[MissCharlotte]

It has been nearly 2 weeks since I saw T. For a while I pretended the break didn't exist. When that fantasy faded, I called and we had a phone appointment last week.

OK. I am feeling better as the holidays wane. BUT I am panicking about our reunion on Thursday. It feels like I haven't seen him in a month. I'm nervous. The last time I saw him was an awful session. Can I just pretend it didn't happen? Yes, of course I can. And-- oh--I'll have to deal with the letter I mailed last week, and the message I left on Saturday morning.

OMG...I have missed him so much it really hurts. So what is the conflict? The conflict lies in the fact that I have been able to (just today) be without him by my side. I had fun this past weekend--YES I HAD FUN--and I don't want him to know because I'm afraid that means I don't need him anymore.

OK. Deep breath. It's ok. (talking to self)

[(JD)]

(((sister)))) It IS ok. This is very normal, and a good sign. Please do tell your T exactly what you told us, that you did good but was afraid to tell him in case he would think you didn't need him anymore. Of course you still need therapy, and T. One break where you do ok is not any cause to stop progressing with therapy. (((hugs)))

sister, this is what my T and i call "good job, you're out the door!" or "good job, see ya later."

i have it all the time... afraid to succeed at work we do.. afraid to not be "sick enough" to deserve his attention.. afraid somehow their are conditions on my time with him.

i have talked with him numerous times about it.. it hasn't gone away yet, the closer he gets the worse it has gotten too. BUT he knows and it doesn't get to build except during breaks... it hasn't taken it away but at least we can both anticipate it and try to prepare for it.

[sunrise]

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sister said:
I'm afraid that means I don't need him anymore.

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Therapy is so crazy. We don't want them to know a healthy and positive thing about ourselves because then we're afraid they'll kick us out the door. You are doing good, sister! I hope you will share this very, very positive thing with your T--that you had FUN!!! We worry about sharing negative and painful stuff with our T's--will they be able to hold our pain and hurt and can we trust them to do that? But can you share something positive with your T and trust him to hold that feeling and not abandon you because you're "better"? It's the flip side of the coin.

Once I shared with my T the cover proofs of a book I was an author on that was finally getting published, after way too many years. I was just so thrilled and wanted to share that with him. He was really appreciative and grateful and held the positive feelings just fine, just as he holds the painful stuff I give him. He told me he looked forward to my sharing more triumphs from my life with him. He never said anything like, "aha, you wrote a book, you must leave my office now!"

T has said to me on a number of occasions, and it used to cause me no end of anxiety, that I was better than 90% of the clients who walked through his door. Or later, my husband and I were better than 90% of the couples who walked through his door. I was terrified by those statements, because I thought he was saying to me, "you don't need my help, you shouldn't be here, I should be helping people who really need me." We talked about it a lot, and that is not what he meant at all. He was just trying to reassure me that my problems were solvable and that I was doing really well and making progress. Especially when we first started therapy he told me all he meant by that was that I was a really honest and direct person and that made therapy so much easier, since he didn't have to spend ages showing me how to be direct and honest. One day, after being fairly far along in the divorce, he said to me for the umpteenth time, that my husband and I were better than 90%...., and for the first time ever, instead of feeling stressed by that statement (and being a bit indignant, "it is not true, my husband and I have a miserable relationship!), I felt reassured. It took me ages to be able to feel that. Just hit me over the head next time, T!

I don't know why I wrote all that... I just know that feeling you are having, sister. Been there and done that, and am sure I will again in the future. Can you trust your T to hold your positive feelings?

Happy New Year!

Sister,

I feel exactly the same way you do! I could have written this post. When I read your posts, I feel like we have such similar predicaments I guess we're on the same boat.

I'm going to share my T with you for a moment here, which is not something I would do for just anybody Here is a quote from the email that he sent - "Breathe, be still, and realize that there is nothing you have to do right now to be ok." I can hear him saying these words. I hope it is as calming and comforting to you as it was to me

Love ya',
Soliaree

[Mouse_]

((Sister))

[MissCharlotte]

Sky, Fluffy, Mouse, Sunny---Thank you friends!!!! Your responses are thoughtful and thought-provoking!

Soliaree, Your quote saved me. My T always tells me to breathe and so borrowing your T was just what the doctor ordered!

Hmmmm, a stand-in T? How could that be?

OK I'm getting carried away, in serious danger of channeling Dr. Seuss.

Sunny, I am not so sure it's about an uwillingness to share positive feelings because I have shared many positive moments with T over this past year we have been together. (I finished my Masters during this time after all.) And I don't think he would push me out the door either. I think the fear is that I will push me out the door and I will think I do not need him anymore. Yes, he can hold onto the positive feelings but can I? Thanks for your feedback -- it gave me an opportunity for reflection.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL

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He never said anything like, "aha, you wrote a book, you must leave my office now!"

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oh sunny..i laughed outloud. hahaha i'll have to hang onto that thought for next time. It sounds so ridiculous when said that way but it is exactly what we are thinking... silly brain.

the first time i shared this worry, and sister, you're right, it is also about me kicking me out, i said something like "well, i could just fake being sicker" and he said i'd be surprised how many people do that.

good for you for doing so well! (and a Masters! Congrats!)

[Kiya]

i think he'd be overjoyed for you that you had a moment of happienss - without those we can't have a gauge to guide us. YAY for YOU!!!

I was scared of the same thing and my T told me that there is no special buzzer that he will press when he feels I am well enough-- and then then it's time for me to get the door.

Can you imagine... I'm in mid sentence... "Well... I had fun yesterday and I'm feeling pretty goo--- BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" Then my chair suddently lifts up and a mechanical foot kicks me and ejects me out the door.

No. That won't happen. Like my T said, there is no scale for wellness-- there are always things to explore. Just becuase you had one fun night in the middle of 9,00 unfun nights, he won't kick you out, I promise, lol.

((sister))

[Perna]

Yes, the corollary or opposite is fearing your therapist will leave. I use to picture that happening when I was "midsentence" like Pink's being kicked out.

[MissCharlotte]

Pink, Perna,

OK. So we have established that he won't kick me out or tell me I am well enough to quit.

But what if I tell him I had fun last weekend and then he says, "Good." And, then I say, You're right! There's no reason for me to be here. And then I get up and pull the fire alarm and run out of the building screaming!

What about that? What will I do if that happens? What if I kick me out?

(((((((sister)))))))))))))
you will not get kicked out
and remember do not pull the fire alarm LOLOLOLOL

[chaotic13]

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sister said:
I think the fear is that I will push me out the door and I will think I do not need him anymore.

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I am so here right now! I'm feeling better and more in control of my life. But I am not happy, not where I want to be, but not sure what I want or how to go about getting it. I am so F*en indecisive I want to smack myself. I simply dislike my current life and am feeling like I've got to do something to fix it this minute. Therapy can't help if I don't know what I want. My stress about this is escalating dramatically.

[MissCharlotte]

Yes, we share a fear. But I am going back tomorrow and I hope you do too. We can do this together, McKell!

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I am so F*en indecisive I want to smack mysel

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Oh no! Don't do that then you willl only hurt more!

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Therapy can't help if I don't know what I want.

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Would it help if you thought of therapy as a place to figure out what you want? Maybe that's the goal for now.

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I've got to do something to fix it this minute.

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Maybe going to therapy is that thing. It just takes longer than a minute and yes, that is a frustration. It goes on and on and on doesn't it? But I think we will know when we are ready. I mean /really/ know!

Peace

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sister said:
And, then I say, You're right! There's no reason for me to be here. And then I get up and pull the fire alarm and run out of the building screaming!

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I could be in the worst mood ever and you make me laugh. OMG, you kill me, lol. Pull the fire alarm??? HAAAAAAAA I'm sitting at my desk at work cracking up.

[chaotic13]

Do you ever envision your T, sitting back letting you ramble on about the stupid nonsense going on in your mind and thinking to herself, "Why is she telling me this irrelevant stuff?"

I do!!! Only I call him out on it. I say, "You're probably thinking about what you are having for dinner tonight, only you have the amazing talent to look really engaged while you're doing it." Or sometimes I say, "You're probably thinking-- this chick is one crazy motherf**ker. She is so beyond my help. Oh well. I'll just listen. At least I'm getting paid."

My poor T.

[MissCharlotte]

I do wonder this all the time.

Once T yawned and I asked if I was boring him. Recently, after a few moments of silence I go, "I'm having a party on Sunday." (WTF?)

Yeah, they get to listen to a lot of boring %#@&#! from my trivial life. They should rename therapy: Trivial Pursuit.

HAHA

[sunrise]

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mckell13 said:
Therapy can't help if I don't know what I want.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Can you use therapy to explore and discover what you want? I can't think of a better use for therapy! I think, actually, that it can take up the bulk of therapy. Then once you reach decisions inside that you are at peace with, the actions to change become easier. But it can take a long time to reach the state inside that is ready for change, and that involves the exploration.

[Kiya]

yeah, that is one i've been avoiding for a long time, the "what do i want' question. i have no idea, and terribly frustrated to have to think about it.... it is on the back burner in T. Or rather it shares the burner with "So, when are you moving out of your bad living situation?" and "Do you think you will be able to move out when you have the resources?" Oy oy oy.

Sister,
You always have to ask the tough questions, don't ya'? LOL

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But what if I tell him I had fun last weekend and then he says, "Good." And, then I say, You're right! There's no reason for me to be here. And then I get up and pull the fire alarm and run out of the building screaming!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Actually, the answer to this one is simple. Make sure that you don't forget to swoop up T in your arms, THEN you can pull the fire alarm, and then you can carry your T out of the building to safety screaming at will.

At that point, tell T that you were so upset about having the 'hots' for him that you thought you actually started a fire. Then T will 1) think you are crazy and need more therapy(LOL) AND 2) be appreciative that you cared enough to save him from a raging, nonexistent fire.

OR

SCENARIO 2

Instead of pulling the fire alarm and running out, just start pouring water all over his office just in case of a fire.


Either way, you WIN!! ROFL

[mel4]

hahhahhahahah lmao solia!!!!!!!

[MissCharlotte]

Yeah. But T is a big guy and I don't know if I could pick him up and run with him.

I know. Maybe I could just roll hiim out the door in his T chair.

Okay this is outta control.

Whoops, there we go!!

[chaotic13]

Hmmm, I think I want a male T! I think I use some of Pink's errrrotic transference to spice up my sessions.

At least then I could justify going to therapy just to interact see and interact with him.

I could then occupy my mind dreaming about him on is office his couch in white boxers so hot that it sets off the fire alarm.
http://www.moviehabit.com/photos/Gladiator_150.jpg

My T is nice and all..... but she is just not doing it for me. She also has the ugliest couch I've ever seen. The first few sessions when I stared at the floor and the armrest, I distracted myself by thinking, "Damn she need to get a cover for this thing." LOL

Sorry..when I started typing to this thread I had something interesting to contribute... but its lost now. Forgot got my meds this morning.