[LostOnTheTrail]

Welcome to the couch, old and new! A place to hang out - sometimes you get immediate feedback, sometimes you don't.

Shouting, "Cool Whip" tends to bring others out from between the cushions if you're feeling lonely.

This is a chatty thread. All are welcome. We're kind of psychologically oriented, sometimes. We try to be supportive. At times we discuss what that means.

It’s a place to plop down on the couch when you come home from work or wherever, or wake up in the middle of the night, or check in at lunch, rant a bit or not, and be among friends.

We advise you not to drink or drug and text your therapist ("T") - we speak from experience.

Sometimes the thread moves fast and you might get overlooked; sometimes it moves slowly and all you hear are crickets. Sometimes you get hugged or thanked pages later. So if it's a bigger question, you might want to start a new thread.

Grab a cushion, a spot on the floor, or an armchair in the corner and make yourselves comfy.

208 is a practical number.

[SheHulk07]

Hi new couch!
I'm at my therapist's office 40 minutes early since I came straight from taking my son to school. About to use this time to call the local SA helpline to chat with them about a few things.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Proud of you, @SheHulk07. I hope they are helpful.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Hi new Couch.

Hugs, Jersey. As a parent, I would not characterize yelling an appropriate boundary as screaming at the child. And in their shoes I would be darn tootin' sure that you were getting the support you needed. (And give you a significant raise.) They know just how challenging their kid is.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Still not divorced.

But since the kids' dad moved out Saturday, I have slept all night 5/5 nights in a row. My brain is clearer. I keep finding myself taking deep breaths and letting them out in a wave of relief. I feel more like myself than I have for years.

It's weird.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Proud of you, @SheHulk07. I hope they are helpful.

Thank you. I spoke to an advocate quickly and got the number for case management. I left a message for them to talk about next steps. I just want to know my options and be connected just in case.

[unaluna]

LostontheTrail, thanks for jumping on the new couch!

Fuzzy, yeah isnt taking a deep breath great? Its one of those, you dont know what youve got til its gone. Or, you REALLY appreciate it when it returns. I was having a physical lung problem last week, coughing up something, so this morning i took a breath WITHOUT it "catching" and i was like yay, finally.

[NP_Complete]

I don't know if I want to no-show on my therapist today because I want to attempt to hurt him (although I'm not sure that's even possible) or if it's because I'm feeling hurt now and want to protect myself from being hurt again today or because I don't know what to say to him or something else entirely. At the very least, I'm going to drive to his building and decide from there.

[Lemoncake]

This all started last week because he brought up our Sunday phone check-ins that we've been doing for a long while now. He wants to stop doing them and I'm okay with that. Some weeks I feel I need the call; other weeks it's okay without it. Even the weeks I feel I need it, I'll live without it. He just happened to bring it up after I made a comment indicating that I had a hard time two weekends ago when he couldn't do it. He keeps explaining over and over why he's doing this and he won't listen to me that it's okay to stop doing them. Yes, I have mixed feelings about it because they help with the loneliness, but I'm okay with stopping them. I wish he had picked another time to bring it up though, not right after I'd said something about it.

Unfortunately, it hasn't stopped with this topic but only expanded. He's brought up reducing our sessions at some point and he really triggered some abandonment stuff with all this. It just feels like the whole sweater is unraveling at this point. I'm attached to him, but it's not secure yet. He assumes that some things I say mean I think he doesn't care about me, which is not true at all. It took some time getting there, but I do believe he cares about me. I keep telling him that, but he's got some notion in his head and won't listen to what I'm saying. This is a mess and I don't know how to work with someone who won't believe me when I tell them something. I don't know what to do.

I hope you make the right choice for yourself.

I do think it's bad timing- cutting back on the calls and sessions? No wonder it would trigger your abandonment feelings. Do you feel like you're ready to cut down on sessions?

[NP_Complete]

No! I'm attached to him and I always have something to talk about. I told him I'd cut down to once a week. He didn't think that was a good idea. I said okay, let's cut down to twice a week immediately. Nope, he didn't think it was the time to do that either. I'm not ready to do either thing, but I will. I'm just so incredibly frustrated.

[LonesomeTonight]

Today's session with Dr. T ended up getting quite intense in the second half. One of the few times I couldn't speak in there due to the intensity of crying in one moment. There was sort of a breakthrough about paternal transference stuff. D had a rough night Monday, and I was telling T how I wanted to reach out to him, but it was late and I knew he wouldn't see it, so I just did my best to hold onto connection from earlier in session that day. He was impressed by the growth in that. He also said maybe he was the wrong person to reach out to, and would I have felt OK reaching out to my mom? I said no, that she likely would have been dismissive.

We'd been talking about paternal transference (for ex-MC and occasionally for Dr. T) a bit earlier. He said how he's thought at times how if a parent is misattuned to a child, it's not just about missing out on stuff in childhood. How it can also be about what you don't get from your parents in adulthood. And he said he felt with ex-MC and him, I was looking for stuff I wanted from them, like statements of unconditional love. I said I knew I couldn't get that from them because of their role. T: "In a way, it's like you're barking up the wrong tree. But then, what if you go out there, and you realize there aren't any trees to bark at?" Me: "Yeah...and then I'm like, 'OK, you're a large bush, close enough, so I'll bark at you."

I also said, in relation to that, how when I thought his son was on the spectrum--adding that I wasn't asking him about it now--but I thought that he was someone who could really get it. I had trouble getting that out, I was crying so hard. I apologized for the crying, he said was OK. And I think I saw him wipe away a tear, too.

[SheHulk07]

T finally drew the line today that I've been wanting to know for a while....when is it okay to call him.
He said even if it's in the middle of the night to call. He may not answer but he'll always get back to me in the morning.
And that if I'm thinking of

Possible trigger:

Self harming or looking at pills

Then that's the line when I need to do something different and try calling him.

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

No! I'm attached to him and I always have something to talk about. I told him I'd cut down to once a week. He didn't think that was a good idea. I said okay, let's cut down to twice a week immediately. Nope, he didn't think it was the time to do that either. I'm not ready to do either thing, but I will. I'm just so incredibly frustrated.

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated. Personally I liked being on three sessions a week the one time we did do that, but I wouldn't been able to afford it long term. The step down from my normal two to one since this school year has started has been huge and very noticeable now that we're in rupture mode but it needs to be gradual.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dr. T also said today "I care deeply about your well-being." It was in relation to my feeling in the past like "I care about your well-being" wasn't enough, wanting "I care about you." But it meant something to me today. Because, as he's said, it's about the nature of the relationship, not the level of caring. And I said how I felt I was learning to accept caring that wasn't in the exact words or way I wanted. From him and others, like H or friends. And he said that was a huge amount of progress.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

He also said maybe he was the wrong person to reach out to, and would I have felt OK reaching out to my mom? I said no, that she likely would have been dismissive.

Did you feel ok about him saying/asking this?

[chihirochild]

Ugh, just sent an email to my paper-writing advisor telling him I'm stuck and need help. I feel stupid.

Originally Posted by chihirochild

Ugh, just sent an email to my paper-writing advisor telling him I'm stuck and need help. I feel stupid.

Thats great i can never ask for help ever. Its good you can ask for help. Dont feel stupid

My ipad had an update and i dont know what i am doing but it goes into split screen and opens up links that i didnt think i clicked on. I am off to see if its a sensitivity control somewhere
Eta think i have fixed it

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Did you feel ok about him saying/asking this?

It was a bit painful, and I think I said something to that effect in session, regarding his maybe not being the right person to reach out to. Because it was like, "OK, who else am I going to reach out to?" I did mention H, and he said he figured he might not give me what I needed/wanted. I think Dr. T understands his role for me...but I feel I'm unsure whether he wants it? Like he might accept it, because, OK, that's where I am. But I wonder if he thinks "I wish LT didn't want this from me."

[Polibeth]

Still fighting pneumonia but feeling a little better (I took a shower today and went to the pharmacy early this morning). While at the pharmacy this elderly lady was berating the poor cashier about the price of batteries (one of those huge packs of like 30 batteries). I thought the cashier was going to cry and the lady was screaming and swearing so I told her to stop being a "F'ing witch" - only I didn't use those words. It's so unlike me to say something too. I told the cashier to hang in there - meanwhile, I was coughing my head off the entire time. It was just so weird that I reacted so strongly (I'm not usually much of a reactor - I'm pretty chill).

T emailed me today to see how I'm feeling. I haven't written back yet but I should probably do that. My Dad also sent me an airline gift card for my birthday so that I can go visit him this winter (he lives in a nice climate).

I'm really hoping I can return to work on Monday.

[SlumberKitty]

Hope you feel better soon @Polibeth! Keep taking care of yourself! HUGS Kit

[SlumberKitty]

So much better today than I was earlier in the week. I'm just tired though because I did some pretty intense stuff at work for a change. I wasn't tired this morning but I am now after doing that stuff at work. But it's like a good tired. Like ahhh, I accomplished something! I did skype one of the owners of the company I work for, and I was like, "Okay so this is sort of a dumb question--but I'm going to ask it anyway." So I did. I wanted to know who was my direct report. Like who do I go to if I have a problem. You would think it would be obvious right? But it's not. There's a lot of chiefs at this company and they haven't put out an organizational chart so it's hard to know who I actually report to. There's the General Manager but he doesn't know what I do and he doesn't have anything to do with the accounting/financial side of things. I mean he gets the weekly reports and stuff but that's about it. So if I have technical questions I go to the controller or one of the owners. If I have like other questions, or concerns, or something I usually just go to the controller or maybe one of the owners. But I'm cognizant of organizational hierarchies and I'm like, hmmm, maybe I am supposed to be going to the General Manager. I'd rather not. I'd rather go to the controller or the owner. But I do go to the General Manager if I need time off or something like that. But I don't see myself going to him for a personnel problem and certainly not for a personal problem! So the owner that I skyped was like, can I call you? I was like, of course. So she said 5 minutes. She called me and she talked to me about who to go to for what kinds of problems. She wanted to know if I had an example. I didn't really, I just wanted to know for the future, but I think I have it sorted now. I am supposed to go to the General Manager if I am having a personnel issue or a personal issue but I don't have to. I can go to the owner if I wish. So basically however I've been doing it has been okay and continues to be okay. So that's kind of good. Today I asked the controller a question regarding job costing and I found an error that we had been making by not including the commissions earned. So she was like good job! And the owner when I was talking to her said everyone is really happy with me and happy with my performance and if everything is going well financially she will try to get me a raise at the beginning of the year. Unfortunately it doesn't look like November is going to be a very good month financially so I hope December is better. It's nice getting good feedback at work and it's kind of nice to know who to go to for what. Although I will probably still bypass the General Manager. I don't know. I don't trust him. I hear him talking about coworkers to other coworkers and I'm like, what is he saying about me behind my back? If he is talking about other people, he is probably talking about me. I just try to not give him anything to talk about. Just I don't have a great vibe from him. I am nice to him. I talk to him about stuff we need for the business. I keep him in the loop about business stuff. But I can't see myself going to him and being like, I'm stressed about x, y, z. Or something like that. I just don't see that happening. Another one of the owners is going to be here next week and maybe tomorrow. I haven't had much dealings with him. He occasionally asks me for financial reports or stuff like that to be sent to him and whenever he requests that I get on it right away. But I think he has more to do with the manufacturing side of things while his wife does more of the accounting side of things. So I am usually talking to his wife if I need something, or the controller. So I'm a little nervous that he will be here but I don't think that I will see him much. It's just nice to be focusing on work and not focusing on my doctor appointment and stuff like that. It's like ahhh normalcy. Or what passes as normalcy in my life! HUGS Kit

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm also struggling because T said he'd let me know if I started getting needy while it was a "tiny monster" before it grew into a big one (which led me to picture a cute tiny monster). But as I'm thinking about it now...why is my being needy a problem at all? And what happens if I become too needy? (I guess what happened this summer happens...as in, rupture). What is "too needy" anyway?

[SlumberKitty]

Hugs @LonesomeTonight. I'd be asking myself those same questions if someone told me that. I don't know what is "too needy." In fact my Regular T and I were just talking last night about how when I was a child I wasn't allowed to have needs. I wasn't allowed to be angry, or sad, or cry, or be sick, or hurt. (Obviously I did sometimes get sick or hurt. But then my Mom just shipped me off to the neighbors--literally!) So my Regular T was like what are those needs that little you had that didn't get met, and how can we meet them now? I tell you this because I think having needs is okay. I have trouble myself needing something from someone but I am working on it. I think that needing other people is part of the human experience. Sure sometimes one person can't fill all the needs, but you should be able to express those needs in therapy of all places. I mean, isn't that part of it all? I don't have an answer for what "too needy" is but I think you're doing great just as you are. HUGS Kit

[ArtleyWilkins]

Too needy is the expectation that someone else can and will fill up your hole of need for you.

Having been on the receiving end of this with my husband, I completely understand the difference between having needs and asking for support while you work through whatever the issue is at the moment, as opposed to being needy and expecting someone else to make you feel better.

My husband used to sort of expect and demand I "do" something to make him feel better, and if I didn't do that something (which I often had to figure out because he wouldn't communicate it to me), he would get angry or give me the silent treatment or some other out-of-proportion reaction. That was "too needy".

My husband eventually learned to recognize what he needed and communicate that directly, understanding that all I might be able to do is listen and empathize. And he found that by being direct and realizing that only he could really work through his own issues -- that I couldn't do it for him, although I am completely fine with listening and discussing while he gets his mind wrapped around things, etc. -- actually helped him stay calmer and more rational about things. He realized his could express his needs and work toward taking care of those needs or asking for specific help, and that doesn't come off as "needy" in the least.