive Time"!

Eta - feeling better now!

I'm all sorts of moods, spamming the couch tonight. I've been thinking a lot tonight about what my T said today about bringing things into the room to talk about, to feel them in there. I want to tell him the 100% truth about how I've been feeling lately and what I've been doing SH wise. I know he can't truly help me unless I tell him everything. But I'm so scared that he'll say I'm too risky and stop working with me or send me to the hospital and stop working with me. Like I'm too much of a liability. This is really bringing up a lot of feelings and I can't stop crying tonight about it. I don't even know how I'd begin to tell him without just bawling, even though he assured me it's okay to just cry.

Just as an outsider I think you do need more support right now.

Struggling with suicidal feelings can be scary. I hope you can tell T how bad you are feeling.